Saturday, November 29, 2008


Go Tigers. Beat Alabama. Win, Auburn.

Please. Win.

Win, because for my grandfather and so many other grandfathers who have been Auburn men for a lifetime, men who endured the heartbreak of the Bear years and came out the other side still clutching their orange-and-blue sweatshirts and Auburn caps with flat bills, watching Auburn defeat Alabama for a seventh consecutive year will seem like a movie reel come true--a movie from back when they made them like they used to.

Win, because even all things dream of being something more than they are, even toilet paper, dreaming its dreams of flight.

Win, because there are children six years old who have never watched Auburn lose the Iron Bowl, and their innocence is beautiful.

Win, because Tez Doolittle has fought for six years, fought like a Tiger against doubt and opponents bent on breaking him and bureaucracy and his own treacherous body to play Alabama as a senior, and because when I was little I thought the ending to Rocky wasn't good enough.

Win, because after you had torn Alabama to quivering pieces in 2005, the man with the crimson tie in my office told me with an utterly straight face that if the early second-half safety the officials could have called had been called, Alabama would have won the game; win because the Auburn fans still working in that office and in so many other offices should not be left to work alongside such willful, delirious ignorance given over to celebration.

Win, because while other mascots paw restless in cages and or lie fat on the ground or fail to exist, ours soars across the blue sky underneath the orange sun and reminds us all of what glory looks like, and that should be worth something, damn it.

Win, because their head coach is a villain, either a ticking machine built for wins and nothing else or a man who would like be thought of as a ticking machine built for wins and nothing else, and their worship of him belongs to other false idols.

Win, because when Brad Lester and Jason Bosley and Chris Evans and Merrill Johnson Robert Dunn and Tyronne Green and Robert Shiver and Rodgereqis freaking Smith leave the field in Auburn jerseys and Auburn helmets for the final time, they deserve to leave winners, leave without ever knowing the worst defeat, leave with a clean table in the restaurant's corner and a free cold beer on top of it waiting for them forever.

Win, because whatever Tommy Tuberville's failings, Tommy Tuberville will not deserve what will be said about him and written about him should he lose.

Win, because Kodi Burns will have to build a season next fall and he could have no more stable cornerstone.

Win, because our side has won 33 times; their side has won 38 times; and another victory means our side is five wins from telling their side all their trophies and all their rankings and all their bygone glories are mere pleasant consolation prizes to being the second-best college football team in their own great state.

Win, because when the game is finished my mother will hug me regardless, and at the end of this cold season a hug of sympathy rather than of victory seems like almost more than we can bear.

Win, because we are all so head-over-heels in love with this game we'll believe any fool thing, even that you're the Good Guys, even in the old stories where the Good Guys always win in the end no matter how much they suffer along the way.

Win, because we want to keep believing in those stories.

Win for those who have come to Tuscaloosa because they cannot bear to cheer you from afar.

Win for the countless elsewhere whose hearts go with you regardless.

Win for Auburn, power of Dixieland.

Win. Please. Win.

Go Auburn. Beat Alabama. Win the Iron Bowl.


War Eagle.


Sullivan013 said...

Win. For if Auburn should last "..a thousand years, men will still say - 'This was thier finest hour.' "


*Winston Churchill

Brandon said...

Somebody make it stop hurting. Please Jerry, make it make sense. How could God allow this? Surely He will not allow Bama to buy a championship. Death to Bama. War Eagle, til death. Go Gators.

TideFaninTN said...

Amy Grant, dude.

Anonymous said...

It's going to be a tough couple of years for Auburn fans.

Anonymous said...

Now they have known the worst defeat. The worst in 46 years.

Phocion said...

God doesn't love you, Brandon. He never did. He was just making Alabama serve penance for the last 6 years.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Lost - Because Auburn is terrible.

Lost - Because the slow slide to mediocrity took less than two years.

Lost - Because this is how God punishes Hubris.

Lost - For every B/S line Tuberville used to make excuses for going from preseason top Ten to end of season "Has Been"

Lost - Beacause hunting is more important than recruiting

Lost - Because of Charles from Reeltown

Lost - Because of IMan (is he standing naked on top of the Vulcan statue today)

Lost - Because of David Housel's speech

Lost - Beacuse Auburn needed reminding that they are the red headed step child.

etc, etc, etc...

Jerry Hinnen said...

TFiT: Yeah, I know. It was worth a shot. Clearly Auburn needed all the help it could get, no?

As for the rest of you, the obligatory line about how I'd gloat too if I had to wait seven years to do it goes here. said...

Despite all the beautiful arguments you gave for winning, Jerry, Auburn lost, didn't they? None of those reasons was sufficient to overcome the talented play of the Alabama football team, and I give them credit for an excellent season on the field.

But I had to laugh at Anonymous attributing Hubris to the Auburn family. Having spent years among true believers from both camps (having earned two degrees from the University of Alabama I can speak with some authority here), I can tell you with complete certainty that, although there are some obnoxious Auburn fans out there, when it comes to hubris, AU people are rank amateurs in comparison to the vast majority of UA fans, who have made their arrogance into an art form and then display it as if it were a God-given virtue (as I emailed previously).

And speaking as one of the red-headed stepchildren - I'd rather lose as an Auburn fan, painful as it may be, than ever, ever, ever identify myself with the Crimson Tide. War Eagle!

Brandon said...

Bama fans shall see how God punishes hubris in less than one week. 7 years. 7 years it took to defeat the so-called "red headed step child". Bama will not be allowed to buy a championship, and will be punished mightily for their transgressions. 12 wins, w/o so much as an SEC championship. Pride goeth before a fall, indeed.

Our "slide to mediocrity" will not last.

Because Auburn does not suffer 10 straight years of rebuilding.

Because Tuberville > Saban.

Because Auburn runs a clean program, and will not have to answer to the NCAA for cheating.

Because 6 is no fluke.

Because the Auburn spirit will not be broken.

Auburn > Alabama.

$8 million better spent elsewhere.

War Eagle.

Enjoy the pain.

Anonymous said...

It is truly sad to believe that a loss to Florida would humble Alabama fans in any way toward your beloved and dysfunctional Auburn "family".

It does not change the fact that Alabama totally dominated and humiliated a completely inferior Auburn team.

Hold on tight to the last six years. They are ancient history. Rattle on. When the Auburn family goes to a therapist for help, he'll teach you about denial.

Phocion said...


Since you are now interested in history, the number you want to refer to is 9; that being the number of victories in the biggest streak in Iron Bowl history...and, of course, it is held by Alabama over Auburn.

Sullivan013 said...

Ancient history? From a Bama fan? Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle.

So let's talk recent history. Bama is 2 and 6 in the Iron Bowl this century.

Enjoy this week, mullethead. It's all that's left of your 'undefeated season.'


Anonymous said...

Mullethead? Is that the best you have? "Bama losing to Florida", is that all you have left?

If Bama loses to UF, nothing changes. Auburn is still awful. Alabama still crushed Auburn, and bragging rights belong to Alabama.

Speaking of calling things black, Mr Kettle, Auburn (the Ag school) fans referring to Alabama fans as Rednecks is laughable.