Dare to dream

Let's be up front about this: LSU should be the No. 1 team in the country. Their defense remains filled with terrors and beasts not above the basest savagery. They will be playing at home, at night, in a cajun-spiced death-hole our Tigers haven't emerged from with a W since 1999. Whatever slim hope Auburn had of finding them overconfident and dozing in the backseat until Miles pulled them into the SEC Championship parking lot evaporated last week.

And yet, I do not make the declaration I made to Brandon Cox before the Florida game, that he and his team should travel to into hostile enemy territory completely unburdened by the weight of expectation. At that time, Auburn fans did not know what team we had. An Auburn that was headed for a 2-10 Dubosian disaster? An Auburn unable to compete with the conference's alleged elite but able to scrape to 6-6 on the backs of Vandyish wins and and a visit to the Next Great City of the South? (Please, children, refrain from snickering.) Or something much more grand? There can be no expectations placed on nothing, and after the NMSU game and the glimmer of Good Brandon's return, Auburn fans knew nothing.

Now? We know Auburn is, in fact, that something grand. The Tigers are a mad roiling stew of precocious youth in nearly every position you look, a quarterback simultaneously terrifying and perfectly composed, Tommy still-the-same Tuberville, a kicker who arrives on campus and a handful of weeks later boots game-winners as effortlessly as if he was simply mashing "X" in NCAA '07, an injury-shredded defense that may be the guttiest I have ever had the privilege to watch ... and, oh yeah, this guy:


Warning: some language for grown-ups involved.

...who is rapidly on his way to becoming Auburn's Han Solo. Is he a scoundrel? Scoundrel? On the video, yes. But we like the sound of that, don't we, Auburn fans?

This is a good team, we know that now--when a team outgains and defeats both Florida and Arkansas on the road, there is no doubt any longer--and good teams have things expected of them.

I expect Auburn to remain competitive Saturday, at the least. I expect the defense to limit the success of Matt Flynn, whose very best this season has been just north of mediocre. I expect that some pressure will be applied and some rushing plays stuffed against an offensive line that has struggled against both Tulane and Kentucky. I expect our offensive coaching staff and our senior quarterback to engineer and execute enough of a gameplan to put some points--however few--on Auburn's side of the scoreboard. I expect our punters to not hurt our field position as they did (or tried to, anyway, before hops so kind I hope Shoemaker and Tatum bought them something from Hallmark) last week. More than anything, I expect Auburn to play as hard as they can from kickoff to final whistle. On that count, I have no doubt they will.

Do I expect a win?

No, I cannot say that I do. Part of that? Again: 0-3 since 1999. Often with good teams, against worse teams, with a head coach that has by now almost quantifiably proven himself the best road coach in the nation. And there is, of course, the matter of Tyson Jackson and Craig Steltz and Trindon Holliday and Glenn Dorsey and all the other LSU super-studs that have fueled my nightmares this week. More on them tomorrow.

But also, because it seems like asking too much. Win Saturday, and all standing between the same Auburn team that fell at home to Miss. St's backup quarterbacks and Atlanta will be home wins against Ole Miss and Alabama. Win Saturday, and a team that can sometimes barely get out of its own way on offense will have gone 4-0 in two seasons against the two other strongest programs in the SEC. Win Saturday, and we can begin seriously discussing the possibility of an SEC title.

For this team, this season, this would be a dream. It sounds like the King of Cliches, and it is, but it's the best way to describe Auburn winning at the should-be No. 1 team in the country, against our second-biggest rival, to seize control our the SEC West race. It's storybook. It's fairy tale. It's something to think about and wish "Golly, wouldn't that be something" to pass the time waiting in line at the bank or cruising the Interstate. It's not something to expect.

But this entire college football season has been seemingly designed to tell fans and pundits that what they expect means precisely nothing. And Auburn has been at the forefront of that design as much as anyone: Few expected the USF loss, none the Crooming, only the absolute most starry-eyed of us the Florida win. Maybe the majority of Auburn fans expected a win in Fayetteville, but holding McFadden and
Jones to 67 yards is an occurrence as unlikely as anything.

So, as I learned in the IMAXish theater at the Huntsville Space and Rocket Center so many years ago, the dream is alive. Auburn can beat LSU Saturday. Auburn can still win an SEC championship. "Keep dreaming" is often used an an insult, but that's what at stake this week--there are expectations, there are hopes, and there are dreams.

C'mon, Auburn: keep us dreaming.

Actual alleged analysis tomorrow. Also, the image at the top of this post can be bought at RedElephants.com. Seriously, if I ever become an Auburn fan running an online memorabilia shop, I hope I have the dignity of not carrying any Daniel Moore prints. Standards, man.

Power Poll ballot, Ohio St. thoughts

One thing before I get to this weeks' ballot: The OH NOES OHIO STATE SO UNDESERVING AAAAHHH paranoia that seems to have swept SEC country over the past few days needs to get reined in just a bit.

For starters, the Buckeyes still have a long, long road to travel before they limp their way into the national title game and it's highly unlikely they reach the end of it unscathed. Yes, the Big Televen makes a gauntlet of beaded curtains and those doors to restaurant kitchens that swing open at a touch look like the Eliminator. (SEC road games in this analogy = those freaking hand cranks.) But even last season OSU nearly stubbed its toe against Illinois and Michigan and that bunch of Buckeyes was a much, much better team than this year's model. Meanwhile, its opponents (with the exception of the Wolverines) have gotten better and its schedule (this year at Michigan and with Wisconsin included) has gotten worse. And, of course, any top-five ranking thus far this season has a curse on par with the monkey's paw's. In short, I'll believe the Buckeyes will go undefeated when I see it and not a moment before.

Second, would a one-loss SEC champ really wind up behind the Buckeyes in the polls come season's end after the Buckeyes' de-pantsing in Glendale? Probably, but I think a careful evaluation a la Brian's this week would give the Harris voters, in particular, a lot to think about.

Lastly and most importantly, yes, yes, it's very, very difficult to get through the SEC with a perfect record and yes, many other teams have it easier. But as an SEC fan, would you trade the season's first month-plus--and Arkansas-Alabama, Georgia-Alabama, Auburn-Florida, Florida-LSU, LSU-Kentucky, Auburn-Arkansas, and another half-dozen thrilling games--for that colossal waste of time Ohio St.'s season-to-date has been? For South Florida's midseason back-to-back Florida Atlantic-Central Florida snack break? For the Big 12's endless series of Nebraska, Baylor, and Iowa St. beatdowns? The JCCW, for one, will gladly accept going from "possible mythical national title shot" to "unlikely mythical national title shot" in exchange for the week-in, week-out Shakespearean-quality drama the SEC and the SEC alone provides. We have it better than fans of any other conference in the country, without argument, and whether or not one of our own happens to parachute into the Fake Sugar Bowl this January won't do a thing to change that.

Of course the system needs an overhaul. We've known that for years. It's just not reason enough to start gnashing our collective teeth in the middle of the most exciting regular season, SEC or nationally, I for one can recall.

On with the ballot!

1. LSU. Looked like someone forgot to refill the gas tank on the (in the words of SMQ) high-octane, two-stroke genitals after the Florida game. No matter, as far as this poll is concerned; array of victories still much better than Carolina's or their recent conquerors.

2. South Carolina. Something tells me Carolina isn't really quite the second-best team in this conference and that we'll find that out as they enter the poisonous meat of their SEC East slate, but then again that same something told me to keep Kentucky, like, sixth two weeks ago. It's not a something to be trusted.

3. Kentucky. That they did it without Little is the most amazing thing of all. Wait, except for holding LSU's line to zero sacks. That's not even amazing ... that's beyond it, like, finding out that unicorns are real, and that their horn keeps a store of Jim Beam inside or something.

4. Florida. Come back from Lexington with a win, or into the muddled middle you go, likely never to return. If this team is as good as they appeared to be those first few weeks, facing the exhausted (physically, mentally, emotionally ... and any other "-ally"'s you'd like to mention) 'Cats it's a mission they should accomplish.

5. Auburn. Oh, yes, I would so love to move them up over the team they beat. So, so tempting. But for all the good work done by Kansas St. and USF on Auburn's behalf, that loss to Miss. St. isn't really looking much more explicable, and the Gators don't have a loss even remotely comparable. A win this week, however, (however terribly unlikely said win is), and then ...

6. Tennessee. Still worth repeating: their two losses are on the road at Cal and Florida. Get past Alabama in T-town this week, and it's home cooking up until a potential division-decider against the 'Cats at year's end.

7. Georgia. Just as solidly mediocre as last year, evidently. The only difference is how much luckier they are, or it'd have been two-in-a-row to the 'Dores.

