Friday preview: Southern Miss

Couldn't get one of these done for last week, but you can pretty well expect them on Fridays from here on out.

What has two thumbs and threatens to put the Golden Eagles on his back and haul them to an upset? This guy.

First, if you haven't read the Southern Miss Cheese-Puff Preview ... you should, and it's available here.

At stake: Your mileage may vary amongst the Eagle fans, but from this vantage point, not a ton for USM. A 30-point rout might let some of the air out of the "We're back, baby!" balloon Fedora's offense inflated last week, and I suppose it could further harm the Eagles' slowly-declining giant-slayer rep amongst the more studious of we college football fans.

Frankly, though, a game like this is all upside for the Eagles--do anything besides look totally incompetent and/or get half the team hurt, and a loss triggers nothing but a shrug of he shoulders; win, and overnight Southern Miss become co-CUSA favorites, their David-hunting-a-Goliath reputation will be fully restored to its late-'90s Technicolor glory, and new Hattiesburg Mayor Pro-Tem Larry Fedora will be fed as many peeled grapes by toga-clad sorority girls as his heart desires. There's maybe not nothing to lose for USM, but you put what they've got at stake Saturday on one side of the scale and then put nothing on the other, and it's just not gonna tilt all that much.

As for Auburn, a loss will trigger a thousand knee-jerk "All we care about is the SEC, all we care about is the SEC" comments from players, coaches, and fans alike, and they wouldn't be entirely misleading; neither the Ga. Tech loss in 2005 nor the USF loss last year wound up half as damaging as the LSU/Miss. St. losses later those seasons. However: that both of those nonconference losses came at the hands of higher-quality teams while Auburn was enjoying lower expectations than they do this season suggests that this go-round, the fall-out would/should be greater. If Auburn intends to make any kind of national splash, it has to start 3-0 ... or--Ha!--run the table afterwards.

As for what Auburn gains with a win, well, it'd be nice to perform competently enough through the air and win by a large enough margin that whatever top-10 doubts poll voters might have indulged after last Saturday were dispelled. But that's about it--Auburn's got a lot more to lose than it has to gain, as is always the case in these kinds of games, of course.

When Southern Miss has the ball: As you may have heard already: it didn't take long for Larry Fedora's offense to assert itself. As in, the first drive of his first game as USM's head coach. Also the third, the fourth, the sixth, the seventh, and the eighth drives: the Eagles scored on six of those first eight possessions en route to finishing with school records in total and rushing yardage against helpless Louisiana-Lafayette. To be fair, ULL does not have the same caliber of defense as even UL-Monroe and about the only thing they've got in common with Auburn's defense is that they each play 11 guys at a time; nonetheless, it seems safe to assume the Tigers aren't about to pitch a second straight shutout.

Why? For starters, Fedora's no-huddle spread continually racked up the points and yards at Okie St.(Perhaps the Stat of the Century: Fedora's Cowboys averaged 243.5 a game rushing and 243.5 a game passing. I learned that by looking up the word "balance" in the dictionary). Particularly after seeing how quickly the Eagles picked up the scheme last week, it seems safe to assume he's smart enough to find some kind of crease in Auburn's armor. Secondly, there's the guy pictured above, senior running back Damion Fletcher. He went for 222 yards on 21 carries against ULL and last year totaled 1,586 yards to break a USM single-season rushing record that had stood since 1982. He is very, very good.

There was some hope entering this season that Fletcher might be a Lone Ranger at the skill positions for USM, but redshirt freshman quarterback Austin Davis put that notion pretty well to rest against ULL by completing 2/3rds of his passes and rushing for another 71 yards and two TDs (as well as, it's worth noting, drawing a rave review from our guest USM expert yesterday). Davis isn't exactly lacking for receivers, either: freshman DeAndre Brown allegedly looked every bit the five-star stud vs. ULL and led the team in receptions, tight end Shawn Nelson is first-team All-CUSA and an All-America candidate (or so says my Athlon, anyway), and four other receivers from the Eagles' top six pass-catchers return. Bottom line: for all of Auburn's speed, talent, and experience in their back seven, they are going to have their hands completely full with this set of skill position players.

