Cheese Puff Previews: Kentucky

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



Kentucky, huh? Long-time no-see, Wildcats. By the time this game kicks off, it'll have been four solid years since we've faced off with you guys. And if four years doesn't sound like it was all that long ago consider the breakout star of that particular game for Auburn:

Kenny Irons, Tristan Davis and Tre Smith combined for 365 yards rushing and five touchdowns as No. 17 Auburn posted its best offensive output of the season in a 49-27 win over the Wildcats ... Auburn had 589 yards of offense, wearing down the Wildcats with touchdown drives of 80, 69, 80, 75, 81 and 80 yards. Irons scored on runs of 9, 1 and 2 yards, while Davis - a part-time defensive back who had only two previous carries this season - took over in the second half and sprinted 75 yards for a score the first time he touched the football.

"I'd probably say my future is at running back," Davis said.

That's right, it took place so long ago Tristan Davis wasn't even a running back yet. Also: Auburn's offense gained 365 rushing yards and 589 total yards of offense over an SEC opponent, and demons didn't burst out of the ground at the 50-yard line to start the Apocalypse.

So, like I said: it's been a while.



Last year: In the wake of Andre Woodson's (and a fat wad of other contributors') departure, Kentucky wasn't supposed to a bowl game in 2008, and they very nearly didn't: the 'Cats were outgained by an average of 105 yards in SEC play (only Mississippi St. was worse), finished 2-6 in the league, and won those two games--over Arkansas and Mississippi St.--by a combined two points. (Even that little factoid doesn't tell you that State had an extra point blocked early and missed a 27-yard field goal in the fourth.) Even a nonconference schedule consisting of the ghost of Louisville, Norfolk St., Western Kentucky, and Middle Tennessee St. had its drama:



But when all the dust had settled, and even the 63-5 destruction at the hands of the rampant Gators had gone by the books, Kentucky snuck into the Liberty Bowl at 6-6 and fumble-returned their way past East Carolina for their third straight winning season.

Notable previous meeting: Shug Jordan didn't make too many mistakes during his tenure at Auburn, but one of the few he would admit to occurred in 1961 in the week leading up to the Auburn-Kentucky match-up at Cliff Hare Stadium.

The year before, an Auburn team that would finish the season 8-2 responded to an opening-week loss to Tennessee with what Jordan called a "lackluster" effort against a Wildcats side that the Tigers had pummeled 33-0 in 1959, winning 10-7 on a late touchdown. Jordan blamed the loss on the team "thinking more about the team we played last week than the team we were playing this week," and the following year, as a reminder of both who the Tigers would be facing that Saturday and their poor play in Lexington the year before, Jordan planned to paint his team's practice fields blue. "We wanted to show them that if they weren't going to play on the bluegrass on Saturdays, they'd have to play on it all week long," Jordan said.

Unfortunately, the student managers assigned the task of painting the fields struggled to find a field paint the appropriate shade of blue and failed to finish their painting of the field until just before the Auburn players began practicing. Although Jordan soon realized the problem and began to slow and eventually postpone the practice, the combination of severe paint fumes, an unseasonably hot day for early October, and physical exertion prompted a number of Auburn players to grow sick and experience intense headaches. Four players were eventually taken to the hospital.

The fiasco resulted in a lost day of preparation for the Tigers, the replacement of the managers responsible, and on the following Saturday a surprise 14-12 victory for the visiting Wildcats, Auburn's only home loss in the 1961 season. "If I had it to do over again," Jordan said, "I'd have just yelled at 'em." That seemed to work better: Jordan went 10-2 against the Wildcats for the remainder of his Auburn tenure.

Actual series history: This much I'm not making up: whoever's been Auburn's coach, Kentucky hasn't had much success against the Tigers. Auburn leads the all-time series 24-5-1 and hasn't lost to the Wildcats since 1966, a span of--do-the math--43 years.

Of course, because of the rarity of the series it's also only a span of 15 games, but that's much less impressive-sounding.

Causes for Alarm

1. Like a lot of SEC fans, I kind of wondered what the hell Kentucky was thinking when they hired Rich Brooks. Then I wondered with even more vigor what they were thinking when they kept the old crank around after the 3-8 2005 season that took Brooks' three-year record in Lexington to 9-25.

Now, kids, do you see what happens when you're nice to old people and have patience with a new coaching staff? You get three straight winning seasons and your program's first-ever back-to-back-to-back bowl victories. Faith, kids, gets repaid. And then you get to make this for him:



And if you can't tell, kids, that's pretty awesome.

2. I figure there's two ways that the hiring of this guy will work out for Kentucky football:



One is that the karma that should go towards the hoops team will all be siphoned off towards the football team, which--as opposed to being a cash-flush juggernaut run by the sleaziest character in a business so sleazy it makes college football look like English cricket--is a likable underdog with few natural advantages that deserves a spot outside the hoops team's shadow. And thus the football team will be more fortunate than ever. On the other hand ....

Causes for Confidence

1. ... the second possibility is that the stain of Calipari will taint the entire athletic department. The football gods and the basketball gods are good chums, you know.

2. There's also this: the good times have to come to an end sometime. I mean, come on. It's Kentucky. I know they must have built up a tremendous amount of goodwill when they were on the butt end of this sort of thing ...



but seriously. Three years should be enough, right? Kentucky being good for four doesn't compute. (Especially when--as I mentioned--they were fortunate as hell not to go, say, 4-8 last year.)

Actual alleged analysis: In some ways, Auburn and Kentucky have a lot in common. Both programs have a questionable quarterbacking situation in which the best athlete at the position (Randall Cobb in UK's case) will be lining up at wideout. Both have questions at receiver but boast depth at running back and a veteran offensive line. Both have defenses with some big shoes to fill but a handful of star-caliber players to help hold things together ... if they can stay healthy.

But with all of that said ... our running backs are better. Our "other guys" on defense are better. Our receivers are better--possibly. Our specialists (they lost a top-notch punter and their PK is shaaaaaaaky) are better. Our 15-game winning streak in the series is better. And, of course, our home-field advantage is better than their road-field advantage.

So I think this is a game that Auburn ought to win. Both teams went 2-6 last year; Auburn should be much improved while Kentucky--with their five returning starters on defense and continued lack of skill position talent--projects to be about the same. But the 'Cat D will have something to say about it, and if the injury bug has bitten Auburn by the time week 7 rolls around ... well, I'm not certain Auburn's return home after the two-week trip to Arkansas and Tennessee will be a happy one.

2009 Cheese Puff Previews: Arkansas

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



Auburn’s big annual series all seem to have an overriding trend, even if they haven’t held up perfectly over the last couple of seasons: the LSU game is won by the home team, the Georgia game by the road team, the Iron Bowl by the favorite. The Arkansas game, however, belongs to the underdog. Tubby may have struggled madly as a favorite against Houston Nutt’s Hogs, but don’t forget that the turn from outright catastrophe to passable accomplishment in both 2003 and 2007 was made, in part, at the expense of what were supposed to be Nutt’s two best teams.

So Auburn will at least have this going for it when the Tigers square off against the Hogs this season: it’s supposed to be their year for once. Or, at the very least, it's not supposed to be Auburn's year. So, uh ... we've got them right where we want them, right?



Last year: After five games, the Hogs looked like the worst team in the SEC, having squeaked past I-AA Western Illinois and UL-Monroe by a combined five points before getting annihilated by Texas, Alabama, and Florida by a combined 98.

From that point on, while the Hogs didn't exactly catch fire--no team legitimately "hot" loses in Starkville, do they?--they were more-than-respectable, winning at Auburn, downing eventual bowl winners Tulsa and LSU, and losing nailbiters to Kentucky and Ole Miss. Despite the hiccups to start the year, one questionable pass interference call against the Rebels (one the Hog partisans I know will be more than happy to swear at you about) might have been the only thing keeping a team gutted by graduation from making a bowl anyway. Thus, you know, the optimism for 2009.

Notable previous meeting: In 1984, first-year Arkansas coach Ken Hatfield took over for Lout Holtz and guided the Hogs to a 7-3-1 record and a berth in the Liberty Bowl, where they prepared to take on Pat Dye's 8-4 Auburn team in the first-ever meeting between the two proud programs. That year, Liberty Bowl organizers adopted a new logo including the famous Liberty Bell, and at the annual team dinner, unveiled a mini-replica of the bell to be used as a centerpiece for the head table and a trophy for the winner.