8. Alabama. The price of heart medication in Tuscaloosa has tripled over the last three weeks, and doesn't look likely to drop with the Vols coming to town. A must-win if 'Bama wants to be taken seriously in 2007.

9. Arkansas. Call me Nutts (har har har) but this team is going to beat someone it's not supposed to in a fashion no one sees coming. The karma of enduring three straight heartbreakers is going to pay off at some point ... just not soon enough to save Nutt's job.

10. Miss. St. Likeable program, always the bridesmaid save for the occasional lightning strike, looks like progress might be being made but who really knows ... if they got their academics totally up to snuff, why, they'd be the Vanderbilt of the West.

11. Vandy. In the meantime, the title "Vandy of the East" is still firmly controlled by Vandy. Remember when Phil Steele said Vandy was going to be better than Kentucky? Remember when some of us believed him? Remember how I told you to never bet on any advice I have to offer?

12. Ole Miss. If they'd taken Vandy as seriously as they took Florida, Georgia, and 'Bama, they'd have an SEC win by now.

What I care about

The timing could have been better. But I don't care about the 7 points Arkansas scored Saturday night.

What I care about is the 20 they didn't. I don't care about the 43 yards Darren McFadden gained against the Auburn defense; I care about the other 127, playing at home in a must-win game in every possible sense of the term, he did not. I don't care about Felix Jones's 10-yard and 17-yard runs on the Hogs' touchdown drive; I care about the 74-yard second-quarter touchdown run he never made, the 35-yard third-quarter backbreaker that would have given the crippled Arkansas offense just enough confidence to breathe. I don't care that Casey Dick finally threw a touchdown pass; I care that he put the ball in the air 25 other times and still got less than 98 yards out of it.

I care deeply, deeply about those things because only the most insular and jaded (or "National Championship or bust!"-delusional) of Auburn fans could deny that we are watching one of the more--if not the most--phenomenal Tiger defenses of recent history, a throwback to the Rocker-and-Bruce-and-Benji Roland-and Craig-Ogletree '80s nightmares that powered Dye's best teams.

Obviously the '07 Tigers--even after a three-game stretch in which they allowed only 31 points combined--aren't quite the 1988 Destroyers of Worlds and they certainly don't have that kind of All-American star power. Yes, when Blackmon regained his eligibility in July I wrote that "the next great Auburn defense" might be on its way, predicated on the fearmongering talents of studs like Blackmon and Groves and the budding Savage. But those talents have either been laid waste by injury or selfishness (both, I suppose, in Groves' case), and that makes what the Auburn D is doing right now even more memorable, because they're not doing it with talent. What are they doing it with instead?

They're doing it with coaching. Muschamp is just the latest evidence that whatever you think of Tubby's game-day motivation and preparation, he is nearly unparalelled in his ability to choose quality assistants. With his and his players' orientation year under their belts, Muschamp has both time and again put his Tigers in the correct position to make plays and lit the kind of fire in them necessary to make sure they make said plays. I suspect that the longer Muschamp patrols the Auburn sideline the more his hummingbird-on-his-third-espresso persona will lead to chuckles and cracks from the SEC peanut gallery, but if you were a college defender, would you rather play for a guy who taps you on the butt for a good play or the guy who leaps clear into your friggin' arms he's so uncontainably excited by your play?

Muschamp is a big reason Auburn is doing it with heart. Chris Evans wasn't even a scholarship player when he arrived at Auburn. All he has done is hold together the spit-and-bailing-wire Tiger linebacking crew nearly singlehandedly in the face of opponents like Tebow and McFadden. Pat Sims nearly left the team. He is now an unmovable rock in the center of the line. Zac Etheridge was supposed to spend a year learning behind Eric Brock. He beat out Brock, who could have sulked and instead has ensured Savage's absence has barely been noticed.

The list goes on: Josh Thompson. Craig Stevens. Pat Lee and Jae Wilhite. Antonio Coleman and Antoine Carter. Sen'Derrick Marks shouldn't really go on a list about "heart," since he offers more physical gifts than any Auburn starter from Saturday other than Blackmon, but he's been playing like his hair is on fire all season anyway, too.

I spent the first part of last Saturday at the Big House watching Michigan blast hapless Purdue, and one of the things you can't help but notice is just how much Wolverine fans care about Mike Hart. Whether it's the endless stream of "20" jerseys, Hart t-shirts, the cries of joy when he spun off the back of a defender and scored on what appeared to be a lost play, the cries of anguish when he left the game with a limp and appeared on the JumboTron grimacing as his ankle got the once-over.

It occurred to me that perhaps not since the outpouring of admiration and respect Auburn fans offered Campbell, Cadillac and Ronnie, and Borges in 2004 have we cared about our players or coaches in anything approaching the kind of fashion you see here in Ann Arbor regarding Hart. I know as an SEC fan I'm supposed to never admit envying anything about a Big 10 program under any circumstances, but yeah, I was jealous.

Then came Arkansas's 3rd-and-2 on the Auburn 45 in the first quarter, and McFadden, as I said just this week the best SEC running back in a decade, taking the pitch right. He gets strung out, cuts forward, and Thompson and Evans stone him in the hole as coldly as a stoning comes. No gain. Punt.

And it occurs to me that Auburn fans do have something to care that strongly about: this injury-ravaged, star-less, manic, gutty, madman-coached, Gator- and Hog-conquering remarkable defense. They may not be able to pull out a win in the cauldron of Baton Rouge. But I have no doubt that the defense of Will Muschamp and Chris Evans and Pat Sims is going to give us a reason to applaud, a reason to hold our hearts in our throat, a reason to care for our Tigers in a way four short weeks ago we never thought we would in 2007. God bless them.

Other thoughts from Saturday:

--Auburn is now 2-0 halfway through our murderous four-game road slate. That's 14 out of 15 road wins for Tubby. Patently unbelievable.

--Tubby might not have been overflowing in compliments for his team afterward, but this wasn't as close a game down-to-down as the score indicated. Auburn outgained the Hogs by nearly a hundred yards, 290-193, fumbled inside the 10, missed two makeable field goals, and handed the Hogs dozens of yards in field position with uncharacteristically crappy punts. Auburn was, without question, the better team. To be the unquestionably better team on the road against a quality team scratching for its season's life (remember, a claim outgained Kentucky couldn't even begin to make following their visit to Fayetteville), particularly on a night when Auburn couldn't pass its way out of a wet paper bag, is a very, very encouraging sign. Speaking of said paper bags ...

--He didn't throw a pick, seemed fairly aware in the pocket (one sack!), and of course led yet another game-winning drive (again: someone please brainwash Cox into thinking it's the last drive of the fourth quarter and Auburn's tied or trailing on every drive. Yes, he'll be confused and angry if Auburn faces 4th-and-long early in the drive and sends the punt unit out, but what are the odds that happens if Cox really is trying to lead a two-minute drill?), so it's not fair to say that Evil Brandon made an appearance this game. But geez, the Auburn passing game nonetheless finished up averaging a Notre Dame-esque 4.4 yards an attempt, and that's after it gained 30 yards on its final attempt of the evening. (Before then? 12-22, 71 yards, 3.2 an attempt. Ugh.) I wrote this week that expecting the Auburn offense to continue its dreamlike efficiency from the Florida and Vandy outings was to ask for disappointment, but obviously it would have been nice to not see it plummet off the statistical cliff quite so dramatically. Some blame here has to go to the Auburn receivers, who regressed to their weeks 2/3 "Make plays? Us? No, sorry, you want the units on the other side of the ball" shirking of responsibility.

--Fumbling is officially an Auburn running back problem, not a problem of any particular Auburn running back. Someone tell them that the tub the ACME salesman left on the sidelines was axle grease, not glue.

--When I wrote (again, from the RazorbackExpat Q n' A) that "if Wes Byrum has the opportunity to kick a game-winning field goal, Wes Byrum is going to kick a game-winning field goal, by damn," I didn't realize he would be quite so intent he would miss other field goals to set up said game-winner. I appreciate you going the extra mile to make me look prophetic, Wes (given this blog's track record, moreso than most bloggers would, in fact), but next time, just don't sweat it and go ahead and make the earlier kicks. Thanks.

