1. Florida. Heavens-to-betsy! Gee willikers! Ye gods! Sweet merciful heavens! Holy toledo! Jeepers! Goodness gracious sakes alive! Jiminy Christmas! Egads! (Etc. All justified when you beat five bowl teams in five weeks and 42-14 is the closest of those five scores.)
2. Alabama. Voting the Gators tops in a power poll makes sense, but anyone who drops the Tide (or Texas Tech) behind a one-loss team--any one-loss team--places a very curious value indeed on losing vis a vis winning.
GAP SO WIDE THE GRAND CANYON THINKS IT COULD SLIM UP A BIT
3. Georgia. The only thing that makes less sense to me than this offense averaging only 26.9 points per SEC game is, like, molecular quantum physics. No, wait--molecular quantum physics as explained by Lou Holtz.
GAP SO CAVERNOUS THERE ARE FISH AT ITS BOTTOM WHO HAVE NO EYES
4. Ole Miss. Ole Miss 59, Louisiana-Monroe 0; Louisiana-Monroe 31, Troy 30; Troy 31, LSU 3 (however temporarily). Consider that a prediction.
5. LSU. I dunno, I'm starting to think opposing defenses are sending Jarrett Lee e-mails like DEAR MR. LEE: MY NAME IS PRINCE TEBO MUTOMBO OF THE REPUBLIC OF PIKSIXIA AND I HAVE INHERITED 47,000 FOOTBALL POINTS AFTER THE DEATH OF MY FATHER KING LORENZO MUTOMBO OF PIKSIXIA. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME KEEP MY FOOTBALL POINTS SAFE. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO PAY VIA INTERCEPTION TRANSFER A SMALL SCOREBOARD INCREASE FEE OF SEVEN FOOTBALL POINTS FOR ME, I WILL MOVE MY POINTS TO A SAFE ACCOUNT IN GAYNESVILLE AND BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU 7,000 FOOTBALL POINTS AS A TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE. THEY WILL BE YOUR POINTS YOU CAN USE TO WIN YOUR TEAM FOOTBALL. PLEASE HELP ME MR. LEE.
6. South Carolina. Eh, so that was the worst first quarter I've ever seen an SEC team play. Still an 8-win team.
7. Vanderbilt. Dude, if Adidas doesn't sign the 'Dores (and D.J. Moore, the best player in this league whose name doesn't rhyme with Mim Mebow) up for the next round of "Impossible is Nothing" commercials, I'm gonna be hella pissed.
8. Kentucky. Were even Kentucky fans really that upset about seeing their team lose when said loss sent Vandy to a bowl? Besides, they needed that anger for Gillespie.
9. Arkansas. It's true that scientists working with the Large Hadron Collider have discovered a new particle that stays in place in the nucleus only until a second nearby particle becomes dislodged, at which point the first particle shifts noticeably in the direction of the vacancy created by the second. However, it's only a rumor that this particle has been named the Petrino. That part's not true.
10. Auburn. Great to see Auburn finally, finally get over the top after so many weeks of trying. Trying to cover the spread, I mean. That's an eight-game losing streak we snapped there. Also, the trying to finally hit dead last in the country in red zone efficiency. We've been after that one for a while, too.
11. Tennessee. Normally, facing Kentucky and Vandy in November's a good thing. Now, though, maybe the Vols would prefer to face two teams who won't take as much joy in kicking sand in their face?
12. Mississippi St. If the Bulldogs can't beat the Hogs or Rebels, you'll be able to make an argument this is, in fact, the worst season yet of Croom's tenure.
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