Unfortunately, the replica had been made with one noticeable flaw--namely, that it didn't include the instantly-recognizable crack featured on the original. According to reports, Arkansas players and coaches were milling about with bowl organizers after the dinner, and joking about the missing crack, when starting Hog defensive tackle Jackson "Wild Man" Jennings offered to put a crack in the bell free of charge. Before organizers could ask Jennings what exactly he meant, Jennings viciously headbutted the bell in what he later admitted was his attempt to crack it. Unfortunately for him, the bell had been cast out of the same iron alloy that made up the original, and Jennings would suffer a mild concussion that would hold him out of the game two days later.

With Jennings absent from the Razorback line, Bo Jackson would roll to 193 yards and MVP honors in a 21-15 Auburn win.

Actual series history: Auburn and Arkansas have still played just 18 times, with Auburn holding a 10-7 edge and the two teams playing a single tie, 24-24, in 1992. The road team has gone 6-1 in this series over the past seven years.

Causes for Alarm

1. Look, we can be honest about this, can we? "Razorbacks" is an incredible nickname. I mean, come on, it's a feral pig with a razor for a back. According to Wikipedia, not only are the Hogs the only team with a porcine nickname in D-I (or professional sports), but the name was chosen in a vote of the student body in 1910. Pretty shrewd choice there, 1910 Arkansas students, and no doubt it's the resulting approval of the football gods that enabled the Hogs to escape the collapsing SWC for the cushy confines of the SEC ... unless you think it's just coincidence the lame-O SMU "Mustangs" and Houston "Cougars" are still kicking around Conference USA.

2. The weird thing about playing Arkansas is that your odds are much, much better that you're going to wind up playing some multiple-overtime instant classic ... and much, much better that you're going to end up losing said classic, as the Hogs have compiled a 7-1 overtime record since 1996, a record that includes games lasting six, six, and seven overtimes. If Auburn's going to win, they'd better od it in regulation, is what I'm saying.

Causes for Confidence

1. If there's any karma to be had from the coaches on the two sidelines, it's all going to be in Auburn's favor. Petrino is still the same slimeball who decided he'd be more than happy to listen to the slimeball Auburn administrators flying into Louisville in the dead of night while he still had games to prepare for; now that those particular slimeballs are nearly all gone or emasculated, Petrino should have some debt to our fine football program that needs to be paid in the form of, I don't know, a heartbreaking last-second loss or something.

On top of that, Arkansas is still the same program that hired Gus Malzahn in what was quickly revealed to be a transparent attempt at recruiting his players, then ignored many of his schemes and ideas in the process of eventually running him out of town before the cultists behind him caused the man in charge too much trouble. Arkansas still owes Malzahn a debt, one that needs to be paid in the form of, I don't know, a heartbreaking last-second loss or something.

2. Man, what's happened to Arkansas? Consider some of the, um, characters from the Hogs fairly recent past: Nolan Richardson, Darren McFadden, the Dick brothers, Joe Kines, Matt Jones, Houston GIGGITY Nutt and the Flying Circus trailing behind him, Corliss Williamson ... dude, not only was there a freaking President showing up to their games not that long ago, it just happened to be the President who'd do things like this:



Not that all of these guys were totally upstanding role models at all times, but at least they were interesting. Now their head football coach is a bloodless robotic mercenary, the only defining characteristic of their current basketball coach's tenure is a willingness to suspend anything that moves, and as for the players, well, we don't even have so much as a Dick joke to make at their expense any more. It's just not the same scene, man, and I know I can't be the only one disappointed by this turn of affairs. They'll pay for not keeping us entertained one day.

Actual alleged analysis: I'm not going to enjoy this section of the preview. Here, I'll quote Phil Steele (slightly de-abbreviationed) on the Hogs:

Arkansas was 6th best in SEC play last year (+.1 ypg). Arkansas (-9) almost made my Turnovers=Turnaround article and qualifies for my yards-per-points article on both offense and defense. They were #3 in the FBS in starts lost to injury (47). Their 18 returning starters are the most in the SEC.

In other words: if not for the turnovers, injuries, and bad luck in the red zone, the Hogs would have been in the top third of the SEC last year, and now they've got nearly everyone back and anothery ear in Petrino's system.

That's not to say Auburn doesn't have a few reasons to think they can win this game. Underdogs and road teams have had a freaking ton of success in this series, and if we know Auburn's going to be road team, we can be just about as certain they're going to be an underdog, too. While Arkansas's defense returns a ton of guys, most of those guys were terrible last season; if the Spread Eagle 2.0 takes off the way we're hoping, Auburn could put some serious points up, even at their place. And while virtually everything we've read over the past year regarding Ryan Mallett has been positive, he still hasn't, you know, played an actual game. The last time he did--take it from a guy who's watched more than his fair share of Michigan games over the past few years--he was a total train wreck. Yeah, he was a true freshman at that point, but aside from being able to throw the ball through a wall it's not like he showed off too many glimmers of his alleged potential, either.

That said: I think Steele is pretty much on the mark. Unless Mallett is a total bust (and he couldn't be better suited, physically, to a Petrino offense), the Hogs are going to be stout, a top 25-caliber team and a shoulda-been legit SEC West contender if their schedule wasn't such a bear. (Their four road games: LSU, Florida, Alabama, Ole Miss. Holy crap.)

I think that if the injury bug spares us, Auburn's going to be capable of upsetting a stout, top-25 caliber, shoulda-been legit (or just legit) SEC West contender. But on the road, with their offensive overhaul having a year's head start on ours, and Petrino unfortunately still a hell of a coach as well as a reptile, I'm guessing we'll have to look elsewhere for said upset. But hey, there's always hope: I bet a lot of Hog fans would have said the same thing about Auburn at this time last year.

2009 Cheese Puff Previews: Tennessee

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



I’m not going to repeat the endless ways in which Auburn and Tennessee suddenly find themselves joined at the hip, in this case “hip” of course being defined as “controversial national laughingstock hired as head coach whose Kool-aid the partisans are desperately, rabidly swilling and selling.” Suffice it to say those ways are numerous and legitimate, and it’s why I think the Auburn-Tennessee game is a secretly one of the most interesting ones on the entire SEC schedule, even for the neutrals. By the end of it, one fan base is going to exhale and say “See, we could have hired that guy,” and the other* will weep into their beers the bitter tears that even Lane Kiffin/Gene Chizik might be a better head coach than their new coach. (Those tears would be particularly bitter on the part of Vol fans, whose coach comes with a much steeper price tag when you consider his father’s salary and obviously enjoys many, many times the national hype of the Chiznick.)

On the surface, it’s just two fallen, mediocre, middle-of-the-pack programs hoping to scramble one more rung up the ladder back to respectability at the expense of the other, the SEC equivalent of, say, UCLA taking on Cal. Beneath the surface? The stakes are huge, the storylines gripping, and the match-ups downright salivating. Yeah, I’m excited about this one.

Last year: Behind arguably the nation’s best player in free safety Eric Berry, the Vols finished third in the nation in total defense … and proved that ye olde “defense wins championships” adage only goes so far when your offense finishes 115th overall and proved remarkably committed to own-foot marksmanship. Phillip Fulmer was fired midseason as the Vols lost Wyoming and finished with just five wins over the murderer’s row of … wait for it … UAB, Northern Illinois, Mississippi St., Vanderbilt, and Kentucky. Auburn at least defeated, you know, Tennessee.

Notable previous meeting: I usually reserve this section of the Cheese Puff Preview for tall tales, jokey made-up anecdotes, and other assorted useless B.S. But I’d like to draw attention here to the actual Auburn-Tennessee meeting in 1985, the first time, at six years old, I can ever remember being disappointed in Auburn.

The God’s honest truth is that I don’t remember even the tiniest snippet of the game itself. Auburn had come into Knoxville for their Xth game of the season ranked No. 1, the second time in two seasons we’d hit the top spot in the polls … even if the first visit came on the preseason ballot and hadn’t even lasted past the Kickoff Classic, which (as I’m sure you know) Auburn lost to Miami 20-18.

And yet this trip to No. 1 might have been even less successful than that one. Auburn responded to their presence in the national title race the way they’ve more-or-less always responded, falling behind by multiple touchdowns before they’d even gotten off the bus and losing to the Vols in a 38-20 laugher.