--What's with Scarbinsky claiming the LSU-UK result gave Auburn "an opportunity" it "took advantage" of? After the UK win, an Auburn win Saturday meant the Tigers would be in control of their own destiny in the West. But an Auburn loss meant the Tigers ... would still be in control of their own destiny in the West. (The only set of results that would have meant otherwise was an LSU win and an Auburn loss.) Unless Auburn follows up with a second win over LSU this week, the only thing the LSU loss did for Auburn was to piss LSU off. I hardly think Tubby was celebrating when he heard the news. (Also? If columnists are going to insist on writing one-sentence paragraphs in their columns, is it really too much to ask them that those sentences be, well, complete sentences and not half-assed fragments? Are "To lose the game" or "Combined" really acceptable to use as complete, stand-alone paragraphs? I dunno, maybe it's just me, but somewhere my second-grade grammar teacher is circling Scarbinsky's column in red pen and Ms. Thrasher, I'm somewhere over here nodding in agreement.)

--The same team that lost to Miss. St at home is 60 minutes away (60 incredibly difficult minutes by the end of which Cox will likely be chewed up and spit out, but still) from taking a two-game lead over the West frontrunners in the division race. I know everyone's been saying this season is insane, but has anyone's season been more pleasantly insane to date than Auburn's?

Wish List: Arkansas

More of this, please.

True fact: Auburn record before I started writing Wish Lists: 1-2. Auburn record since: 3-0. Of course, I don't want to take all the credit. Tommy Tuberville has done a fine, fine job these last few weeks. He can have some, too.

One wish for the team as a whole before offense/defense-specific ones ...

1. That Auburn simply keeps the gravy train rollin'. Looking back at our previous surprise beatdowns this decade at the hands of the Hogs, I made a surprising discovery. (Well, surprising to me. But a lot of things are. 42 cents for a stamp? When the hell did that happen?!?)I sort of hazily recalled that this year's potential scenario--early loss, huge win over Vandy gets team overconfident, Arkansas runs for a yardage total so embarrassing the coaches mothers won't speak to them afterwards and wins by a bajillion--had been what led to the other routs, but it turns out Auburn hadn't really been so impressive the week prior in any of the three cases:

1. 2001: W, vs. La. Tech, 48-41 (OT) -- 42-17 L to Hogs
2. 2002: W, vs. Syracuse, 37-34 (OT again) -- 38-17 L to Hogs
3. 2006: W, vs. South Carolina, 24-17 -- 27-10 L to Hogs

Which makes me wonder: Looking back, why on earth did any of those Arkansas "upsets" come as so much of a shock? Sure, we'd gotten some huge wins early in each of those seasons (2002 somewhat excluded, though they had taken both Vandy and Miss. St. to the woodshed), but clearly the implosions vs. the Hogs were simple continuations of the somewhere-well-south-of-dominant performances the week before. (I was there in person for both the La. Tech and 'Cuse games, and I still remember them clearly enough to assure you those teams were, to put it politely, complete garbage. The Carolina game last year was a little better, but our low-fat shredded defense found salvation solely through the generosity of Tubby's daring onsides kickeration.)

So, if Auburn's merely continued sucking was to blame for those earlier catastrophes, it stands to reason that continued success could be responsible for a solid W today, right? That's all I ask, Auburn--just keep the foot on the gas pedal. Easier said than done, I know, but the history here suggests that however close said pedal is to the floor entering the Arkansas game is where it stays, so I'm not asking that much, am I?

When Auburn has the ball

2. That Dunlap plays like a man. Your name is King Dunlap. You are a senior, our only one of consequence. You have NFL talent, NFL size. And yet you have been benched, hurt, ridiculed, and forgotten as a whole gaggle of fresh-faced kids who still get excited when they order their own delivery pizza have made you look, well, extraneous. Unnecessary. An insurance policy.

But there's been another injury and now you're back. If you have any pride, if you are the sort of lineman I still think you can be and which Auburn needs you to be, you are going to come out and show us today how short-sighted that viewpoint is. And if you don't--if you don't seize this opportunity by its vulnerable throat and make someone pay for what's happened to you thus far this season--you will deserve your future spot back on the sideline.

3. That they still get Tate his touches. Oh, I'm still looking for Lester any time Auburn gets inside the 30. All those beautiful touchdown-to-carry ratios he's built the last two seasons haven't been by accident. But Tate, it's looked to me, has blossomed into a bona fide hoss these last two weeks: running harder, hitting the hole quicker, fighting for yards when he could glide out of bounds. A reward is in order, particularly if said progression, thus encouraged, continues.

4. That they FREE KODI BURNS. Seriously, I'm about two weeks away from printing up t-shirts. If you're going to use him at all, let him do more than plow forward for three yards and hand off.

When Arkansas has the ball

5. That they don't allow the home-run run. Arkansas's kind of unusual in that when they're looking for a big play, they don't throw the ball. Particularly now that Marcus Monk is still in his recovery monastery (I know I used that same line in the Q n' A, but let's see you come up with a whole repertoire of monk-related jokes), Arkansas's going to look to the passing game for a quick 15-yard play-action pass or a quick five-yard hitch, just to keep the chains moving. For long-ball purposes, though, they're going to hand off to Thing 1 and Thing 2 in the backfield, who while lacking many characteristics of the Dr. Seuss characters of the same name do share an ability to cause unbridled chaos and fear an are similarly not of the human species.

The one on the right is McFadden.

They're going to get theirs, but if Auburn can at least not give up the 70-yard ground-bombs that have plagued them throughout this series this decade, the more opportunities they'll give themselves to force a Casey Dick mistake or luck into a first-down TFL to stop a drive.

And for God's sake, Auburn, don't give up a kick return for TD. Our offense is playing well, but it isn't Kentucky's. There's no hope of keeping up if the Hogs don't even have to take a snap to score.

6. That Wilhite, Powers, and Lee play smart. Forget zone, forget safety help. Etheridge, Brock, and McNeil have more important Thing 1 and Thing 2-related things to do than double-cover Arkansas's third-string wideouts. The corners are going to be out on that proverbial one-on-one island, where instead of pineapples they grow game-changing plays, for one team or the other. The Hogs don't have the QB or the receivers to test Auburn's corners repeatedly, but when they do, they'd better be ready.

Win this one, Auburn, and we all eat for one glorious week at the cotton candy dream machine. Let's go. War Eagle.

The Works, Off With Her Head-style

SHUT UP, BITCH!

Sorry for the profanity, I really am. But let's see you read this remarkable story at the War Eagle Reader from the Reid McMilion 1993 game and not come away fired up to lay down your own bit of sassmouth on the nearest sash-wearer. Money quotes:

"The turning point came when we had been berated the entire first half by the Arkansas homecoming queen — yep, we were so bad in ’92, we were picked as homecoming — and finally defensive back Otis Mounds had had enough," Atkins said ... "He turned around to the young lady – decked out in a fur coat and tiara – and yelled at her in the third quarter ‘Shut up, bitch.’ Now, that is what made the whole sideline pickup and we won the game."

Hells to the yeah. By the way, this is yet another example of why--not to sound too much like a 1980s' dishwashing detergent commercial, or something--if you're not reading TWER, you're not reading the Auburn blogosphere. Excellent wrap-up of the Vandy game there as well including some thoughts on the 1957 national champs reunion, which I idiotically forgot to mention.

One quibble: J. Henderson plays a little bit of "What if?" at post's end about the USF game and the Crooming, and in my very humble opinion we as Auburn fans can't get caught up in that temptation, crazy tempting as it is. For two reasons:

1. We were so frickin' overdue to lose a couple of close games. As pointed out ad nauseum on this site, going 6-0 in close games one year means you'd better win decisively the next. Auburn didn't, that's what happens. Would I be willing to trade those razor's edge victories in 2006 for ones earlier this season? The Nebraska one, maybe, but none of the others.

2. If anything is keeping Auburn's feet on the ground right now as we head off to Fayetteville, it's the endless reams of "These guys totally suck" newsprint and blogprint that hit after MSU game. If that anchor of anger wasn't there, I'd feel even more confident this was 2002 all over again. (There's also the rather surprising fact that the 0-2 SEC team is getting three points on the 2-1 SEC team with the incredible road track record and the win over Florida, a fact I have precisely zero doubt has been mentioned more than once this week in the Auburn locker room. Thanks, Vegas.)

The coin's flip side. Wonderfully-named Arkansas columnist institution Wally Hall provides 10 reasons Arkansas could win this game, and while I don't buy all of them--Casey Dick's passing game isn't going to "click in a big game" until Monk gets back--but No.2 (D-Mac) and No. 1 (Felix Jones) are really all the reasons the Hogs need. Especially when 0-3 in the SEC and the surefire firing of their coach are on the line. As has been said elsewhere, the Hogs are all in this week.