The good news for Auburn? They should own the trenches, especially in the middle, where USM is replacing both guards and their center from 2007. Particularly given how spry Tez Doolittle looked last week, it'll be a surprise if Auburn doesn't get a good push inside and force Fletcher to look off-tackle. (Where he would, delightfully, be introduced to Messrs. Blackmon, Stevens, Evans, Bynes, et al.) USM's tackles are the strength of the line and should have more success, but of course they're facing Antonio Coleman when they're not facing Goggans and Carter.

But just some push and some pass rush won't be enough to keep Southern Miss under wraps. The Tigers will have to out-and-out dominate up front--especially on passing downs, where Davis will be starting his first-ever road game and could theoretically be rattled--or weapons of the quality of Fletcher and Brown, working out of a scheme as sharp as Fedora's, are going to score their points.

When Auburn has the ball: They're going to have success in the rushing game. A lot of success. Like, crazy, gonzo, bonkers success.

Well, OK, maybe not "bonkers." But USM is replacing all four of its d-line starters and it didn't just show in the ULL game, it practically put up a billboard: the Cajuns raged their way to 263 rushing yards on 43 attempts, good for 6.1 yards a pop.

It's true that, as Lanny Mixon pointed out, ULL boasted rush-QB extraordinaire Mike Desormeaux, plus a senior RB and four starters back on their line. But methinks whatever advantages ULL might have had, Auburn can see those with the likes of Tate and Lester and then comprehensively raise with Ziemba, Green, Bosley, Isom, and Pugh. And given Desormeaux's 2007 struggles in stretching the field, I imagine the Eagles also spent much of that game stacking the line. Forgive me, but I don't think the "Auburn's going to have a field day on the ground" limb I'm going out on is all that unsteady. I think we could, like, build a treehouse out here in fact.

The passing game, however, will require this man:



to play the game of football much, much better than he did last week. Whatever you might think of Desormeaux's skills as a passer (what you probably think: " "), he went 9-20 with 2 picks while nearly all of USM's attention--surely, surely--was focused on shutting down the Cajun run. Somebody in the Eagle secondary was doing something very right--perhaps most notably sophomore corner C.J. Bailey, who claimed a starting job as a freshman and had one of the two picks. If Todd and the Auburn receiving corps are not better, USM does not look likely to make them better by mere charity.

That said: Auburn's passing game couldn't really be worse, could it? And as much as I've argued on Burns's behalf this week, it seems reasonable to think the merry-go-round under center had something to do with Todd's ... missteps. As the carousel looks to have stopped (or slowed, perhaps) for at least a Saturday and the running game should give Todd plenty of slack, I'm expecting better things. As in: more completions, more passing yards, and more offensive points than last week, at the minimum.

When special teams are on the field: Auburn should have an advantage despite the fact that All-Name representative Britt Barefoot handles both kicking and punting for USM (or at least he did last week; not sure where returning starting PK Justin Estes went). Barefoot averaged less than 40 yards a punt vs. ULL.

This is assuming that Dunn remains Dunn, Byrum gets over last week's miss, and Saturn V Durst avoids coming back to earth in his second outing.

Intangible to worry about: These:



are two fine gentlemen who, over the years, I've come to accept and even feel a certain nostalgic attachment for, in spite of their both their and their similarly-named colleague's proclivity for on-air malapropisms and mistakes.

That said, after Auburn's stunning and repeated failure to perform adequately when playing in a game whose kickoff time has been set to accomodate the arrival of these gentlemen, I wish I wish I wish they were staying a hundred thousand miles away from Jordan-Hare Stadium this Saturday.

Intangible reason for confidence: As noted during the Cheese Puff piece, Tubby has never lost to a non-BCS school at Auburn and hasn't even been in danger of doing so since 2001. Some of that is that these have not been particularly challenging non-BCS schools; some of that is that the team has taken care of business.

Three wishes: 1. That Mario Fannin scores a touchdown and/or goes over 75 yards of total offense; I'd really rather not risk Super Mario tuning out on the rest of the season by languishing outside the gameplan. 2. That Auburn drops no more than one pass; the Tigers' quarterbacks, as we've seen, could use the help. 3. That Auburn leads by 10 at the end of the first quarter; forcing a team with as many young players in key positions--Davis in particular--to press and play from behind could lead to a knockout blow and a much more comfortable second half than, honestly, I'm expecting.