At the time, I was still a little too attention-deficient to watch most live sporting events on television, so the way I kept up with what was going on was Sports Illustrated (well, specifically, the photographs in Sports Illustrated). Thursday afternoon was always the best day of the week to come home from school, because there was always going to be an SI waiting for me on the kitchen table or in the stack of mail on Dad’s desk. So if I don’t remember the game, I do distinctly remember getting off the bus, racing into the house, and snatching up the magazine only to be greeted with this:



Yep: Auburn had lost so badly they had put the other team on the cover of Sports Illustrated. It was confusing. Auburn was my team. They were supposed to win. But this time they had lost. And it had been a big loss, a rout, in an important game. They weren’t supposed to do things like that, were they?

But oh, they do do that, don’t they? All our teams do at one point or another. And so in some ways, I credit Tony Robinson and the SI cover above for making me a sports fan, for providing the moment when a kid who liked sports happened to become a kid who knew what was at stake and was forced to hope particular things happened … because this “Tennessee Waltz” business, man, that wasn’t much fun at all.

Series history: All-time it’s 25-21-3 in one of the two great rivalries Auburn lost in the divisional split. But the series has been awfully kind to Auburn of late: they’ve won the last four.

Causes for Alarm:

1. I mentioned Eric Berry already, didn’t I? I should probably mention him again, because on the list of reasons to think the Vols are going to be better this year, Berry’s Nos. 1-4, “the offense can’t possibly be worse” is No. 5, and Berry is Nos. 6-8 again.

The JCCW’s opinion is that, to paraphrase a T.S. Eliot quote about Dante and Shakespeare, Tebow and Berry divide the league between them; there is no third.

2. Although I think that in the end the overall karmic value of having one’s team coached by Lane Kiffin is in the negative (see below), I also think the backlash against him has been so over-the-top as to produce a potential positive karmic effect … since, as I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog before, for all of the teeth-gnashing and hand-wringing over Kiffykins’ blabbermouth and the flood of secondary violations, far and away the only truly important thing Kiffin had to do between getting hired and winning ball games this fall was salvage the 2009 recruiting class. And there’s not much debating he did that--the No. 1 recruit in the country, a five-star linebacker snatched away from Les Miles, a top-20 quark back stolen from Herr Meyer himself? That’s impressive, damned impressive.

So while I think Kiffykins is pretty much as in over his head as everyone says he is, it wouldn’t surprise me if the end result of all the “Lane Kiffin, LOLZ” chatter around the SEC photosphere the last few months is a lot of eaten words.

Causes for Confidence

1. That said, if you’re contrasting Chizik and Kiffin, one of the two seeks out reporters and asks them to interview him; the other’s media responses are so milquetoast as to make the local coachbox look like Yogi Berra by comparison. The hiring of one of the two was greeted as a nationwide punch line while the other was seen as a smart gamble, even though both of them arrived at their new jobs with near-identical resumes. While both of them hired assistants with high-visibility, region- (if not nation-) wide profiles, one of them decided the best way to announce the seriousness of his tenure was to take potshots at a rival both known to hold grudges and currently loaded-for-bear; the other has by all accounts kept his head down, worked hard, and earned the respect of his new team. Not to put too fine a point on it, but one of them had a consensus four-star, top-100 overall quarterback already committed to his team when he signed on, who the coach then told to take a hike; the other had no such quarterback and had his staff go out and find one, who along with an overlooked sleeper the previous regime had passed on should have his team set at quarterback for several seasons starting in 2010 at the latest. Meanwhile, the other coach has seen quarterback after quarterback reject his overtures and is in full crisis mode for 2010 and beyond.

Yeah, if you ask me from that description which of these two coaches was going to succeed in the SEC, I’m taking the Chiznick. We’ve seen these salesmen-type, all-talk-and-little-action coaches before in this league: Orgeron, Zook, Jim Donnan. They don’t work. Maybe doesn’t mean a whole lot for one game in Knoxville, I guess, but maybe it’ll mean something?

2. Trooper Taylor was, of course, a loyal Vol for a very long time and seemed to be in line for the offensive coordinator’s chair when Phil Fulmer gave it to Dave Clawson instead. Maybe the apocalyptic failure of the “Clawfense” was karmic revenge enough for that, but Taylor standing on the opposite sideline as his new team beats his old team might be one hell of a cherry on top of that particular schadenfreude sundae, huh?

Actual alleged analysis: Unless the Spread Eagle 2.0 comes out like a house afire and Kiffykins’ Vols look just as lost as last year in the early going, Auburn’s going to be an underdog in this game. And not without reason: the Vols’ terrific defense shouldn’t lose much if anything going from Chavis to Kiffin the Elder, winning in Knoxville will be a tall task for a team like Auburn likely still finding its footing with the new staff, and if the law of averages dictate Auburn’s offense can’t be any worse than in it was in the Season of DEATH, the same holds for the Vol attack the year after the Season of Constant Sorrow.

Whatever margin there is between the two teams should be slim, however, and so much rides on the play of the two teams’ oh-so-shaky quarterbacks that I was tempted to just fill this space with “Crompton vs. Auburn’s QB. Whoever wins wins the game. The end.” So until we have a bit more information, it’s tough to make a call one way or the other. We should probably assume a narrow Auburn defeat until such time as we have proof, rather than a guess, that Chizik and the Tiger staff will do more with what they’ve got than Kiffykins and the Vols’ staff.

But, of course, I do think there is some education behind that guess.

*Provided the Vols don’t finish 5-7 again, a close, competitive Auburn loss probably won’t really look all that bad for Chizik, given that it’s in Neyland. Then again, if Kiffin does look lost for most of the year and Auburn doesn’t even give the Vols a game, then there’s probably going to be some gnashed teeth.

2009 Cheese Puff Previews: Ball State

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



This Ball State matchup has a peculiar history from the Auburn perspective ... and of course, it hasn't even been played yet. But when it was scheduled, it was likely intended to be Division I Cupcake No. 1, a slightly milder version of the 63-3 slaughter in Week 3 of the 2005 season. Then head coach Brady Hoke turned nine years' worth of non-winning seasons into a 7-5 campaign in 2007 and a stunning 12-0 regular season in 2008 that prompted legitimate BCS bowl talk for, yes, Ball State, and all of a sudden scheduling the Cardinals was a USF-style mistake, a cupcake that Auburn was due to find out had a razor blade hidden in it.

And then, just like that, the game went back to being a standard home paycheck game against a MAC also-ran: the Cardinals lost to Buffalo in the MAC title game, got annihilated by Tulsa in the GMAC bowl, Hokeamania took its act west to San Diego St., star quarterback Nate Davis left a year early for the NFL, the allegedly cheapskate Cardinal brass hired 62-year-old offensive coordinator Stan Parrish as their new head coach. Voila: Ball St., consensus fourth-place team in the MAC West, perfect respectable-but-not-too-respectable appetizer for the two-week road trip to Knoxville and Fayetteville to come.

Right? "Appetizer," that's accurate, right? Please?



Last year: Seriously, it's still stunning and more than little unfair that BSU fans might look back at their 2008 season with anything other than unequivocal delight given how dominant their team was over their first 12 games. Yeah, the Cardinal schedule had its share of turkeys and wasn't anything to crow about, but this wasn't a case of 2007 Hawaii where they had their chickens counted before they hatched and had to duck upset after upset: when you win your eight MAC games by an average of 21 points and outgained the second-best team in the conference by 80 yards per league contest, you'd have to be a total birdbrain to think any other team was the league's cock-of-the-walk. Too bad the Buffalo game wound up an albatross around the program's neck, leaving all those good feelings dead as a ... sorry, I'll stop now. The point: for 12 games, Ball State had a total dream season. For two and an offseason, it was a nightmare. Not sure how you reconcile the two.

Notable previous meeting: After the aforementioned 2005 meeting, the Cardinals' most lopsided defeat and worst defensive showing a 66-0 loss to St. Joseph's in 1956, famous Ball State alum David Letterman joked on his program "The Late Show" that it was the worst beating he'd seen "since I'd looked at last month's ratings," a reference to Letterman's continued deficit to rival Jay Leno in the Nielsen ratings. Letterman would go on to make note of the Cardinals' opponent, saying the following in his trademark deadpan:

The victorious team here, Auburn University, fine school, fine institution, famous for this ... cheer that they use. Very famous cheer. Do you know the cheer, Paul? Are you familiar with the cheer? (Paul Shaffer: Rah-rah-rah, something along those lines?) No, it's "War Eagle." "War Eagle," Paul. I like it. I feel like it's the sort of cheer the country can get behind. War ... Eagle. So the symbol of our country, here, and then war, which is something I would say that we're good at. One of our nation's specialties. This is the sort of cheer that I could see our President, Mr. Bush, really standing behind and using to get the country fired up the way they, the way the fans do at Auburn. War ... Eagle. That's how he's going to begin his next address, his next ... speech in front of Congress. War ... Eagle.