Accuracy, please. Snatched off the useful Best of SEC newswire is this piece of fluff from MSNBC. On the balance I agree that the SEC is still the nation's best conference, blah blah blah. But honestly? I think the league might have been a bit overrated entering this season. LSU is all that and a bag of cajun-style potato chips, of course, Florida is a worthy No. 2 as anyone who saw their slugfest last Saturday would attest, and if this were a chessboard South Carolina would make a fine bishop alongside LSU's queen and Florida's, like, almost-queen ... but who else? Kentucky is not a contender until they start allowing less than 12 yards a carry. Auburn has potential, obviously, but could likely lose to a Sun Belt team if they put their mind (not) to it. Tennessee rolled over and died in Gainesville, but are apparently still light years better than the toothless Dawgs, themselves road winners over the reeling Tide. MSNBC guy touts the number of SEC teams in the top 25, but I'm not sure even in this insane season more than those top 3 belong in the top 20. I hope I'm wrong. We'll see.

Second, bigger gripe: MSNBC guy writes that "South Florida whipped Auburn at Auburn." Whipped? That game went into overtime, jerkface, and the yardage totals, while not in Auburn's favor, weren't exactly one-sided. But why just say "beat" or "defeated" when you can go for something wholly inaccurate but still, dude, way cooler-sounding? This is a problem all over the place in college football writing; witness the reliable, reasonable OTS at RollBamaRoll writing this week that Miss. St. "squeak(ed) by" UAB. I know the Blazers led by a slim margin entering the fourth quarter, but still, that game finished 30-13. 17 points, only the final 7 of them coming via turnover really equals a squeaker? The JCCW is probably not innocent of this sort of exaggeration, either, mind you, but this sneaky, creeping tendency to describe games in terms based on the context the result is being placed in (i.e. the SEC isn't perfect, so Auburn got "whipped", MSU isn't going to beat UT, so they "squeaked" past UAB) rather than the result itself needs to be weeded out.

Stereotype confirmed. SEC fans, want to feel superior about the intensity of our crowds and gameday experience while simultaneously having your suspicions as to the milquetoast climate at Big 10 games scientifically verified? Have a look see at this letter from a Michigan fan exposed with snappy malice at MGo. If I hadn't seen these types of fans at the Big House with my own two eyes, I'd be tempted to think this was a parody, so thoroughly crotchety, ornery, and generally "Stay out of my yard, you damn kids!" that letter is.

Also worth checking: Braves and Birds lays into the ESPN brand of intangible analysis (look also for an insightful comment from LD of Gunslingers fame); Jay G. Tate reports that you may want to hold off on wishing Patrick Trahan well on his road to academic recovery; USC fan Jonathan Tu on Stanford's heroic backup QB: "earnest young lesbian ceramics associate professor"; and finally, please read occasional JCCW commenter PhillipVU94's Vandy blog Save the Shield, which I meant to point you towards earlier this week and, honest to God, got my Vandy blogs with two S-words in the title mixed up. Apologies to Phillip.

Wish List possibly later today, more likely first thing tomorrow a.m.

Keeping Your Enemies Closer: Q n' A with Razorback Expats

So early this week I get an e-mail from John, one of the guys behind the sharp-as-a-tack Arkansas blog Razorback Expats, wondering if I'd like to do one of those newfangled Q n'A exchanges the hip kids are always going on about. Seeing as I'm currently rocking the ex-pat status myself and that we ex-pats have to stick together--though in spirit, mostly, not actual physical proximity, since being flung around all over the place is kind of, you know, the definition of the term--I agreed.

So here's the 10 questions the JCCW sent John's way and the solid-gold answers that came hurtling back. Q's in bold, A's in quotation marks. My 10 A's to their Q's should be along at their place soon UPDATE: are available here.

Without further ado ...

1. Look, we know how this is going to end. Auburn is red-hot and looking like what an SEC contender would look like if not for the whole LSU thing. Arkansas slogged their way past I-AA also-ran UT-Chattanooga and the hourglass looks just a few grains from empty on Nutt's ninth and final life. So McFadden's about to break loose for 493 yards, eight TD's and Auburn will lose to the Hogs by about 60 points as usual. Why do you think this scenario has played out so many times and is there any reason it won't play out again?

"I think I know what you’re going for here … the reverse jinx, right? A very tricky move, but I won’t fall for it! Our best player has bruised ribs, our three best receivers are all out, our QB’s confidence is shot, our defense is leaky, our coaching staff is in turmoil and the fans might storm the field (in a bad way) the first time we run it up the middle for 2 yards on a 3rd and 8. So, I’m sure you guys will do just fine. (trying a little reverse jinx of my own here)." (Why, I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never heard of such an idea. I am shocked--shocked!--to find gambling in this establishment.--ed.)

2. Assuming the outcome isn't perhaps completely pre-ordained, what single non-McFadden Hog's performance is most critical to your team's chances?

"I have to go with the obvious answer here and say Casey Dick. It’s the story of our whole season, really: Hog fans (and coaches) are learning the hard way that even if you have two legendary running backs you’re not going to win a lot of games in the SEC if you can’t at least occasionally complete a forward pass. Now that the initial shock of our floundering season has worn off, I’m considering it a grand experiment in offensive (pun alert!) football. Perhaps a grad student will write a paper about it someday.

Anyway, if Casey can hit a few throws down the field to keep the defense semi-honest (and it is possible…he actually does have his moments) we’ll be in pretty good shape.

Beyond Casey Dick I would say our entire secondary … we’ve had almost as much trouble stopping other teams from completing passes as we’ve had completing them ourselves.

Unfortunately it’s probably too late this season for the NCAA to change college football to a 7-on-7 game where passing is completely against the rules … otherwise we’d be hands-down favorites to win the national championship."

3. You guys' team inexplicably churns out overpowering offensive lines year after year (or, at least, lines that overpower Auburn year after year) despite the fact your coaching staff, no offense, sometimes seems better suited to churning out Blizzards at the local DQ. Who's the anchor on the 2007 o-line and is McFadden and Jones' continued ability to crank out the yardage the first several games because that line is good again, or just because the both of them are superhumans?

"Our center, Jonathan Luigs, is definitely a stud … I’ll even overlook the fact that on the first play of the UT-Chattanooga game last weekend he snapped the ball into the endzone for a safety. And our offensive line in general is solid … they certainly have plenty of run blocking experience by now.

The key fact, though, is that McFadden and Jones are indeed superhumans. You could probably line up five SEC bloggers in front of them and they’d still run for 100 yards each. But they’d surely be a lot more sore after the game …"

4. Putting aside your personal take on the matter, according to your tea leaves is it still possible at all that Nutt can still save his job? Is there any way he loses to Auburn and still saves his job?

"Short answer: no. Longer answer: hell no. I mean, I suppose there’s a one in a million shot that Arkansas will win out, that all the other SEC West teams will take turns beating each other, and that we’ll somehow wind up in the SEC Championship game and win it. Wait, did I say one in a million? Let me change that to one in a billion.

When the history of the Houston Nutt era is written, I think people will look back on this year’s Kentucky game as the straw that broke the camel’s back. If we beat Auburn, that might make people settle down for a short time but I don’t think it will stop the bleeding. If we lose to you guys, that will be five straight SEC losses and will only make things worse, obviously. If we follow that up with a defeat at Ole Miss then the National Guard will probably be called in to airlift Nutt and his family to safety somewhere far, far from Fayetteville.

Just for the record, I’m not a Nutt hater. I mean, like everyone else I think the Hogs would be better off changing coaches (after the season … not during the season or during a game as some would say) but I think the situation is a lot more complex than his more rabid detractors care to admit. For one, he really revived the Razorbacks’ sinking program when he started in 1998, and the Hogs have had some great moments under him. But lately it seems obvious that he’s run his course at Arkansas. More than anything I just feel kind of sad that it’s come to this point … a brutally ugly end seems inevitable."

5. It won't surprise you to learn that the terror of McFadden has me waking up in the middle of the night sweating, to use a time-honored phrase, like a whore on Pentecost. Particularly now that Quentin Groves' reign of horror is sidelined for this week, is there any Auburn player you live in fear of? If not, is there one broader aspect of Auburn's team / stratagems / uniform idiosyncrasies / etc. that does worry you?

"I’m particularly concerned that your coaching staff might deduce (and I hope I’m not giving away any secrets here) that the Hogs will likely run a lot more than they’ll pass, and will thus load up in the box to stifle our attack. Call me crazy, but if they watch enough game film they might figure that one out.

Seriously though, I know you guys have had a lot of injuries, but your defense is always so strong, and I worry that any team that could make the Almighty Tim Tebow (note: sarcasm) look mortal might do really bad things to poor Casey Dick.

One specific player I want to single out is Rodgeriqus Smith. Not that I necessarily live in fear of him (he did make some nice catches against Florida, though) but I just wanted to mention that name. Awesome."

6. D-Mac tosses you the keys to his ride and tells you
to just get it back to him two weeks later in one piece. Where do you go? Who do you take with you? What do you listen to? (And why, of course.)