Success is/Failure is: 60 percent of passes completed and a win by 14 or more / Fewer than 50 percent passes completed and a loss or a win in which Southern Miss could take the lead on their final possession.

The bottom line: Despite the homerrific source, I'll readily buy Dr. Saturday's assertion that 17.5 points is a peculiarly wide spread between these two teams, given how inefficient Auburn's offense looked in Week 1 compared to the mindbogglingly efficiency of USM's attack. If Auburn covers, they will have played a very good game indeed.

But sheer regression to the mean suggests to me that even after last week, the upset is too much-too soon for the Eagles. I doubt they can execute what remains a still-new offense with that level of precision two weeks consecutively; I likewise don't see Auburn's offense punting six times in the first half again. To boot, Auburn's rush vs. USM's rush defense looks like the biggest mismatch on the board; where the Eagles could make up for it so decisively as to steal the game, I don't know. Competitive, yes, but in the end this game should be Auburn's unless something really weird happens.

But, ah, if Chris Todd once again drops back and summons the demons that plagued Evil Brandon Cox--as he did, let me think back, it's been so long ...oh! Last week-- we could indeed see something really weird happen. The JCCW believes the final margin to ultimately be in Todd's hands; both teams should be able to move the ball, but if Todd is sharp Auburn should roll their way to an easy victory; if he's adequate, the Tigers' advantages on the ground and along the defensive line should be enough to win by two possessions; if we see a series of crushing picks, all bets are off.

And, in one final attempt to look spectacularly wrong ...



Auburn 31, Southern Miss 19

The Works, while I've got a sec-style

A few quick mid-day links for ya ...



Mario Fun-nin? Lots of talk about Super Mario this week, most of it neatly wrapped into a nice package here by the O-A News's Collin Mickle. You know most of it by now, though: Fannin entered the ULM game as jack-of-all-offensive-trades (positive view) or the No. 3 slot wideout (negative view), touched the ball three times, got more-or-less publicly chewed out by Franklin, and now has allegedly had his duties scaled back to one, uh, trade.

This is, to the JCCW's way of thinking, the No. 2 question for the Auburn offense as it heads into tomorrow's game: how does it put this guy to use? Because Fannin is too talented not to use. Three touches aren't gonna cut it week-in, week-out. Yes, Auburn can beat ULM that way and I don't mind rewarding Fannin's poor play when the ball's in someone else hands by keeping it out of his. But I'm not sure at all Auburn can beat [SEC team of your choice goes here] with him so uninvolved. Here's to hoping for better things tomorrow.

More on Fannin and the holes at outside WR here, courtesy of Luke Brietzke, who I suppose is David Ching's fill-in.

Update. Burns remains a "game-time decision." If I'm reading between Tubby's lines correctly, I think we only see him if Auburn's in danger in the second half.

Good stuff at Track'Em, starting with a bunch of worthwhile information from Jay and continuing through our one-liner of the week from War Eagle Atlanta:

At least SI saw fit not to put Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson on the cover. Like his fellow long-haired predecessor Brodie, he's more suitable for People, US, or Tiger Beat (pun intended).

ZING!

Yep. Not sure how I missed this wherever it appeared in the MSM, but Robert Dunn as quoted by Chris Shelling as quoted by TWER:

I know what plays we can run and what plays the coach could have been running. On the defense the middle of the field was wide open. Anyone could see that. Just throw a post and we score a touchdown every time. We really didn’t want to open up the playbook much. We were up. There’s no need to pile it on. You’ve got to have respect for the game. If you’re up 28-0 or 34-0 there’s no need to try to hail mary the ball. Things like that get players hurt. We just kept it basic and simple. I don’t feel like we have any struggles.

Part of me wants to say "I'm not so sure we want to be that cocky about our abilities whilst our quarterbacks are throwing balls directly into the arms of the opponent and we're dropping the ball on routine out routes, eh, Robert?" But most of me just feels reassured that the same balls-to-the-wall game we saw called by Franklin against Clemson will be back as soon as it's needed.