The following week Letterman called back to the joke and aired a brief clip of George W. Bush saying "War Eagle" during his 2002 visit to Auburn. Letterman again predicted that Bush would use it just before asking Congress for more money for the war effort in Iraq.

Actual series history: Auburn's won both all-time meetings against Ball State with ease, shutting out the Cardinals 30-0 in 2001.

Causes for Alarm:

1. Oh crap, they've got Andre Dawson on their team! Look upon "the Hawks"'s chiseled physique and despair!



OK, so it's a different Andre Dawson. But for those of us who remember Dawson blasting a home run seemingly every other at-bat he took against the hapless Braves of our '80s childhood, it's worrying enough.

2. I'm sure Ball St. fans and alums are sick-to-death of Brian Collins references, and I guess I apologize to any that happen to stop by for dredging "the Collins incident" up once again, but a) seriously, dude, you can't mess with the classics:



and b) Collins continued Ball State's run of bad luck recently when he was apparently axed from his job at a Waco television station. I don't know how closely Collins's emotions are tied to the performance of his alma mater's football team, but if they are, the universe is probably due to grant him a break, right, even if it's only for a Saturday night?

Causes for Confidence

1. Look, I know all but one game of Stan Parrish's career 2-31-1 head coaching mark in D-I came at Kansas St. in the mid-80s, the most hopeless job this side of Temple, Buffalo, or Florida International ... but jumpin' jehosophat, 2-31-1?!?!? 2-31-1! 2 wins! 31 losses! 1 tie! A career winning percentage of .063! Back when he wasn't 62! After last season I don't think there's much doubting Parrish's offensive acumen, but still, this isn't going to end well. As Al Golden, Turner Gill, and Mario Cristobal are proving--and as Parrish's successor Bill Snyder proved right there at Kansas St.--a good coach can make strides anywhere. (Iowa St. excepted, of course, as any good Auburn fan will tell you.)(As an aside, teams facing off against Paterno or Bowden excepted, how many other college football teams teams are squaring off against 118 years' worth of head coaches in the span of two weeks the way Auburn is with Parrish and Bill Stewart?)

2. In lieu of coming up with another reason for confidence, of which, honestly, Auburn is not lacking when it comes to this game, please enjoy the following wonderful sentence from Ball State's entry in the ESPN College Football Encyclopedia:

As might be expected, Ball State's original nickname, Hoosieroons, was not especially popular around campus.

The week of the game, I promise to refer to Ball State by--and only by--the nickname "Hoosieroons."

Actual alleged analysis: Look, I'm the guy who had to resort to pictures of kittens to get through his preview of Louisiana Tech and two summers ago said he expected New Mexico St. to keep it close for a half. I know from mid-major paranoia.

But even I can't bring myself to worry about this game. 12-0 start last year or no 12-0 start last year, aside from nifty senior running back MiQuale Lewis and the Cards' veteran-if-undersized defensive line, there's just nothing left. Not the quarterback, not the offensive line, not the receivers (a matter of awful, awful luck in that case), not the corners, not the head coach, not--perhaps most importantly of all--that ineffable magic that makes a 12-0 start a possibility at a place like Ball State. All signs point to the Cards being just another MAC team, and just-another-MAC-teams have never accomplished much when traveling to SEC stadiums.

If the Spread Eagle 2.0 still hasn't shaken the hiccups, the Ball St. defensive front is playing over its head, and Lewis is moving the chains single-handedly, yeah, maybe this stays close for a half or even three quarters. But an actual loss is about as likely as Ball becoming the Hoosieroons again.

2009 Cheese Puff Previews: West Virginia

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



Auburn residents, it's Week 3, so you'd better batten down the hatches: West By God Virginia is coming. In terms of the state, I'll let Toothpaste for Dinner give you the lowdown:



In terms of the football team, well, things are a little bit better than that. Or Jesco. The 'Eers won 11 games three straight seasons from 2005-2007, rolled up 271 rushing yards on Auburn at 7.7 a pop last year in Morgantown, and return seven starters from what was already one of the nation's better defenses. So even in Jordan-Hare, this looks like a difficult hill to climb, or, if you prefer, a long country road to hoe.

But--and this is a big but--this man is their head coach. Not the special teams coach, which is what he used to be. Not a coordinator, or the linebackers or tight ends coach or something, or even the lovable old coot nicknamed "Ol' Stumpy" who the administration lets dress up in a coaches' outfit and wear a headset on the sideline on his birthday. He's the head coach Auburn may not win, but as long as Stewart's there, I'll always believe they've got a shot.



Last year: Armed with Pat White, Noel Devine, a solid defense, and arguably the best offensive line in the country, the 'Eers were a preseason top-10 team assumed by many to be a serious threat to run the Big East table and squeeze into the national title game. Which made their back-to-back losses at East Carolina and Colorado in Weeks 2 and 3 something of a bona fide disaster that led to all kinds of awesomeness being unleashed on the Internet. (My favorite? Hyah.)

Unfortunately for us lovers of awesomeness, WVU rebounded to win their next five (including the aforementioned come-from-behind-and-finish-way-the-hell-ahead whipping of Auburn) and salvage a respectable 9-4 season. Unless, of course, you required at least one win over a team that finished the season in the final AP poll or a spot in the top two of one of the weakest single-season conferences in the BCS's history. In that case, it might have been a little less respectable.

Notable previous meeting: Last year's meeting was the first in the two teams' official history. However, an unofficial, impromptu exhibition game between the two schools reportedly took place in 1940 after a series of miscommunications that would eventually lead to an FBI investigation. Auburn coach Jack Meagher believed he had lined up a season-opening game against the Mountaineers in Morgantown, but after bringing his Tigers north by bus, he was informed upon his arrival that West Virginia coaches and officials had no knowledge of the game and ...

(You know what? This story isn't even close to being worth it. Not funny, not interesting, not plausible. Been trying to come up with something for a week, and I got nothin'. We're just going to move on. Sorry if you're a fan of this item. You're not, which makes me feel slightly better.)

Actual series history: West Virginia leads the all-time series 1-0.

Causes for Alarm

1. From West Virginia's Wikipedia page:

West Virginia University was the first in the world to establish a bachelor of science degree in Biometric Systems. In 2003 the university also founded the initial chapter of the Student Society for the Advancement of Biometrics(SSAB).[24] The program, located in the Lane Department of Computer Science and Electrical Engineering (LCSEE), provides a firm understanding of the underlying electrical engineering and computer engineering disciplines that support biometric applications.

On February 6, 2008, WVU became the national academic leader for the FBI's biometric research.

Now, I know biometrics is mostly about retina-scan and fingerprint-ID technologies to make sure Sticky-Fingers McRobberson doesn't get to walk into a bank vault. But would you put it past a program that "provides a firm understanding of the underlying electrical engineering and computer engineering disciplines that support biometric applications" to come up with a machine that sits on the sideline disguised as, say, a cooling fan, and emits a subsonic pulse that causes fatigue and discomfort in everyone in a 50--yard radius except the pre-programmed West Virginia players? Would you? Now that I think about it, I think this is the easiest explanation for why Auburn went from 17-3 ahead with the ball to a 34-17 loss.

2. Jarrett Brown has seen more time than most backup quarterbacks thanks to Pat White's occasional injury troubles ... but at the same time, how many backup quarterbacks spent three years as an understudy at the same school? Not many. Brown, on the other hand, has patiently waited Shockley-style to get his shot, and now he'll get it. Here's to hoping he skips the Shockley-like results, but I wouldn't past him.

Causes for Confidence

1. Bill Stewart.

OK, not just Bill Stewart, but the process by which Stewart became head coach, which went as follows:

1) Rich Rodriguez bolts to Michigan after various promises made by the WVU administration went unfulfilled
2) Stewart is named interim coach for the bowl game against Oklahoma, which the 'Eers win mostly by virtue of Rodriguez's offense as called by Rodriguez's offensive coordinator, who was set to leave for Michigan as well
3) Players make emotional plea for "Coach Stew" to take over as full-time head coach, because if there's one set of unbiased, rational judges of coaching talent out there, it's the coach's own players (or so says the Gators who carried Ron Zook off the field on their shoulders)
4) The very next day, without a formal interview process, Stewart is named head coach??!?!?!

