Friday, October 05, 2007

What Auburn wants

So by now you've almost assuredly read the Sporting News's Tom Dienhart's take on Franchione's little "Bits for Big Boosters" scam. (I hope he was offering it from the inside of a trenchcoat on a sidewalk muttering "Hey Buddy ... wanna buy some injury information on Yemi Babalolo?" like the guy with the hoofed mammals from the Far Side.) Dienhart drew attention in our neck of the woods for his "concluding" paragraph, in which he writes:
Early word I hear is that Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville would be interested in coaching A&M, where he worked earlier in his career. He wants out of Auburn, and Auburn wants him gone.
Dienhart's editors, wanting the piece to maintain its focus on Franchione, cut the remainder of the article. But the JCCW has obtained a copy of Dienhart's original draft, which continues as follows:

"Auburn wants Tuberville out in order to move quickly on an array of forward-thinking projects Auburn believes it will be able to afford once the substantial amount of money currently used to pay their head football coach's salary is freed up for other uses.

If you believe the rumors and rumblings, one plan calls to hire celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse to remake the Foy Student Union cafeteria into 'Emeril's BAM!-eteria.' Auburn wants students and staff will be able to watch Lagasse personally cook up all their favorite dishes, from pizza to country-fried steak to pizza, in a giant glass kitchen in the center of the complex.

Another project insiders say Auburn wants will renovate the outdated Haley Center and turn it into the world's largest and most exciting indoor paintball arena. For a small large fee, paintball combatants will seek to work their way through each of the Center's four quadrants and finally up the central tower in an effort to reach the top of the building without being 'splattered' with orange-and-blue paint. Tuition discounts will be awarded for those who reach the Center roof unscathed. Also, the Center will continue to host English and History classes.

To save expenses elsewhere, Auburn wants to skip the hiring hire a new head football coach. Those with knowledge of the situation say that upon hearing that Tom Landry's hat was available, Auburn moved to purchase the hat in the hopes that some of Landry's hair was still embedded in the fibers. DNA extracted from the hair could then be used to build an animatronic clone of the legendary Dallas Cowboys head coach, who would then coach the Tigers without needing salary, food or water, or a soul."

Oh, if I only I had Photoshop skills. He'd have one giant robotic eye and he'd be wearing an Auburn windbreaker. You'll just have to use your imaginations.

Of all these scenarios, I personally find the one that Auburn wants Tubby out the least likely.

Sorry for being MIA this week: work, etc. Hopefully more this afternoon.


J.M. said...

The Haley Center idea is pretty good. I actually played laser tag with three other friends in Haley late one night. It felt like we were running around in a Death Star that needed renovations.

PhilipVU94 said...

Haha, good post.

So y'all are off this week, right? Must be since I haven't seen anything on any Auburn blogs or message boards about a game tomorrow.... :)

Pat said...

Wow. I'll date myself by mentioning that Haley Center was 'new' when I attended class. Yikes.

With all this talk about Tuberville and A&M, I wish someone would start the not-so-outlandish rumor that Saban was on a short list of Notre Dame prospects to resurrect their sinking program. When the win-O-meter reads 0-8 later in the year, don't think the Irish won't be looking, and money for that crowd will be no object.

If this indeed proves true, it won't be the four year howl out of Tuscaloosa like when Fran left, but a high-pitched keening that will last a decade.

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch, though. Here's to the thought.


Jerry Hinnen said...

j.m.: that sounds like a helluva lot of fun ... invite me next time!

Phillip: The next post will be Vandy-centric.

Pat: It's a great idea, but even the Irish aren't swimming in the kind of cash (9 years at $4 mil, right?) it'll take to buy out Wei$. Unless he resigns--and he's way, way too big an egotist to do so--ND's stuck with him. But it is a very very happy thought.

Anonymous said...

Actually, they need the money we'd save on Tuberville's salary to pay for all the free tuition of students run over by the Tiger Transit buses.