Wait, are you thinking rationally? We don't allow that in this conference. Richard Pittman at the delightfully new-and-improved ATVS applauds LSU and Troy for rescheduling:

Football is a big production. You have media; you have tailgaters arriving on Wednesday for a Saturday game; you have a visiting team that needs hotels to stay in; you have visiting fans that need to make it in; you have restaurants that need to be fully staffed and fully functional; you have to have portable toilets in place to accommodate all the people; you have to have ice for the concession stands; you have to have thousands of little things that Baton Rouge would have a very hard time providing right now. To try to put on such a big production during this sort of event would be, I think, foolish. As Mrs. ATVS said, "There's being resilient, and then there's just fiddling while Rome burns." Putting on an LSU football game during this is fiddling, particularly when the game can be easily rescheduled.

Football, less important than making sure everyone has electricity? Blasphemy! Thoughtful, well-reasoned, compassionate blasphemy, yes, but blasphemy.

The window shuts

We can be clear about this now: if it was ever going to happen, it was going to happen in 2007.

The Gamecocks got over the hump early on against Georgia, basically giving themselves a two-game edge on the Dawgs. For all of the Tebow Child's glimmering brilliance, Florida's defense found itself caught in a one- (possibly two-, I suppose; we'll see) season trough of mediocrity between Zook's recruits bombing out and Meyer finding a way to reload. The Vols had Erik Ainge, luck, and not much of anything else. Spurrier's window in the SEC East was as open as it was ever going to get.

Somehow it ended up being Vandy that started a long, depressing, downward pull on that window, to where it was barely more than a crack at its bottom by the end of last season. Georgia's rebound and Florida's annihilation of the 'Cocks--and, more to the the point, how tall a hill they showed SC would have to climb this season--left the opening so thin you wouldn't be able to see any sunlight through it, just feel the slightest wisp of a draft. And then Vandy came back to shut it all the way last night.

It's closed. It's over. Steve Spurrier will not win so much as a division title at South Carolina.

(One other thing: forgive me for tooting my own horn a bit, but I think very few, if any, of the other SEC Power Poll voters ranked Bobby Johnson anywhere near Spurrier, much less above him. Tell me: after seeing what we saw last night and considering how much talent are on these two respective teams, who would you want coaching your team tomorrow?)

Southern Miss preview later today.

Special Guest Enemy: a Q n' A with Lanny Mixon of Big Gold Nation

Time once again to fetch our information on Auburn's next opponent directly from the source, in this case Lanny Mixon, publisher of Southern Miss Rivals site Big Gold Nation. Lanny was kind enough to take a little bit of time out of his schedule to answer a few questions and help us understand what Auburn's going to be facing Saturday. The JCCW's questions below are in bold, Lanny's answers in quotes. Enjoy.



1. 633 total yards, 427 rushing yards, 30 first downs, 51 points! When was the last time USM had an offensive explosion like that and how giddy are Golden Eagle fans at having an attack with this kind of potential after the slow-and-steady Bowers years?

"In a word, never. The 633 total yards and 427 rushing yards are both new single game records for the Eagles. Southern Miss scored 50+ against UTEP last year, but was the beneficiary of several short fields. This new focus on offense is a breath of fresh air for the Eagle Nation."

2. Having seen it in action, how would you describe Fedora's offense? With a single back and a no-huddle philosophy, it seems like it would be similar to what our own Tony Franklin is doing at Auburn, but what other details could you give us?

"The offensive game plan is similar between the two schools. It will be interesting to see how the teams play against each other, Louisiana (-Lafayette--ed.) ran a very similar spread offense as well. This will be the second week that Southern Miss has faced a run-heavy spread."

3. Austin Davis had a pretty good game statistically for a redshirt freshman QB making his first-ever collegiate start: 14-21, 206 yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT. What does Davis bring to the table and what does he take off of it?

"Davis is probably the most well-rounded QB that the Eagles have had since Reggie Collier. In addition to his passing stats, Davis ran for 63 yards on 12 carries and two touchdowns. (Probably should have noticed that.--ed.) Although he doesn't have blazing speed, he's very elusive and has good field vision on the move. His biggest negative is that he'll be playing in his second game ever at the college level."

4. Auburn fans should know about RB Damion Fletcher (21 carries, 222 yards, 2 TDs) and stud WR recruit DeAndre Brown ("the only five-star recruit in C-USA history," 4 catches for 92 and a TD), but who else amongst the Golden Eagle backs and receivers will the Tiger defense need to keep an eye on?