Does this strike you as a competent, well-run organization? When has a player revolt in favor of the happy-go-lucky friendly uncle-type ever, ever worked? Auburn may or may not beat West Virginia this year, but this is not going to work long-term. And hey, maybe it won't work in the short term, either.

2. Stereotypes are awfully dangerous things, but there seems to be a pretty wide-ranging consensus that West Virginia fans are, by and large ... well, deeply, deeply unpleasant people. From Wire Road and Shug's report from the game in Morgantown (after noting that fans had been "so nice the whole time" before the night of the game):

We walked towards the stadium and it was like everyone in yellow had flipped a switch that said, "Get pissed". People are chanting, "asshole" at us constantly and telling us to go home. That's not even the worst of it, once in the stadium I can't even count the number of times we were told to "f*** off" or "go the f*** back to Alabama" or "orange and blue f***ing sucks". It seems they would rather be beligerant towards the road team than watch the game. Three times someone got in my face and cussed me out.

(Audio proof here.) Blogger and occasional commenter here Jimmy chimes in:

I spent all of last year in Morgantown at an internship and I warned everyone I knew about going there for the game. I witnessed some of the worst behavior imaginable. I lived next to the stadium and worked at the hospital. They would scream F*** you at young girls and people with families. During the Pitt game they threw glass bottles from the parking lot at fans walking by WITH KIDS. Grown adults have no problem jumping into peoples faces and forming a gang of drunken idiots around people. The fights never stop downtown and for Gods sake I am glad you did not venture out in Auburn gear after the game! It is a nasty college scene of drunken idiots. You can not imagine what a Monday at the hospitals are like there.

I know every fan base has its share of jackasses and jerks (the number of Auburn fans willing to yell "Go Buckeyes" or something similar at my Michigan friends during last year's road trip was definitely higher than I'd have liked), but this seems to be the reaction of nearly visiting fan who's ever set foot in Morgantown. Fans like these, like those who boo, do not deserve victory and surely cannot find too much favor with the football gods.

Actual alleged analysis: Always a good idea to start with Acid's preview of the game, but this is one of those rare cases where I find myself disagreeing with his conclusion, which is:

Auburn battles gamely, but the Mountaineers are too much, again. Auburn falls at home, 31-10.

It could happen, but the way I look at it, Auburn only lost by 17 in Morgantown last year, against a Mountaineer team that was much, much better than this year's will be--there's no way with the offensive line totally gutted (WVU returns one starter), White gone, their top three tacklers departed, excellent turnover luck (+12 last year) due to swing, and a new emphasis on the pass that WVU is going to be a 9-win team again. Auburn, on the other hand, should be improved. With Auburn moving up the ladder, West Virginia moving down, and the game in Jordan-Hare, shouldn't it be much closer than last year's edition?

Besides, on top of all of that, we're talking about a coaching staff headed up by Bill Stewart. I'll totally agree with Acid that the 'Eers are talented, but is this really the guy we'd expect to get the most out of that talent? I shouldn't judge him by the way he spoke to Erin Andrews during last year's Auburn telecast like a guy who still couldn't believe he'd been so ridiculously blessed as to have the job he has, but ... I'm going to anyway. He's not that guy.

And so I think Auburn has a good shot at this. A great shot ... eh, we'll see what both teams do in their respective first couple of weeks. But we're not going to see a replay of last year's debacle. That much, I'm sure of.

2009 Cheese Puff Previews: Mississippi St.

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



Ah, Mississippi St.

Last year wasn't really fun for any of us, and I don't just mean the 3-2 thing, though that was just about the least fun victory in Auburn history. (And yet, somehow, the Tennessee game two weeks later would just about top it. Amazing season, that Season of DEATH.) I mean the part where after a bowl-bound, eight-win season so fluky 2002 Ohio St. looked over and said "Damn, you guys got lucky," you actually expected the good times to keep rolling. The rest of us could see the regression to the inevitable mean coming a mile away, so even though we'd be fine seeing you continue to catch a few breaks for once (or, after 2007, twice), there wasn't much we could do other than keep wishing you luck ... as you lost to Louisiana Tech to open the season, lost 3-2 at home to (ahem) a team that would finish 2-6 in the SEC, got obliterated by the worst Tennessee team in memory, struggled gamely but lost anyway to Kentucky and Arkansas, and finally honored your annual rivalry game by laying one serious whopper of an egg in the season finale. I mean, when was the last time you had genuine expectations, Mississippi St.? And then they get crushed like so many tiny, tiny nuts at the local ice cream shop. It's a cruel, cruel world out there, and I don't know if anyone (other than Ole Miss fans) enjoyed seeing you served so cold a reminder.

But it's a new year! With a new coach! And a new, possibly functional offense! But just like always, we're wishing you ... oh, wait, right, that new coach of yours joined his jerkwad former mentor in shooting his mouth off about the Limo Gambit, implying that the coaches for one of the richest programs in the country were skimping on the team's athletic equipment to rent a limo for a week.

Whatever. Enjoy another year in 4-8ville, Bulldogs.



Last year: Pretty much covered that. Exeunt Sly Croom and his 21-38 record, enter Dan Mullen.

Notable previous meeting: Between changing the institution's name from Mississippi A&M to Mississippi State College in 1932 and then to Mississippi State University in 1961, "MSC"'s athletics teams were known by the nickname "Maroons." This inspired a float in Auburn's 1952 Homecoming parade bearing the banner "Maroon the Maroons!," upon which a papier-mache State player was alone on a tiny "island" as several costumed orange-and-blue "Tiger sharks" surrounded him. A snapshot of the float appeared on the cover of Friday's Opelika-Auburn News.

Unfortunately for Auburn, when the Maroons arrived in town Friday afternoon, a copy of the paper found its way into the hands of first-year MSC head coach Murray Warmath. Warmath was incensed, believing the float to be a joke at the expense of his nephew Jackie Fitcherson, who had died serving his country in the Pacific theater of World War II some nine years previous. Fitcherson had been aboard a transport plane that had been blown off course and eventually found crash-landed on an uninhabitable island only a few acres across. The Saturday Evening Post had famously reported that Navy investigators had found signs of possible human activity following the crash, but no survivors, and quoted a corporal who speculated that the survivors had unsuccessfully attempted to swim through "shark-infested waters" to a second island in the far distance.

Warmath angrily called Shug Jordan (then in his second season on the Plains) Friday evening, accusing the students responsible of having found the Post article and using it to secretly perpetrate a "classless and depraved" prank at Warmath's expense. He threatened to have his team no-show and forfeit the game unless he and "the heroic men on that plane" received a full public apology. Jordan was able to calm Warmath down, and alongside the president of Auburn's chapter of Alpha Phi Omega--the service fraternity responsible for the float--met with him over breakfast early Saturday to reassure him that the apparent connection was purely coincidental, and no offense was meant. An emotional Warmath (allegedly deeply shaken by the loss of Fitcherson, his sister's son) agreed not to forfeit the game, but insisted on the apology. Buoyed by their head coach's fiery pregame pep talk--which one Maroon would later recall as "like a demon from Hell itself had gotten into him"--Mississippi St. would go on to ruin Auburn's Homecoming with a 49-34 win.

Alpha Phi Omega's apology was printed in the Auburn Plainsman as promised--two sentences, in an unheadlined one-inch box at the bottom of page 17 (of 18).

Actual* series history: Auburn leads the all-time series 56-23-2 and has won seven of the previous eight meetings--though after an average victory margin of 30.2 points through the first six games of that span (all of them Auburn victories), the last two meetings have been decided by a total of six points.

Causes for Alarm

1. Does Auburn still kind of owe Mississippi St. for beating the Tide in back-to-back years? At the time, that was some delicious, delicious embarrassment, as sweet as Tide defeats administered by a team other than ourselves got. (That said, I think we're even after the 2007 game ... and the fact that Shula's Crooming helped lead to Saban's arrival. Very, very even.)

