Tuesday, December 02, 2008

SEC [your abstract noun of choice here] Poll, Week 14

So I won't be the first person to make this joke (and it's unlikely I'll be the last), but all of a sudden the notion of an SEC "Power" Poll seems a bit like a misnomer. The JCCW's nominees for the new name of the poll are as follows:

-- SEC Widespread Ineffectiveness Poll

-- SEC "Old Man Strength" Poll

-- SEC FAIL Poll

-- SEC Diet Power Poll (tastes like regular Power, but with half the win!)

-- SEC Bedridden Atrophy Poll

-- ACC Power Poll

OK, on to the actual ballot ...

1. Florida. Since the Ole Miss loss, the Gators aren't just undefeated, they're undefeated against the spread. Someone should really get to work bottling Tebow's tears. I bet it would be like 5-Hour Energy, except for the rest of your life instead of just five hours.

2. Alabama.
Does the Tide back seven get jealous of all the attention Mount Cody's been getting this season? When you're third in the country in opponent's yards-per-pass you must be doing something pretty damn right.

3. Ole Miss. No doubt the Rebels are quality, but when a four-loss team with losses to Vandy and Wake Forest is the third-best squad in the league ... uh, that's not a good league.

4. Georgia. Time to get out the giant spotlight that projects a "G" onto the clouds over Athens and summons Evil Richt from his underground lair to save the day. Wait, no: that time was last week. Too late now.

5. South Carolina. Dude, Chris Smelley must be some sort of unholy fusion of John Elway, Joe Montana, and Green Lantern in practice or something, 'cause otherwise ... why is Spurrier still running him out there?


6. Tennessee. Soundly defeated Kentucky and Vanderbilt in their final two games, just like always, which is about a thousand times better collectively than what anyone else in the bottom half of the SEC accomplished in those weeks.

7. Vanderbilt. Sure, going 1-5 after the hot start isn't exactly a reason for holiday joy, but the 'Dores return everybody in '09 ... if one bowl's nice, what are we going to do with a bowl streak?

8. LSU. Sorry, Miles defenders (of which I've been one): No one in the SEC has done less with as much top-to-bottom talent this season.

9. Arkansas. Even a bona fide Dick can get his storybook ending in this year's SEC, apparently. (Why below LSU? Uh, they did lose to Mississippi St. the week before, you know.)

10. Kentucky. Congratulations, Wildcats! You finished your season losing to your two biggest in-conference rivals despite the fact they were two of the most offensively inept teams in the country, finishing your SEC slate at 2-6 and dead last in the East! As your reward, here's the bowl berth you earned for squeaking by Middle Tennessee St. and beating Norfolk St.!

11. Auburn. When your punter has the best day on the team and that day includes a 21-yard shank that helps set up the opponent's opening touchdown drive, it's been a truly terrible, terrible day.

12. Mississippi St. Having already Croomed everyone he could Croom, I guess Croom figured he had no other option but to turn his Croom on himself. (Croom.)

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