"Wow, awesome question. It’s funny you should mention it, because D-Mac and I are actually good buddies and he loans me his car all the time.

In this case, Stephen (my fellow Razorback Expat blogger) and I will take the keys right after Thanksgiving dinner. We’ll pick up ex-Hog hoopsters Corliss Williamson, Scotty Thurman and Dwight Stewart and will drive through the night to Baton Rouge, where we’ll commence tailgating in the thick of the LSU fans (who will be rendered speechless by the power and beauty of the car). We then head into the game and watch the Hogs pull off a 44-42 upset for the ages; a win that somehow puts us in the SEC Championship game.

Next, we road trip over to Atlanta for the championship, where we watch the Razorbacks rout Florida, 59-6. Tebow is seen sobbing on the sidelines as early as the 2nd quarter. Finally, we turn northward and head up to NYC to watch D-Mac collect his Heisman from our front row seats. Then we hand back the keys and fly (first class) back to our homes.

During the trip we’ll mostly listen to the play-by-play audio from the Hogs greatest basketball games of the Corliss/Scotty/Dwight era, with an occasional mix of Pavement, the Beatles and circa-1993 Snoop to keep things fresh."

7. Any chance Marcus Monk pulls a surprise return from his recovery monastery and redacts his vow of 2007 silence this week? If not, who is Casey Dick going to be ... well, not passing to so much, but throwing in the generalish direction of most often?

"I would love to be wrong here, but it seems like there’s no way he’ll be back. Our trainer, Dean Weber, apparently has the rare gift of actually making injuries get worse as they go … first we heard that it was a routine injury and that Monk would be fine after the surgery. Then we heard he needed a second surgery. Now we’re hearing that it could be a microfracture injury that would knock him out for the season and beyond. For his own sake, I just hope he gets better eventually and is able to have a decent NFL career.

Monk is a great receiver, but after him we are REALLY thin at that position, and making things worse is the fact that the next best guys on the depth chart, Ben Cleveland, Crosby Tuck and Robert Johnson, are also hurt. Nobody will mistake Casey Dick for Joe Montana, but he certainly doesn’t have a lot of arrows in his quiver at this point.

To answer your question about where Casey will be throwing it, I’ll say (in order):

1. an empty spot on the field five yards in front of the intended receiver
2. an empty spot on the field five yards behind the intended receiver
3. the Auburn defensive backs"

8. Someone--the guy who flies banners over stadiums, whoever he is--decides he's going to let you fly a banner over the stadium Saturday for free. You can put any ol' message you want on it. What do you put on the banner? (and while we're here, what's your take on last Saturday's actual banner?)

"How about 'Visit www.razorbackexpats.com' … or maybe to really get the fans on our side, 'Houston Nutt hates www.razorbackexpats.com'. Either way, I suddenly feel drunk with power.

About the banner, I think it’s totally ridiculous and embarrassing. The state gets enough of a bad rap (occasionally deserved – our previous governor lived in a triple wide trailer for some time while in office) without stunts like this. To me, if you ever find yourself in a position where you’re actively raising money to fund an anti-coach banner to be flown over the stadium of your favorite team, you really need to reexamine your priorities in life and maybe get some new hobbies. For some slightly more eloquent thoughts on this, check out my recent post on the subject."

9. Does it tick you off that your defensive coordinator sent his own son (Adam Herring) to go play linebacker at Auburn? I mean, not even just not Arkansas, but an SEC West division rival? 'Cause if Billy Borges (note: not a real person) wound up playing QB for LSU, I'd be pretty steamed, I can tell you that.

"Not really … would you want your son to play for Reggie Herring? (OHHHHH SNAP!--ed.) Ha. Just kidding, that was a cheap shot. I’m more bugged that you guys have at least a couple of contributors – Kodi Burns and Lee Ziemba who are Arkansas natives (unlike Adam Herring). Our state is small enough that we can’t afford to let any good players slip away like that.

About Herring, though, I’d be more upset if our defensive line coach Tracy Rocker sent his son to play for Auburn (hypothetically … his son is in elementary school), because he’d probably be a great player (although I suppose it’d be hard to blame him, given that Rocker and Auburn have a bit of a history together). Hey, does Rocker have any eligibility left? If so, would it be weird for him to suit up against his alma mater for a game?" (Honestly? It's kind of weird enough already. Thank goodness he did use up his eligibility, yes. Though supposedly he's applying or a medical redshirt--ed.)

10. The bottom line: what's the general mood in Hogtown approaching this game and do you find yourself more or less optimistic than the people in line with said general mood?

"The mood is dark. Ugly. Grim. Bitter. Wait, let me get my thesaurus … exorable. It’s not a happy time in Hogland. Our win against you guys last year kicked off a brief glory period that lasted roughly six weeks and now seems like about 10 years ago. Since then it’s been a steady downward spiral with three straight painful losses to end the year and two more to begin this season. That extremely lackluster win against UT-Chattanooga definitely didn’t make anybody feel better.

Of course, I live in California (the whole 'expat' thing) where, somewhat shockingly, Razorback football isn’t exactly watercooler topic #1, so I probably shouldn’t speak for the entire mood of the state. Who knows … it’s possible that there’s a hidden undercurrent of Houston Nutt love that will blossom for all to see this Saturday (but I doubt it).

Personally, I’ve started to make my peace with it all. The Alabama loss hurt pretty bad, but after awhile you get sort of numb (I reserve the right to change my tune here if we eke out another heartbreaking 4th quarter loss). I definitely am not super optimistic about the Auburn game (or more importantly, the rest of the season) but I will admit that the crazy fan in me is still holding out hope that we can pull off something like last year. That feeling will probably grow as we get closer to kickoff time, thus setting me up for the heartbreak mentioned earlier."

Wow, that's ... that's dark, yo. Have to say it's a testament to the cloud that enveloped this program this past off-season that a team that very easily could be 2-0 in the SEC right now (no last-second TD? no snake-eyes roughing the kicker call? That's all it would take) could inspire such pessimism, especially when facing a coach they've gone 4-4 against with repeated blowout upsets in situations very similar to Saturday's. I think there's hope ... but with all due respect to John, Ido fervently hope it doesn't get fulfilled this particular Saturday.

Major, major thanks again to John and Razorback Expats and the JCCW of course wishes the Hogs the best of luck come this weekend.

Power Poll ballot

Behold, the JCCW's SEC Power Poll ballot and snarky comments for this week:

1. LSU. There should be some sort of funeral ceremony for the YouTube clip of Miles calling that useless timeout against Tennessee a couple years back, because after LSU responded to getting punched in the mouth by punching back even harder, it's not relevant in discussions of Miles any longer.

2. Florida. Mel Kiper, your job is to start talking up Tebow and Harvin as No. 1 and No. 2 in the 2009 draft right now. Because I do not want those two around for two more full season, no sirree.

3. South Carolina. Gators going 0-2 vs. the West means the East is every bit as wide open as the 'Cocks could have hoped. Game vs. Florida looks like the SEC's next "Game of the Year of the Week."

4. Auburn. Mississippi State loss, Schmississippi Schmate schmoss. The demolition of Vandy and the only win in the league over the current top 3 (who I think have a bit of separation at this point) means they fall here. Until Saturday, anyway, when Arkansas delivers their annual bushwhacking.

5. Tennessee. Two losses are on the road to the No. 2 team in the country and a team that might very well be the actual second-best team in the country. Should maybe be ahead of Tigers since they don't have SEC loss #2 yet, but the "What did you do in the Swamp?" comparison keeps them here.

6. Kentucky. I suppose I was the only person who thought Kentucky actually played better vs. the 'Cocks than they expected. To outgain SC in Brice-Williams isn't easy. Trim the TO's from 4 to 2 and that's a performance that beats the rest of the teams on this list.

7. Georgia. Yikes. That Alabama win doesn't look quite so impressive now that Houston came within a play of doing the same thing, either.

8. Alabama. Apparently the Demon of Mediocrity Borges finally exorcised from Cox has settled in the soul of J.P. Wilson. Like Auburn in Weeks 2/3, if Wilson finds the answer the Tide will be right back in the thick of things. But it's a big if, particularly with Tide fans understandably starting to clamor for Greg "Who?" McElroy.

9. Arkansas. I should just go ahead and move them up preemptively. Good news, D-Mac: your Heisman campaign's about to get rebooted.

10. Miss. St. Bulldogs should maybe get more credit for beating the No. 4 team on this list and taking their only non-LSU loss in fashion no less respectable than Kentucky. Oh well. I just get the feeling they've already exhausted their upset quota for the season.