2. I dunno, when you live in a city where they put the word "stark" right there in the name, and play for a University that can't even figure out how to spell its own name ... wouldn't that give you a chip on your shoulder? Wouldn't you be kind of mad at the world? Wouldn't you be ready to take it out on whatever person crossed your path that happened to live in a place where, just hypothetically speaking, maybe some magazine, like, I don't know, let's say U.S. News and World Report, just for the hell of it, had just happened to name that place to one of those, whaddaya call 'em, Best Places to Live lists? I would think you would be, and I think this goes a long way towards explaining why for all of their offensive issues, the Bulldogs have boasted one hard-hitting defense for years.

Causes for Confidence

1. I'm tempted to say "If Greg Knox does for the Mississippi State running backs' hands what he's done for Auburn's receivers' hands for the past couple of years, we should plan on nabbing at least a couple of fumble recoveries," but that seems a ridiculously bitter thing to say about a guy who served Auburn faithfully and well (well, sort-of well) for many years.

So I'll just say instead that if Knox was serious when he compared new running back charges Tony Dixon and Co. to Cadillac, Ronnie, Deuce McAllister, etc., such a short memory following those years of service deserves some sort of reprisal. (Note: he probably wasn't serious and was just doing the standard coaching "this current player in front of me that you, media person, are asking me about is the best I've ever seen/coached/watched play the violin/fed a dozen chicken pot pies to" response. The real coaching karma points in Auburn's favor come from Mullen running his mouth. But I covered that already.)

2. This veers towards "actual alleged analysis" territory, but it really is quite simple: last year Auburn was a worse team than Auburn will be this year and was playing a Miss. St. team that by near-universal consensus was better than this year's team will be. Auburn played that team on the road, finished -2 in turnover margin, handed over a safety on an end-zone holding call, never scored a touchdown, missed multiple field goals ... and still won the game. Better Auburn team, worse Miss St. team, better Auburn performance, worse (at least defensively) Miss. St. performance ... the math here doesn't look hard.

Actual alleged analysis: That's not to say, of course, it won't actually be hard for Auburn. Tony Dixon is indeed an industrious back, and Mullen's a creative enough guy (and Auburn potentially soft enough in the front seven) that I could see Dixon grinding out a goodly number of first downs. Tyson Lee is the latest wearer of the ever-revolving Not Actually That Bad mantle for Mississippi St. quarterbacks, and even if the last few wearers have gone back to wearing the crown of Wait He Really Is That Bad, Lee could always be the exception. State only returns three or four defensive starters, but new DC Carl Torbush is an old pro who should know what he's doing and will likely keep at least some semblance of the old Ellis Johnson stoutness intact. If Auburn's offense is experiencing more transitional issues than the Bulldogs and Dixon opens up enough throwing lanes that even Lee can't screw things up, sure, we could have a 2007 repeat on our hands.

But ... eh, I just don't think it's likely. What's likely is that Auburn will have the better team and better season than Mississippi St. this year. Here, I'll just quote Phil Steele:

Mullen inherits a team that was -111 ypg in conference play (SEC worst) ... their 10 returning starters are the fewest in the SEC. With the coaching change, learning new schemes on both sides of the ball and going from a run offense to a pass offense (I'm not sure that's how it's going to operate, for the record--ed.), this clearly looks like a rebuilding year and I do not see the Bulldogs even matching LY's 4 win total.

So ... yeah. As Acid Reign recounted in his Track'Em preview, Mullen's first recruiting class had a lot of talent that's expected to come in and contribute immediately ... but that it's expected to contribute immediately should also tell you how thin State's roster is. Is a team with a new coaching staff, three new starters in the secondary, three new starters on the defensive line, three new starters in the WR/TE corps and two starters on the offensive line really going to be ready in the second game of the year to come into Jordan-Hare and walk out with a win? Especially when many of those starters (Lee, the offensive linemen, lone remaining corner Marcus Washington) were so ineffectual last year?

If that win happens--and I'll admit it's as much in the realm of possibility as that win two years ago was--the Auburn coaching staff really might want to think about going easy on the limos and investing in, say, some better shoes.

*Anyone wondering about the preceding story, please do note the emphasis on the word "Actual" here. Thanks.

2009 Cheese Puff Previews: Louisiana Tech

Back by popular demand blogger fiat, it's your No. 1 most favorite tolerated series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery. As always, it should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition, but hopefully you find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming. And so it is unofficially sponsored by:



I swear on everything holy I'm going to make it past, say, Week 8 with the Cheese Puff Previews this year. Meaning I should probably go ahead and get started. Meaning it's time to look at the Lousiana Tech Bulldogs, Auburn's Week 1 opponent this fall and proud member of the Western Athletic Conference. Here's to hoping their football team proves to be as powerful as their conference affiliation is geographically sound.



Last year It doesn't get any more "team on the rise" than Tech, who in their two seasons under Derek "Son of Vince" Dooley have gone from 3-10, 1-7 WAC in Jack Bicknell's final season to 5-7, 4-4 in 2007 and 8-5, 5-3 last year. Amongst those eight wins were a home upset of Mississippi St. (in which their point total was some seven times larger than "3") and their first bowl victory since before your humble Auburn blogger was born. With some 16 starters returning, Dooley looks poised to return Tech to the vicinity of their late-'90s/early-'00s glory under Gary Crowton and Bicknell.

Damn it.

Notable previous meeting: Located squarely between Shreveport and Monroe in rural northern Louisiana, Ruston may not boast the famed cultural milieu of New Orleans or the Lousiana bayou, but like nearly any town you can find within the borders of the Pelican State it has always had its fair share of local color and memorable characters.

One of the most famous of these characters was Madame Omerta, a self-described "voodoo gypsy priestess" who retreated to Ruston from New Orleans in the early 1970s after claiming to have seen visions of the Big Easy "drowned beneath a tidal wave such as only God himself could still." She set up shop as a fortune teller and did good business as students from Tech and nearby Grambling frequently sought out her outlandish and ridiculous, optimistic predictions--she was fond of telling customers that a disliked ex-boyfriend or girlfriend would soon be trampled to death by a warthog--as one of their few reliable forms of entertainment in the two sleepy college towns. Eventually the Ruston Leader asked her to join the weekly staff college football pick-'em, and although Omerta never finished near the top of the paper's end-of-season standings, she always participated good-naturedly and developed an undeserved reputation for accuracy after predicting the Bulldogs' startling 24-14 upset of Louisville in the 1977 Independence Bowl.

As the years progressed, the novelty of Omerta's football predictions wore off as she began predicting victory for both Tech and Grambling every single week--even in the early stages of Tech's difficult transition to I-A football under Carl Torbush--in what was universally understood as a show of gratitude to the two institutions that had made her living for her. At the end of Tech's 4-7 1988 season, Daily sports reporter Charlie Devereaux paid her a visit to inform her that the paper would no longer be asking her to take part in the contest. She told Devereaux she understood the decision and--she confided--that the spirits had been refusing to impart the football results she had been asking for even since "the demon Reagan took office." As a gesture of thanks and thinking it might make a nice "farewell" item for his notebook column, Devereaux asked Omerta if she had any last predictions for the future of Tech football. She agreed, and he recorded what happened next for the 1996 book Ball on the Bayou: Weird True Stories of Louisiana Football:

"She put her palms face up on the table, closed her eyes, and started in with the same spirit gibberish she'd been using when I went to see her my senior year at Tech. I was just hoping she'd make it quick when all of a sudden her eyes shoot open and roll all the way back into her head. Her fingers and hands were usually relaxed and curled a bit, but now they shot straight out, stiff as a board. She started talking, and it was in a voice I'd never heard her use before, deeper than deep, like someone else was inside her talking. She said, and I'll remember this 'til the very day I die, "Hear me: bulldog from bulldog, son from the father, captain from captain, so shall blue eat the blue, so shall the dog bring down a tiger, so shall the humble topple the tower of the proud." Then just like that her eyes go back to normal, her hands go back to normal, and she starts looking around the room like she forgot where she was. Weirdest damn thing I ever saw, and I live in Louisiana."

With Auburn on the schedule in 1989 and team captain Reggie Castille at quarterback, the son of former Tech great (and 1965 team captain) Darren Castille, Devereaux became convinced he had heard a legitimate prophecy about the outcome of that year's meeting between the Tigers and Bulldogs. He wrote a column to that effect (one which reportedly made it into a highly-amused Auburn locker room) and wagered heavily on a Tech upset. Unfortunately for him--and Omerta, whose local reputation for football divination was finally destroyed--Auburn cruised to a 38-23 victory.