"Hybrid pass catcher Shawn Nelson is a special player, 6-foot-5, 245-pounds. Will line up at TE or in the Slot. Is a very difficult match-up. Bigger and more physical than most DB's and faster than most LB's. Junior transfer Bubba Kirksey ran for more than 100 yards backing up Fletcher against UL."

5. Turning to the other side of the ball, Louisiana-Lafayette did rush for 263 yards and averaged 6.1 yards a carry. Why were the Ragin' Cajuns so successful on the ground and do you think we'll see more eight- or nine-men in the box formations from USM on Saturday?

"All four of Southern Miss' starting defensive linemen were making their first collegiate start on Saturday. There's some talent there but they've not seen many live bullets. UL's QB Michael Desormeaux is one of the best running QB's in the country. He opened a lot of options for the Cajuns. Chris Todd will have to prove to the Eagles that he can hurt them through the air."

6. Plain and simple: what's the single biggest key to a win for Southern Miss? What's the one thing they must do to pull out a victory?

"They have to score more points than Auburn to win the game. (?--ed.) Key defensive stops are essential for the Eagles. Eliminating the big play, don't get hurt on 1st down."

7. Lastly, what are the expectations for Southern Miss as they approach this game? After the fireworks last week, how seriously are the Golden Eagle fans taking their chances for an upset?

"It's a new day at Southern Miss. The Eagles have won at Auburn in the past with less talent. Southern Miss head coach Larry Fedora expects to win each game, and the players are buying into his way of thinking. It's an uphill battle, and it won't be easy, but don't underestimate this group of hungry Eagles."

Thanks again to Lanny and if you're a Rivals subscriber, Big Gold Nation is thattaway.

A quick tiny bit of reaction from the JCCW:

--Desormeaux--who is widely agreed to be every bit as good as Lanny claims--finished 9-20 for 98 yards and two picks in the air, but rushed 16 times for 146 yards. Take your pick: maybe this is just a function of Desormeaux not being able to get it done in the air and with USM focused on helping the young d-line, Todd will have more success. But maybe it's that USM is simply a lot better at defending the pass than the run--and if that's the case, um, I hope (again) Burns is healthy enough to lend a hand if need be.

--Boy, doesn't sound like Lanny's missing ol' Jeff Bowers very much, is he? Reading SMQ after Bowers' removal, I always got the sense that there was probably more faux outrage from the national media than there was genuine outrage within the USM fanbase.

--Nice to know ULL gave USM some experience in dealing with a ground-based spread. Excuse me while dance a jig.

--I sure don't blame USM fans for their optimism--if our new offense had had the kind of day theirs did, we'd be on the horn with our travel agent about accommodations in Atlanta as we speak--but Lanny also helps illustrate that this remains a very young team: new quarterback, new No. 1 receiver, new defensive front. Hard to say they played very jittery last week, though. We'll see.

The Works, thing with feathers-style

I'm carrying a grudge against your back. Nothing personal.

Again? It was just a few days ago that Tubby was answering questions about Raven Gray mulling over a transfer, and now apparently it's the offensive line's turn. The rumblings that Chaz Ramsey (!) could transfer (?!?!) have apparently grown loud enough that the beat reporters felt it necessary to have Tubby address them. It would have been quite nice, thank you, if Tubby had responded with "Charles Ramsey, Esquire, transfer? Poppycock! Balderdash! Hogwash! Claptrap!" (Apparently, it would also have been nice if he'd worn a monocle and been British.) But he didn't; instead he said

I don't know what to tell you about it. He hasn't practiced with us. Nobody's told me anything (about transferring). I've heard rumors, too. I checked. He's still in school, and we hope he stays.

Well, we hope, too. I would say, based on nothing but blind optimism and Tubby's having "checked," that things should work out; it's just rumor, as Tubby points out, and it's not like Ramsey's in any danger of losing his job once he's healthy, I wouldn't think. So why would he bolt?

Of course, I was optimistic about the DeRon Furr situation, too, and we all saw how that one turned out. We've seen one player transfer out as soon as camp opened, another leave not long after, and consistent talk that others might follow it seems like almost ever since. I'm not blaming anyone--if Raven Gray has to redshirt and what the mill starts churning is that he's on his way out, I'm not sure what Tubby can do about it--but it's not fall camp anymore, where this sort of thing happens and you shrug your shoulders. It's Week 2. Auburn hosts Southern Miss on Saturday, and if they are not prepared, they will lose. This kind of tumult and discord cannot help Auburn be prepared.