11. Vanderbilt. Too bad Curtis Nickson's arm fell off in the offseason.

12. Ole Miss. Hey: thumping La. Tech at least lets you say you're better than Hawaii.

The "real" Auburn

The B'ham News's Charles Goldberg titled his blog post in the wake of Auburn's 35-7 blitzkrieg of Vandy "Is this the real Auburn?"

Not to get all Foucault n' Derrida n' stuff on you, but yes, the Auburn that took the field Saturday and blasted a talented Vandy team clear back to Nashville was the real Auburn. But so was the team that fell behind 10-0 and then tossed away a win with special teams and defensive line fiascoes at home vs. Miss. St. That was the real Auburn. As was the team that defeated the (accurately-rated, if you ask me) No. 4 team in the country on the road. As was the team that turned it over five times and could easily have another three times at home vs. South Florida. These are all the real Auburns.

Because this has been Auburn football at its most quintessential, ever since Tubby's first three games at the Tigers' helm in 1999 saw his team beat Appalachian St. and Idaho by a combined 14 points and then turn around and obliterate LSU 41-7 in Baton Rouge. Auburn is a world-beater on the perpetual verge of nationwide domination; Auburn is a sheep in wolf's clothing on the perpetual verge of self-immolation. Both these halves are part of Auburn football at all times; every game the Tigers have played this season has been the "real" Auburn.

The point of all this rambling? That I 100%, wholeheartedly encourage Auburn fans to enjoy Saturday's demolition to its maximum extent. I don't want to sell short 35-7 SEC wins over anyone, particularly when they occur mere weeks after a 19-14 Crooming. But the best reason to enjoy it (aside from the ammo it gives us to fling in the Tide's general direction) is because there's precisely zero guarantee good times like these are going to last any longer than the seven days between last Saturday and this Saturday, when Auburn will be favored against a talented-but-wounded Arkansas team playing for its not insubstantial pride. Auburn could win by 20. They could lose by 30. And either result will be--and feel--just as real as this week's.

Not enough time this weekend (sorry) to spit out a recap, but here's a few choice bits from the JCCW's game-time notebook:

--Welcome back, Brad Lester. Like the fried catfish at the backwoods diner you return to on a trip to your hometown years later, you're just as good as we remembered.

The best part? That Lester's return seems to have sparked a preemptive response from Ben Tate, who ran with an authori-TAY that seems damn near night-and-day difference from his adequate but uninspiring plodding vs. Kansas St. Add in that Fannin seems to having tough-actin' Tinactin'd away that nasty rash of fumbling, and the AU tailback position finally appears to be the multi-headed, chain-moving, fear-inspiring Cerberus we expected in those halcyon days of July.

--Wes "Bad-Ass" Byrum kicked the ball out the back of the friggin' end zone from the 30. Four-year starters V****n and Bliss leave and Tubby simply replaces them with different, better four-year starters--at two of the singularly most difficult positions to recruit accurately. Unreal.

--How complete has Cox's resurgence been? He was even throwing on the run in the first half. Bring on the wing-ed pigs and Limbaugh's endorsement of Hillary '08, because clearly nothing's outside the realm of the possible now. That TD toss to Smith where he scrambled, for, like, longer than all his scrambles from 2006 combined? Swear on everything holy, right after that happens, I turn on the radio, and it's the Pope, and he's like "You know what? I was out at this bar last night and yeah, I'd had a few, and I get to talking to this girl and I guess she's pretty cute and all, and anyway, long story short, I think contraception maybe isn't such a bad idea after all." True story. (Yes, Evil Brandon resurfaced for a throw in the second half. Evil Brandon seems to surface much more often when the pressure's not on, so I'm not sweating it.)

--No one's going to accuse Robert Dunn of being "that fundamentally sound guy with the flypaper hands," so at least give him credit for so quickly developing a niche as "that guy who's skinnier than a tomato stake and still somehow breaks more tackles than video-game Jerome Bettis."

--On one hand, Vandy fans can be proud that Bobby Johnson coached like a man in the fourth quarter and went for TD's repeatedly instead of taking the coward's way out of shutout-spoilage with a field goal. On the other hand, where was that gumption when the 'Dores punted from Auburn's 35 on their opening possession? Of course it sailed into the end zone, of course the 'Dores gained a whopping 15 yards of field position out of it, and it wasn't so much "all downhill from there" as "all down the sheer side of K2 from there" for Vandy. Johnson seems like he has testicles; he shouldn't wait until the game is out of hand to apply them.

--Think it's noteworthy that not only was the Auburn D that toyed with the Vandy five-senior-returning-starters offensive line missing four starters, two of those starters were expected to be the two best players on the entire D this pre-season. The unofficial mascot of the Tiger defense must be the starfish; cut off Blackmon, and Chris Evans grows back in his place. Chop away Groves, and here's Antonio Coleman; lose Savage, and Zac Etheridge is ready to step in and play like the black Troy Polamalu. Muschamp's been phenomenal, obviously, but goodness Tubby got that cupboard so stocked it'd be a surprise if the door even closes ... assuming it was a real cupboard, I mean, and not a metaphorical cupboard filled with football players.

--Pick the preseason All-SEC third-team QB! Quarterback A: 14-17, 165 yds., 1 TD. Quarterback B: 5-16, 38 yds., 0 TD. Why, it's B, of course! I was a tad worried about Nickson karmically heating up after I nicknamed his arm "Dr. Misfire" Friday, but I think that's probably a much nicer thing to say about his arm than what I'm sure Vandy fans were saying. He was capital-B Brutal out there, and if I'm a 'Dore fan I'm seriously worried about why Nickson's improvement in the second half from last season has so entirely dissolved.

--Maybe, perhaps, I should hold off on making this kind of pronouncement. But really, I don't think it's too soon to call this no less than the greatest single class of offensive linemen ever recruited in the history of college football. (Of course, this optimism gets tempered a bit by the BOSLEY NOOOOOOOOOOOO! development, particularly if BOSLEY NOOOOOOOOOOOO! stretches into the end of the season.)

--I was remiss last week in not pointing you towards two excellent Vandy blogs out there, the Vandy Sports Line and Star and Stripe, both of which would probably have preferred I mentioned them before they had to start breaking down the wreckage of last Saturday. (For the record, as Vandy will never accept the slap-in-the-face of becoming a conference member in everything-but-football, as Will proposes, and they're too productive a member in other sports and of course on the academic front to let go, they're not going anywhere. Meaning the long tradition of the popular "Who should replace Vandy?" parlor game amongst fans of other SEC teams will continue unabated for the foreseeable future. I'm good with that.)

--If Tubby pulls even 9 wins out of this bunch--not likely, I wouldn't say, but given how winnable both ends of the Amen Corner looked last weekend, not a complete impossibility, either--it's going to make that 11-win season last year look like something L'Orgeron could have produced.

--Lastly, I was reminded of something important while watching the Lincoln broadcast: YOU ALWAYS WIN WITH DAUGHTRY.

YOU ALWAYS WIN WITH DAUGHTRY!

Wish List: Vanderbilt

This image selected to remind you both of what Auburn overcame to beat Florida and what our last several early-Saturday games have been like.

A few assorted links before this week's Wish List:

--Not even remotely new to anyone, but after repeatedly taking Ryan Ferguson to task for his anti-Cox comments I should probably acknowledge his gracious, classy, intelligent post in the wake of the football gods' decision to award Auburn sole, full custody of the Gators last Saturday (we'll see this weekend if LSU gets visitation rights). Gracious enough, in fact, that despite every impulse to the contrary I'm going to just gloss over his gripe that the officiating was "one-sided". Even if doing so makes my eye twitch.

(And oh, as for a certain colleague of Ferguson's at O&BH whose take on Auburn came in for a well-deserved flogging here and elsewhere, the deluded rants of sub-message-board clowns who call an offensive line that just got finished shoving his team around all over the field "inept" aren't worth dignifying with a response (or a link). You won't see him referred to in this space again.)

--Between their classic Teagle photoshops and Bryant cartoon violence post, it's relatively safe to say that no other blog devoted to a team outside the SEC gets as much attention from the state of Alabama as the MZone. Which probably explains why they took the time this week to point out the stupidest Auburn t-shirt ever printed and played host to the funniest comment yet on the coaching rumors du jour: "Miles to Mich, Tuberville to aTm, Petrino to LSU, Barfield to Auburn." Sweet.

I was going to post a picture of Barfield with the ironic caption "Auburn's next coach?" But a Google image search for "doug barfield auburn" turned up no pictures of Barfield. It did turn up this guy. I think he might have made a better coach.