Although it made him the butt of several years' worth of jokes in Ruston, Devereaux said he never regretted his decision--particularly after the very next season, the fifth-ranked Tigers only escaped the Bulldogs on a 30-yard field goal by Jim Von Wyl with three seconds left to give Auburn a 16-14 win. "Walking out of that crazy lady's house, I knew in my bones whatever she'd just said was going to happen," Devereaux would go on to say. "I still think Tech's going to beat Auburn one of these years. Just hasn't happened yet."

Omerta would not live to see if he was right; she passed away in 1999 after choking on a piece of fried catfish.

Actual series history: Auburn is 10-0-1 all-time against the Bulldogs, with the only blemish a 13-13 tie in 1948. But those 10 wins haven't always come easy: in addition to the 1990 meeting described (accurately) above, you may recall that Auburn won the 2002 matchup 48-41 in overtime after Damon Duval missed a potential third straight game-winner on the final play of regulation. Most of the other eight wins have come much easier, but there's precedent for a tight game come Sept. 5.

Causes for Alarm

1. Before you assume that Auburn will have a decisive advantage up front because we have a former Auburn great coaching our defensive line, check out who's coaching the Tech defensive line:



Jimmy Brumbaugh! Knowing how poorly Auburn has fared in recent games in which the opponent's big uglies are coached by a former Auburn player--see Searels, Stacy, and Rocker, Tracy, back when he was on the opposite sideline--and you can see why I think this is a bad omen.

2. Holy crap, this is awesome:

In the autumn of 1899, five Tech students returned home from school. They came upon an old, hungry bulldog sitting under a tree. The boys fed the dog with what food they had and continued their journey. When they finally reached their destination, however, they found that the dog had followed them. Being sensitive young men, they sought permission for the dog to stay the night, and the landlord agreed - if the animal remained in the kitchen. That night the house caught fire. Their overnight guest was the first to awaken. The dog ran from room to room, rousing everyone in the building. Then, after all the other occupants had made their way to safety, one boy remained inside. The bulldog re-entered the smoke-filled house in an apparent attempt to rescue him, not realizing the boy had escaped in a different direction. After the fire was extinguished and smoke had finally cleared, the boys went inside to see if the dog had indeed made it out to safety. But when they entered, they found the lifeless bulldog lying in an unburned corner of one room. He had died from the smoke and the heat. Naturally, the young men were shaken due to the death of their new friend. So they picked him up and carried him to the place they had found him the previous day. They then dug a grave and wrapped him in two jackets - one red and the other blue. When the boys returned to school and related their story, the whole campus mourned the death of the homeless dog. The dog with no name had found a place in the hearts of Tech students. Two years later, Tech organized a football team and decided the team needed not only school colors, but a mascot. A unanimous decision was reached as the bulldog, the first hero of Tech, was given the honor.

If you ever want to know why Tech enjoyed such a long and fruitful tradition at the lower levels of college football, this is why. Dead dog stories are always touching enough: this is a heroic dead dog story, and they've made it the basis for their nickname, colors, and mascot! Major, major karma points.

Causes for Confidence

1. Just because Tech buried a hero dog a century ago in some shade of red and blue doesn't mean they have to pick such an eye-searing shade of red and blue, does it? What, exactly, was wrong with this? And that's not even getting into the fact they've toyed with all-red unis of late. And lest you think all of this is pointless dithering, remember that no SEC team has uglier uniforms than Florida. Auburn knows, and Auburn punishes.

2. Auburn interviewed Derek Dooley for its vacant football head coaching position and turned him down. Surely, surely, the universe will not inflict upon our fine and proud University the indignity of the head coach it hired being defeated in his debut the man who the University passed over for him. Surely.

Actual alleged analysis: I'll just come right out and say it: this game gives the screaming willies all over. I can't even think about it for too long without feeling like I ought to post



Oops. I didn't actually want to do that. Whew. It's just that when it comes to a well-coached, exceedingly experienced team--did I mention the 16 returning starters?--walking into J-Hare for Chizik's debut and the first test drive of the Spread Eagle 2.0, and the intense pressure that's going to be on an Auburn team that has some areas where it's just not all that talented ... well, is it so wrong to



Sorry. I just ... I needed that.

Anyway: what's really scary looking over Acid's Tech preview is that the Bulldogs return every starter on both lines. He feels Auburn can stay even up front, but until we see Blanc and Ricks hold their own against a Rimington Watch List center with two years' worth of starting experience under his belt, I'm not sure. Ditto Andrew McCain taking on Tech's veteran, talented, Brumbaugh-coached d-line members.

Last year when Franklin's offense stalled out of the gate, it was the offensive line who had enough MAUL in them to take over and carry the day; I don't think Auburn has enough of an advantage here for that to happen again if history repeats itself at quarterback and general offensive coherence. Likewise, the defense made up for the offensive shortcomings by overwhelming the UL-Monroe front--Tech is too good and has too many weapons (like RB Daniel Porter and WR Phillip Livas) for that to happen. And if the game is tight entering the fourth quarter, will the new staff be able to keep everyone loose and focused with the game on the line?

So, yeah, I'm troubled. But for all of that, Auburn hasn't lost to a mid-major team since Brett Favre U. in 1991. Auburn is at home. Malzahn is not Franklin and the quarterback will not be yanked in and out at the end of every series. For all of their late-season offensive explosions, the Bulldogs never did have any great success against a defense with a pulse last year: even after their midseason QB change and playing Northern Illinois at a de facto home, they scored all of 17 points in their bowl victory. Even if the defensive line struggles at times, the secondary should be the strongest non-running back unit on the team and Stevens/Bynes/Freeman should be an improvement on the linebacking we saw finish up last season.

In the end, I think it'll be enough to turn the Bulldogs away. But no way it's going to come easy. Not when

Cheese Puff Previews #5: Tennessee

This series of near-substanceless, air-injected preview puffery should in no way be mistaken for actual preseason football nutrition. Nonetheless, the hope is that you will find the series unaccountably tasty and even habit-forming, and as such it is unofficially sponsored by:



It's not week-for-week the way I'd draw it up, but one of the good things about Auburn's 2008 schedule is that after a fairly rigorous three-week stretch of wildcard Southern Miss, rugged Mississippi St., and the annual toughest-game-on-the-schedule against LSU, the Tigers will be able to take a bit of a breather in Week 5 as they play host to ...

Tennessee? Tennessee? %$#@! Seriously, for the love of ... seriously. %$#@. No Ainge, I know, but Arian Foster might be the best back not named "Knowshon" in the league, the o-line is monstrous, the defensive front seven might be a little softer but the secondary is frightening. They're still the Vols. LSU, Tennessee, back-to-back. I know it's the SEC, but come on, who ...

Wait, what? Tennessee's playing who the week before? Florida? Oh.

Well. That's ... that's OK then. I guess.



Last year: Tennessee opened the Phil Fulmer pressure valve a little wider with a 10-win season, one that that included an SEC East title via tiebreaker, a more-than-respectable performance against the national champs in Atlanta, and a bowl victory over Wisconsin. Powering the Vols' run? Luck. Yep, pure, unfiltered, undiluted luck, the 35-14 drubbing of Georgia obviously excepted. (Of course, lucky or unlucky they don't award trips to Atlanta for style points.)

Meanwhile, behind a frightfully green-but-improving offensive line, Auburn rebounded from early upset losses to South Florida and Mississippi St. to upset top-five Florida on the road, take eventual national champion LSU to the wire, and stretch their school-record Iron Bowl winning streak to six on their way to a satisfying 9-4 final record.

Notable previous meeting: In 1989, in what was almost inarguably the sport's biggest rivalry at the time, Auburn and Tennessee met for a climactic clash that would decide the national championship.

Auburn had powered their way into the national title discussion with an undefeated regular season and would continue to build momentum with a five-point win over defending national champion Louisiana Tech. Before a national TV audience on CBS (still a novelty for the sport at the time), the Volunteers took an early lead, although Auburn responded to draw within a single possession early in the second half.

Unfortunately for the Lady Tigers, All-American Vickie Orr struggled with foul trouble throughout the game and picked up her third just as Auburn began to gain their second-half momentum. Despite the efforts of All-American Ruthie Bolton and freshman sensation Carolyn "C.J." Jones, the Volunteers would pull away for the 76-60 win and Pat Summitt's second women's basketball national title.

Damn them.

