A limo once ran over Urban Meyer's pet poodle "Dr. Scruffington"

Urban Meyer would like the NCAA to mandate the next "Tiger Prowl" use transportation that fits the legal definition of a "jalopy, or other humorously out-of-date and potentially dangerous vehicle."

I've never found Urban Meyer quite as grating as fans of some other SEC programs--my team having beaten his two years consecutively maybe has something to do with that--but there's no denying that he does enjoy climbing up on that beloved high horse of his, is there? He's up there so often he should carry a saddle! ZING!

And while before I've been content before to let the Dawg and Vol factions respond to his crocodile (gator?) tears, this week Meyer found his oh-so-pious sensibilities offended by a transgressor much closer to home:

STRETCHING RULES: You may have read where Auburn used stretch limos to parade recruits around the state of Alabama. The idea was that the limos would not only appeal to the kids but get Auburn plenty of attention because of the decals on the limos.

The real question here is whether other schools will follow suit or will the NCAA enact a new rule banning their use. We've seen the NCAA react to excessive meals and plane trips as well as text messaging. Can this be far behind?

"I think it should," Urban Meyer told Dooley Noted when asked if the NCAA will get involved. "We're trying to sell graduation rates and academics and (they're) trying the sing and dance routine.

"The Florida coaching staff will not be riding around in limos or ripping off our shirts."

That's an obvious reference to reports that some Tennessee assistants ripped off their shirts in front of recruits.

Oh Lord. You can't see how hard I'm rolling my eyes, but trust me, I can give you the details on the back of my skull when I'm done.

Where to begin?

1. It's one thing for Meyer to act the aggrieved defender of gridiron decorum in the face of The Celebration or Kiffykins' inane barking, since those things actually, you know, directly involved his team. But what the hell did the Limo Gambit have to do with Florida? Does Meyer really think of himself as the sport's self-appointed Propriety Czar? Does he really feel the need to weigh in with the thumbs-up or thumbs-down, Gladiator-style, on every potential rules issue some reporter brings before him?

Hey, I guess he does. How immensely appealing, and not at all 100 percent FDA-certified Grade A tool. My nickel's worth of free advice: shut up and worry about your own team.

2. Does this look like a "sing and dance routine" to you? Does it?

3. Pray tell, Your Moral Infallibleness, exactly how should the NCAA should legislate the transportation decisions of schools who want to send out seven coaches together? So no limos, OK--what about a giant tricked-out Madden-style luxury bus? What if they all want to show up on Harleys in leather jackets with "Heaven's Angels, Because We're From Auburn" on the back? Double-decker bus imported from London? Clown car? Tell us, tell us please, Urban, what's OK and what isn't! I'm so confused! We need your guidance! Because a big Hummer with Auburn magnets and little gameday window flags--window flags, the scandal!--is clearly a massive affront to the decency and taste of decent people everywhere.

4. It's a song-and-dance routine, not a "sing-and-dance routine," you ninny.

5. If Gene Chizik went on the record as saying one of Meyer's recruiting tactics should be an NCAA violation, I'm sure Meyer would be totally cool with that and would never say anything to the effect of "At Florida, we're only worried about Florida. We're not worried about what other teams or coaches are doing or saying about us. I suggest the other coaches in the conferences do the same."

6. I'm so sure that when recruiting Jamar Hornsby, dead girl credit card thief and brass knuckles-enthusiast, and Ronnie Wilson, automatic weapons expert, and the five other Gators or very recently ex-Gators who have been arrested since November, the very first words out of Meyer's mouth were "Come to Florida! We have some of the best Eastern philosophy professors and the most comprehensive molecular biology program in the SEC!"

So, yeah, in short: Urban Meyer can bite me. I hope Wes Byrum runs him over in a diamond-studded golf cart, cradling a boombox on his shoulder blasting "California Love."