More QB chatter. Jay G. Tate:

I believe Burns is going to emerge soon. He's the more dynamic player. He has a stronger arm. He knows the offense. If Chris Slaughter catches that long pass and Rod Smith is in bounds on that almost touchdown last weekend, Burns finishes the game 6-of-9 for 100+ yards and two touchdowns.

I'm supposed to believe Todd still would be this weekend's starter?

Co-sign.

The Band is out on the Field! Cool beans from Auburntron: a link in which you may arrange the Auburn U. Marching Band (recipient of the 2004 Sudler Intercollegiate Marching Band Trophy ... man, that was a good year all the way around, wasn't it?) on Pat Dye Field however you may please. Though there's a bit of confusion, it looks like, in getting the digital band members to line up for a bottom-row "E" properly:



War Blog Fagle, everyone!

Even cooler beans. Joel of Rocky Top Talk is now bringing the glory of their animated drive charts to the masses. See below, with full-screen goodness also available:
Full Screen Version Dude, sweet.

Upshot? In the wake of the postponement of LSU's game with Troy, I have to ask: will this benefit Auburn? With the Trojans off of LSU's schedule until November and seriously hapless North Texas the only remaining Bayou Bengal opponent between now and the Decider, all three teams Auburn will have faced will have been more challenging than any LSU will have played. Will that make Auburn more, for lack of a better word, battle tested? Who really knows, and I would--obviously--prefer that Gustav had gone back to Bulgaria and that LSU and Troy had played their game as scheduled. But it's something to consider.

Headline o' the Week. Mark McCarter's Huntsville Times column is titled:

Auburn can still bounce back from its 34-0 victory

Mmmmmm, that's good sarcasm.

Huh. This is probably one of those things all the kids at the cool table of the cafeteria already know and that admitting I just found out about it only proves what an out-of-touch dork I am, but ... this is a houndstooth hat:



and Old School Nasty would like to know if you've ever spotted one atop the head of a certain iconic football coach--

I'm begging anyone to find a picture of Bear Bryant wearing houndstooth and send it to me.

--since, he says, all the photographs he's found of said coach show him sporting a plaid hat of similar design. To which I say: huh. (And not OMG BURRRRRRNNNNN!!1!!!11one! Still just a hat. But The More You Know ...)

Elsewhere, Orson shrewdly debunks the "Atlanta is a bad sports town" slander I, too, have grown weary of over the years ... Tennessee fans and Tennessee parents go at it in a rare MSM look inside the world of the message board ... and while I don't think anyone's about to label Gump for Heisman's views on women or various other topics "progressive" [insert stereotypical dig at 'Bama fans here], I quite literally could not stop laughing at his diary of the Clemson game. Highly recommended if you are not my mother or under the age of 13.

Blogpollery, Week 1

The JCCW's Week 1 ballot goes like so:

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Georgia	--
2	Ohio State	--
3	Oklahoma	--
4	Florida	--
5	Southern Cal	1
6	Oregon	2
7	Missouri	2
8	Texas	4
9	Auburn	--
10	LSU	--
11	Alabama	15
12	South Florida	1
13	Wisconsin	--
14	Fresno State	12
15	East Carolina	11
16	Brigham Young	2
17	Kansas	--
18	Utah	8
19	West Virginia	--
20	Penn State	--
21	Texas Tech	5
22	Oklahoma State	4
23	Mississippi	2
24	California	2
25	UCLA	1

Dropped Out: Clemson (#7), Tennessee (#15), Pittsburgh (#18), Virginia Tech (#21), Arizona State (#22), TCU (#23), Illinois (#24).

Notes

--After a preseason "power poll" philosophy, the JCCW's early-season poll philosophy is a witches' brew of hard results, perceived strength, and in some cases quality of play.

--For an example of the latter: based on my preseason ballot I should be more impressed with Bowling Green than East Carolina, since I had Pitt solidly in the top 20 (because I am what you plebes may refer to with your filthy mouths as a college football "expert") and Va. Tech on the 20-25 fringe. But BGSU needed the help of several Panther turnovers for their upset while the Pirates basically kicked Hokie ass up and down the field for most of the game, and would have cruised if not for a couple of brainlock turnovers of their own. Add that to my perception that East Carolina was simply the stronger team to begin with, and volia: ECU at 15, BGSU on the waiting list.