Actual (football) series history: The inter-divisional rotation hasn't brought the two teams together since Auburn swept two match-ups against the Vols in their division-winning seasons in 2004, giving the Tigers a three-game streak in the series after their 2003 win. Before that victory, though, the Tigers hadn't beaten Tennessee in six tries since 1988 (including a 26-26 tie in 1990).

All-time, Auburn leads the series 25-21-1.

Causes for Alarm

1. This is the sort of thing that would usually fall under the "alleged analysis" section of these things, but the Tennessee offensive line scares me worse than heights, needles, snakes, and Lou Holtz combined. It would be one thing if all they had going for them was the two allowed sacks on 301 pass attempts in SEC play. It would be another if the only other positive was that the Vols' 4.2 yards-per-carry mark was their highest since 2004. But it's something else when they return four of the five starters--fourth in the country according to Steele in terms of returning 2007 OL starts--that made those accomplishments possible. Yikes.

Second-team All-American senior left guard and certified nightmare fuel Anthony Parker.

Yes, Auburn should have a defensive line capable of inspiring a certain amount of terror itself. I'd feel better about their chances at wetting the pants at the Reggie Cobb Oil Change if Marks, Coleman, Carter, etc. weren't facing--yeah, I'm going to come right out and say it--the best o-line in the SEC.

2. I'm convinced somewhere between 60 to 70 percent of the Vols' success in football is attributable to--in the words of a study published by leading researchers in a major medical journal--the "the uncontrollable disruption of even routine mental thought processes, a reflexive impairment the layman might even refer to as temporary brain damage" caused by repeated exposure to Rocky Top over a three-to-four hour period. The study suggested that the occasional, random exposure to Rocky Top during a childhood spent in a Tennessee-centric environment could eventually create a tolerance for the song sufficient to render its immediate effects minimal (though long-term exposure was shown to have its own adverse side effects), but with no such protection Auburn's players and coaches can expect to struggle with the presence of the Pride of the Southland Band in Jordan-Hare.

On the positive side, the study suggested that if Earth ever comes under attack from the sound-vulnerable species of Martians depicted in the film Mars Attacks!*, bombarding the aliens with Rocky Top may prove as equally effective a countermeasure as Slim Whitman's "Indian Love Call."

Causes for Confidence

1. There are two good recognized nicknames out there (that I'm aware of, anyway) for SEC offenses: the "Cock and Fire" and, forgive the homerism, the "Spread Eagle." Both have the names of fierce and school-affiliated birds involved. Both have active verbs (two in C&F's's case). Both have certain pleasant sixth-grade-level sexual double-entendres, which I for one certainly appreciate. And both are clever.

At the moment, the term "Clawfense" is, like the baby bird fiddling with its wings and perched at the edge of the nest, trying to soar into the broader SEC consciousness as shorthand for new offensive coordinator Dave Clawson's mysterious offense.

Frankly, the "Clawfense" already has a strike against it when its players greet it not so much with the obligatory OMG SO GREAT WE'RE GOING TO SCORE A MILLION POINTS but with "uh, a lot of this is going over my head" statements borrowed from the opening of the Bill Callahan era in Lincoln. But it also suffers when it gets nicknamed the "Clawfense," more a Bad Joke than actual nickname.

That's not necessarily a bad thing. even though As any of my longtime readers (or readers of any length of time, come to think of it) could tell you, I am a lifelong appreciator of bad jokes. And as bad jokes go, it's not bad. I'd probably be awful proud of it if it was my bad-joke baby.

But as a nickname? To my ear it just sounds a tiny bit like a streeeeeeeeeetch. Plus, a claw is less intimidating than an entire bird. Plus plus (and speaking of birds) it sounds like the offense built around this guy:



and you don't want your offense to sound like that.

2. Britton Colquitt's a hell of a punter (or possibly, from the sound of it, a law firm), but Auburn doesn't have to care, as his suspension will end the following week against Northern Illinois. Mmmmm, field position.

(I will say this for Fulmer: I'm not sure every coach in this conference would suspend one of his team's best weapons for the back-to-back games against Florida and Auburn and let him come back only when it's time to steamroll a MAC tomato can.)

Actual alleged analysis: Honestly: what the hell do we make of Tennessee?

There are grumblings from certain hunter's orange-colored corners that with an avalanche of hype burying the division's top two teams, the defending East champs deserve to have at least a slushball or two of respect tossed their way. And on paper, there's little question they have a point. The offense is Ainge-less, yes, but Ainge-less isn't so bad when the line is this good, the entire receiving corps returns, and Arian Foster is ready to take 30 handoffs a game when you are, sir. All Jonathan Crompton has to do is not screw it up, and combining his relative experience (junior, one start) with his recruiting evaluations (PS #3) suggests he may be capable of doing much more than not screwing it up.

Defensively, the front seven loses four starters, but two of the returners are mountainous senior tackle Demonte Bolden and tackling-machine linebacker Rico McCoy, and the line gets the "despite the losses, this unit should be tougher up front" treatment from Steele. The secondary, meanwhile, might be in the "best in the country" discussion. There's not a ton to dislike on this side of the ball, either.

But as always, it's the play that's the thing, and the 2007 Vols--who had just as many on-paper reasons for optimism as this year's version, if not more--just didn't play very well if you look anywhere besides the scoreboard. Again, their Pythagorean was awful. They were outgained by 32.7 yards a game, the third-worst mark in the league. They finished plus-7 in turnovers. Whatever their record said, this team underachieved on a down-to-down basis and will have to dramatically improve just to tread water in the win-loss column this year.

And as many positives as the Vols' have, there are reasons to think that if there is improvement, it's not going to be dramatic. Crompton will still have a learning curve, one made all the more steep for Cutcliffe's departure and the Clawfense's apparent intricacies. The wideouts are experienced but--Gerald Jones potentially aside--don't seem the sort to keep opposing DC's awake at night. And even with the staggering late-season improvement shown by the secondary, this is still a defense with several major losses from a unit that gave up 59 to Florida, 41 to the Tide, 45 to Cal. My hunch is that 2008 Tennessee proves to be a slightly better football team than 2007 Tennessee, with the giant caveat of a slightly--or even significantly--worse record.

A loss at J-Hare could--maybe even should--be part of that, um, worse-ness. I like Auburn in the trenches, where our d-line should be able to battle even the Vols' o-line to something approaching a draw and our o-line should have an edge. Frankly, unless the Clawson hire turns out to be a coup, I like the game-planning track record of Tubby and his staff better than I do Fulmer and his. The Vols have also been wretched on the road of late--they've lost their last three away games against ranked teams by a combined 70 points, and that's not even taking the beatdown in Tuscaloosa into consideration.

In the end, though, I come back to the same complaint with the schedule I opened this post with. Don't get me wrong: Auburn fans don't have the slightest bit of whining wriggle room when the Vols are going to arrive on the Plains a week after hosting the Gators. But let's theorize, regardless, that the Tigers emerge battered and bruised from the LSU game (is there any other way to emerge from an Auburn-LSU game?) but with what will surely look like a season-defining victory in hand. Meanwhile, let's say Tennessee gets Tebowned for a second straight year, this time in Knoxville. This scenario would send Auburn into their date with the Vols as an unequivocal home favorite, one ranked in the top-10, in the SEC West driver's seat, and busy soaking up the congratulations and title-talk on all sides. The Vols, meanwhile, would be wounded and angry, while still as talented as ever and likely badly underrated.

If you have been an Auburn fan for any length of time, you recognize this as the sort of scenario that has always been Tubby's biggest Achilles heel. It's also, unfortunately, the same scenario Fulmer has used to save his career on more than one occasion and has perpetually thrived in. It terrifies me.

Obviously, the scenario could just as easily be reversed, with Auburn falling at home to LSU and Tennessee springing the upset over Florida. Or both teams could win and set up a massive clash of undefeateds. Or they could both lose and set up the Raycom Game of the Week. Whatever happens, the point is this: I firmly believe Auburn's too good to go 0-2 over these two weeks. But even if that's a valley too deep to expect Auburn to slip into, 2-0 is likewise a mighty tall hill to climb. The Tigers can get there, no question, but they'd better bring some extra oxygen and the best crampons they can find, because both LSU and the Vols are going to make sure it's treacherous footing every step of the way.

*I haven't met enough other people who enjoyed (or even remember) this movie to really make this reference worthwhile, I know, but screw it--the image of the UT band marching down the streets of Vegas with Martian heads exploding left and right is too appropriate to pass up. Plus, the film's a totally underrated entry in the Burton oeuvre and deserves the attention. So there you go.