--You have to read Will's beautiful excoriation of Ray Melick's indefensible pandering to King Crimson. I have no doubt that Melick's brand of "protection" is something that happens on a regular basis with media on both sides of the state, but it's something that you better damn well not get caught doing and if you are, goodness gracious you better have a better excuse than "Well, it turns I am his personal lapdog after all." Melick's credibility with Auburn fans--like the temperature of his buddy "Nick"'s cold, cold heart--is now officially somewhere well, well below zero.

--I screwed up by forgetting my SEC Power Poll ballot this week, so I didn't get the plaudits from one and all I would've gotten for ranking Kentucky about sixth and boldly predicting last night's defeat. (Well, I would have gotten them from our cat. I told her.) So I'd better go ahead and say that I don't think Florida's going to beat LSU tomorrow night--but it's going to be a down-to-the-wire, decided-by-a-field-goal type game. Meyer will have the Gators ready.

On with the Wish List, starting with two for the whole team:

1. That they set their alarm clocks correctly or don't tear the club up the night before or just do whatever the hell is the opposite of what they've been doing before 11:30 a.m. kickoffs. Seriously ... the last four early "starts" for Auburn have resulted in 1) Croomage 2) the Cotton Bowl, a surefire ESPY nominee for "Dog-Ugliest Win" if they hadn't decided to skip that category 3) the Georgia beatdown, just the thought of which makes me want a drink in my hand NOW 4) The Arkansas beatdown MAKE IT A DOUBLE. You also don't have to go to far back to the Capital One Bowl fiasco, yet another suspiciously hangover-esque performance.

I have no even halfway plausible explanation for why the team seems so utterly ill-prepared for early kickoffs--and at home for three of them, no less, ruling out a team-wide SpectraVision addiction--and thus no real recommendation for fixing it. I just know they better, because this game scares the ... well, a whole variety of substances out of me. So I also wish ...

2. That they share that terror. Think about it: all the youngest team in the league and almost the whole daggum country has heard all week long, from every angle, is some variation on You ... are so ... AWESOME.

I worry that the Tigers are going to get up Saturday, see Vandy on the schedule, and just want to make an omelette ... and suddenly realize that Vandy has them squeezed so tight they can't even do that.


The chances of Auburn fans saying "This .. is not ... awesome" at some point during Saturday's game are quite, quite good.

You would think that the Miss. St. game would have cured them of that, but again: this team is younger than youngerson. This is the first time they've really been praised all season. Our coaching staff has never shown the ability to get their team properly focused on the alleged lightweights of the schedule, even when--like Vandy--they punch well above their weight. If the Tigers don't have the proper fear and respect for a Vandy team that may be a little underrated at the oment thanks to Nickson's no-show against the Tide and all the Kentucky fawning, this will be a win streak truly built too small.

When Auburn has the ball.

3. That the brain trust lets Kodi pass. Whatever the headline writers at the B'ham News might have to say about it, Burns isn't 2006 Tebow yet by a longshot. For starters, he's used even more sparingly--six snaps the other night, zero meaningful ones vs. NMSU after Cox had been reinstated. If Auburn really wants opposing DC's on their toes the week before, they'll need to use Burns a bit more often. The Florida TD notwithstanding, he's more like a trick play opponents know is in the bag at this point than an actual weapon.

Or at least he would be if there was any trickiness to him. Every snap against Florida was some variation on the Incredibly Surprising Quarterback Draw--even on the lateral from Cox he was supposed to do the running on rather than pass / hand-off / do anything unexpected. If Auburn wants the WunderTime effect as badly as they seem to, they need to let Burns do some of the things Tebow did last year: play-action pass, pitch on the option, weird gadgetry like maybe the lateral from Cox ... followed by a step forward to draw the D, then a retreat and toss? Not that play exactly, necessarily, but why not something like it? Run it once, and every time Burns steps on the field again, the D gets that same nervousness that made WunderTim such a handful last season. If Tubby's going to torch Burns's redshirt, let's get all we can out of him.

4. That Borges doesn't go nuts with Cox. Yes, Brandon finally looked like the real-life quarterback we all remembered in sepia tones from 2005. Now that he can do so without feeling like disaster's waiting to strike every time he asks for a passp lay, Borges must surely be tempted to start winging it around again. But it's Cox's lackluster performances in these disappointing g-a.m.-es (so, so clever I am) that have been much of the catalyst. Not that it takes some sort of football savant to say "Establish the run," but given Lester's return and that the Tide--the only real opponent Vandy has played to date--gashed the 'Dores on the ground like whoah, Auburn really should make sure they establish the run.

When Vandy has the ball.

5. That Coleman and Carter stay stout vs. the run. Hopefully Groves's replacements were paying closer attention when Quentin was playing fundamentally sound against Florida rather than when he was on his whole "Hey, I know they might run right in the space I'm going to create by pell-mell to the QB in pursuit of a meaningless record, but you guys can cover for me, right?" kick. 2nd- and 3rd-and-long where Nickson and his scattershot arm (I call him "Dr. Misfire") have to think pass first are bad for Vandy. 2nd- and 3rd-and-short where Nickson can hand off or run it himself or throw short to Bennett or air it out deep for, uh, Bennett are much, much better. With Marks o nthe other side, the new DEs are going to be run at and it's up to them to stand up vs. Vandy's impressive-looking five-seniors offensive line to make sure those 2nd- and 3rd-and-shorts don't happen.

6. That Blackmon feels better. Auburn's D did a fantastic job of not breaking after bending a bit vs. Florida, but if Blackmon's back to his wrecking-ball-made-of-evil ways, methinks Auburn doesn't even bend. Hopefully we'll get some indications this week that that Blackmon will return to us soon to replace the meek (by his standards) impostor we saw last Saturday.

What Auburn wants

So by now you've almost assuredly read the Sporting News's Tom Dienhart's take on Franchione's little "Bits for Big Boosters" scam. (I hope he was offering it from the inside of a trenchcoat on a sidewalk muttering "Hey Buddy ... wanna buy some injury information on Yemi Babalolo?" like the guy with the hoofed mammals from the Far Side.) Dienhart drew attention in our neck of the woods for his "concluding" paragraph, in which he writes:

Early word I hear is that Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville would be interested in coaching A&M, where he worked earlier in his career. He wants out of Auburn, and Auburn wants him gone.

Dienhart's editors, wanting the piece to maintain its focus on Franchione, cut the remainder of the article. But the JCCW has obtained a copy of Dienhart's original draft, which continues as follows:

"Auburn wants Tuberville out in order to move quickly on an array of forward-thinking projects Auburn believes it will be able to afford once the substantial amount of money currently used to pay their head football coach's salary is freed up for other uses.

If you believe the rumors and rumblings, one plan calls to hire celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse to remake the Foy Student Union cafeteria into 'Emeril's BAM!-eteria.' Auburn wants students and staff will be able to watch Lagasse personally cook up all their favorite dishes, from pizza to country-fried steak to pizza, in a giant glass kitchen in the center of the complex.

Another project insiders say Auburn wants will renovate the outdated Haley Center and turn it into the world's largest and most exciting indoor paintball arena. For a small large fee, paintball combatants will seek to work their way through each of the Center's four quadrants and finally up the central tower in an effort to reach the top of the building without being 'splattered' with orange-and-blue paint. Tuition discounts will be awarded for those who reach the Center roof unscathed. Also, the Center will continue to host English and History classes.

To save expenses elsewhere, Auburn wants to skip the hiring hire a new head football coach. Those with knowledge of the situation say that upon hearing that Tom Landry's hat was available, Auburn moved to purchase the hat in the hopes that some of Landry's hair was still embedded in the fibers. DNA extracted from the hair could then be used to build an animatronic clone of the legendary Dallas Cowboys head coach, who would then coach the Tigers without needing salary, food or water, or a soul."

Oh, if I only I had Photoshop skills. He'd have one giant robotic eye and he'd be wearing an Auburn windbreaker. You'll just have to use your imaginations.

Of all these scenarios, I personally find the one that Auburn wants Tubby out the least likely.

Sorry for being MIA this week: work, etc. Hopefully more this afternoon.

And there was much rejoicing: Florida recap, Half the Second

Well, not on both sidelines, so much. Don't worry, WunderTim: Mike Patrick will be down shortly to help make it all better.

This is the second half of the JCCW's Florida recap. For the first half, click here or scroll down.

Third quarter

--Even with the help of my trusty DVR I can't see who it is (and curiously the official PBP is no help), but someone just made the Guiness book of records for World's Most Obvious Block in the Back. Seriously, the Gator blocked was the first guy down the field, standing directly in front of the returner. Mr. Magoo would have called it. The resulting field position + three-and-out = Florida starting on their own 45.
--It's bombs away to Harvin on first down and suddenly it's first-and-goal from the 3. But Marks--who is having a flat ridonkulous game to this point--somehow drags WunderTim down for a four-yard loss on first down. Two plays later the Gators decide they're not going to succeed in blocking Quentin Groves anyway, so they're just going to focus on those other guys and let Groves come in unimpeded. It's a smart allocation of resources, really, when you think about it, right up until the point WunderTim throws up a duck as Groves bodyslams him to the turf. 9 times out of 10 that's a devastating pick, but instead Patrick raves about WunderTim's bionic arm and the Gators luckily sneak off with three points.
--Good, Davis just limped off after the kickoff. Good, this possession goes incompletion-incompletion-sack. Good, at least Shoemaker--another guy who has been good beyond belief this game--gets the bounce and earns a 54-yard net on his punt. That's a sincere "Good" there.
--Also good? The wonderful scales of karmic justice. Spared the shoulda-been interception before, WunderTim is ne'er so lucky the second time as he goes deep down the sideline only for receiver Riley Cooper to, well, it looks like he thought he saw something shiny in the middle of the field. Quarter, maybe? If it was one of those Sacajawea dollars, that'd be cool. In the meantime, Lee picks off the pass.
--It's not just Cox. Rod Smith makes the best play by an Auburn receiver this season, twisting his leg in Gumby-like fashion to slip his foot just inside the sideline and give Auburn a huge 17-yard completion to the Gator 31. Who are you, and what have you done with Auburn? And will you stay the rest of the season? I've got a few paperbacks you can borrow, a stamp-card from the ice cream place down the street you guys can have that's, like, only two stamps away from being full. If somebody starts a pool, I'll totally chip in five bucks. Maybe even 10.
--Fannin for 14. Fannin for 11. First-and-goal. Our o-line is just crushing--oops, Tate for minus-3. Oops, Burns in for the Incredibly Surprising Quarterback Draw (tm MGo) that loses five. Oops, incompletion. At least Byrum is money and it's 17-3 Tigers.
--I'm just going to cut-and-paste this in from the official PBP, because it looks so beautiful written like this: "F 3-1 F44 [S0], Tebow, T. rush over left guard for no gain to the UF44 (Pat Sims)." Third and a yard, Tebow, no gain, Sims. Awesome. Florida tries to fake punt their way to the first, but they're playing Silly Gators again and get flagged for motion. Auburn gets the ball up 17-3 with 4:03 in the third. Things could not be going better.
--On first down, Tate fumbles it away on Auburn's 38. Tate fumbles it away on Auburn's 38. NO, DAMMIT. Listen, Ben: when the only reason you're getting the majority of carries is because the guy behind you is a fumbler, it's a good idea not to fumble.
--WunderTim wastes little WunderTime. He passes for 9, runs for 11, converts a 3rd-and-7 with a 10-yarder to Harvin, catches a break when Powers draws a flag on what might have been an uncatchable ball (though I'm less sold than Patrick), and it's first-and-goal from the 2. He goes nowhere on first, nowhere on second, and the drama is Picket Fences-quality as we head into the ...

Fourth quarter

--Which starts with the Silly Gators committing a false start to put them at the 6. Unfortunately, Muschamp has one of his rare episodes of mental flatulence and dials up a blitz that leaves Auburn in man-to-man. Knowing Florida's going to pass and knowing a zone is hell in that confined a space (just ask Cox following the finale to the MSU game), why press? Ingram runs the simplest of out patterns and WunderTim makes the simplest of passes for the simplest of touchdowns. Ack. 17-10.
--Groves is gone. He's on crutches, off to the locker room. When even Rowe describes a player's reaction to a simple examination as "freaking out (in pain)," you know he's done. That street the Auburn defense's bus drove down in the preseason, the one with black cats running across it and mirrors spilled in the way of the tires and the giant ladder leaning across it? Let's not drive down that one next year.
--Don't look now, but the offense is suddenly all Brandon Cox and is all predictable as all-get-out. Auburn runs eight plays this possession, five of them passes, three runs. All three runs come on first down, all five passes on second and third. The runs go for a total of -1 yards, the passes for 24. It's not enough, and Auburn punts (Shoemaker again: he knocks it out of bounds at the 9, has to kick again post penalty, and pins them at the 11. Bravo).
--Florida drives all 89 yards without even needing a third-down conversion. WunderTim either throws or rushes for every yard. 32 of them come on a deep pass Lee has covered perfectly, only for Harvin to go up like a Looney Tune with springs on his shoes and come down with a foot just inside the stripe. It's pretty much 2-on-11: Tebow and Harvin vs. the world. But Florida's two are just so supremely, ungodly talented and the offense is so geared to that talent it makes no difference. 17-17. Come on, Auburn.
--First-and-10: Fannin for two. But hey, a nifty fake-end-around gets Stewart wide-open for 18, out to the Auburn 40. First-and-10: Fannin for one. STOP DOING THAT. Cox is sacked on second down. On third down Evil Brandon surfaces, as he throws a completely hopeless ball across his body towards the center of the field. It falls to the ground only by the grace of an off-balance Gator batting it away from the perfectly-positioned Gator behind him. The wheels, friends, are wholly and completely off the Auburn offense, and we're watching them spin forlornly down the road.
--And yet things get worse: an official standing mere yards away flags Brock for catch interference when he obviously pulled up and waited for James to make the catch, then tagged him. Tubby goes appropriately Lou Piniella on the officials, and I think it's their subtle admission that he's got a point that they don't flag him, too. (Yes, Patrick said they'd flagged Tubby coming out of the commercial break. But look: the ball was caught on the 27. Florida starts on the 42. 42-27 = 15, not 30, i.e. a single penalty. But we shouldn't ask Patrick to be capable of such dexterous mathematical skills as "subtraction," I suppose.) Nonetheless Florida has every drop of momentum. For a quarter now, Auburn has been powerless to stop them on either side of the ball. This game is all but lost.
--And just one play later--the single most important play of this game, without argument, if you ask yours truly--it isn't. Florida runs their flanker screen to Harvin, who sees Thompson and Sims barreling towards him from the center of the field and tries to cut behind them. But Marks is waiting to collar him by the shoulder pad and drop him for a loss of six. Fantastic play all-around by the defensive line. Auburn is breathing again.
--Mullen calls a horrid-looking option on 2nd-and-long (really, you're going to try to run outside now?) and now it's third-and-long. The pass is incomplete as Sims roars through the middle of the line! The punt is a 25-yard shank! Holy crap! Auburn has it at their own 39 and needs just 30 yards to give Byrum an decent shot ... a touchdown, no, but 30 yards? I believe. Let's go, Auburn. War Eagle.
--Tate for 1. Cox throws a sharp slant to Smith for 10 and a first down. Tate for 1. (I still believe, but seriously, this is 12 straight first-and-10 runs and the last seven have gone for two yards or less.) Cox to Rodriguez for 6. 3rd-and-3. Tate on the pitch left for five yards and the first down! Pugh cleared out and the Gators were clearly expecting run. Gold star for Borges with that call.
--This is the second biggest play of the game: Auburn isn't in field goal range just yet at the 38, but the right side of the line--Bosley, Ramsey, Zimeba, Bennett--get a major push and Stewart (as he has done relentlessly all game) plows his guy at the point of attack. Tate carries hard for 8. The ball's on the 30. Barring disaster, it's on Byrum now.
--Tate for 1. Tate for 2, first down, the clock will run and Auburn will kick on the final play. Tate for 1. All these plays happen one after the other, a blur. And now Byrum is on the field.
--Even before Blackledge starts explaining what's happeneing, I know Byrum will have to make the kick twice--or just once, if it's the second time. The first one flies through as the whistles blow, and I don't know whether to be confident now that he's shown he can do it or less confident since that might have been the only one he has in him.
--The kick is up. It's good from the moment it gets over the line.
--YEEEEESSSSSSS! YES! AUBURN WINS! I worry, for a brief moment, about the neighbor trying to sleep. Screw 'em. WAR DAMN EAGLE!

The list of heroes is well-nigh endless. The d-line, who were warriors. Chris Evans, who was all over the place. The secondary never missed a tackle. The receivers were the steady, make-the-catch-and-get-what-you-can performers we dreamed about entering Week 1. The Five New Guys up front played a better game than maybe any the oh-so-experienced front line of 2006 put together. Tate ran with every ounce of effort he had. Fannin never lost a fumble.

But mostly: Tubby somehow got this group of kids--yes, kids, this year even more than most--to believe they could go from losing to Miss. St. and trailing to NMSU to defeating Florida in the Swamp. And then got them to go out and do it. How, I don't know.

And: Brandon made his Leap. May he never come down again.