--No losers. No team whose ledger book of accomplishments for the season is in the red deserves to be in a top 25.

--At the very top of the poll, I'm not buying that anyone's cupcake bludgeoning is any more impressive than anyone else's cupcake bludgeoning, and that includes USC's: Virginia's an unspeakably awful team, one Steele projected behind Duke.

--Texas and Oregon, however, did not play cupcakes and won just as easily, thus their bumps northward. Mizzou slips just a bit due to allowing Juice Williams to rack up Graham Harrell stats but not too far since, after all, they did beat Illinois.

--The further down the poll you go, the more credence is given to Week 1 results. Thus TCU and Arizona St. are out and victors over decent-teams-we-think Utah, Cal, and UCLA are in.

--I don't think I docked anyone for a weaker-than-expected cupcake bludgeoning (cupcake thump-knuckle?), with the exception of Texas Tech, which I was a little leery about already and gave up a pile of points and yards to FCS Eastern Washington in EWU's first game under a new head coach.

--Suggestions are welcome in the comments; arguing why Team A deserves to be ranked over Team B is the closest thing football has to bracketology, and I have to say I miss it in the fall.

The Works, Hail Britannia-style

God Save the Queen. OK, so the JCCW doesn't usually go in for the whole "arbitrary pictures of attractive ladies in their underthings" thing, but when said arbitrary pictures include a British television personality posing for a major magazine cover with a shirt that reads like so ...



... certain exceptions can be made. Tip of the hat to TWER, who also offer up a must-read write-up of Jimmy Buffett's brief time at Auburn, just ahead of the Tigers' match-up against the head Parrothead's eventual alma mater.

His Spirit lives on. David Ching's time as an Auburn beat writer proved to be unmercifully short, but obviously somebody's keeping the flame burning at his old blog stomping grounds, 'cause there's a full transcript there of Tubby's post-Tuesday practice press conference. It's surprisingly enlightening for being, well, just a typical Tuesday press conference, maybe never moreso than in Tubby's frank appraisal of why the running game worked so well:

We went back and looked at the running game the last couple of years and our best running game have come out of one-back; whether it’s underneath the center or in shotgun. So, really the best thing that we do with our offensive line is that we’re very athletic. We run laterally, which is zone-blocking. We have not ever been a power team where everybody blocks down and one guy kicks out. ... We have been a more finesse running team; creating running lanes with zone blocking, handing off and let the running back use his ability in the running lane. That’s what we did Saturday and after going back and evaluating what we’ve done in our running game for the past four or five years, that’s been our bread and butter.

Quick, someone build me a time machine so I can go back three weeks and put $10,000 down on Tubby using the word "finesse" to describe his team's rush attack.

I appreciate the candor, but I have to say I'm less enthralled with Tubby's general attitude of "We'll keep sorta just trying stuff out to see what works until we get to the SEC game the week after," which, while I would agree that SEC play is the thing, doesn't seem to yours truly to quite take Southern Miss as seriously as 633 yards of offense deserve to be taken. And per our discussion yesterday, here's your money quote:

Chris Todd will be our starter this week and he may play the whole game. (Emphasis mine.)

This despite the fact that Burns practiced yesterday and should be good to go. So it goes. (It's all going to work out and I should shut my gripin' hole right now, I know, I know.)

I suppose I should address this. Meaning this:



And you know, whatevs. Magazines with Alabama on the cover sell. They're a "big deal," their coach is a "big deal." No point in pretending they're not. Assuming things go as they should in November, it's just one more thing we'll pull out of the weather-beaten trunk in the attic of August like a priceless family heirloom, to hold and let the warm fuzzy feeling of HA-ha wash over us.

Also worth reading in the world of 'Bama hype fatigue is Erik at DeepSouthSports' breakdown of how Julio wuz robbed of the SEC's Freshman of the Week award, which was given to Rebel back Brandon Bolden. "Who?" you ask. Erik "agrees":

Is "Brandon Bolden" some pseudo name for The Julio? Cause the only "Brandon Bolden" I know of was some non-dreamy three-star "athlete." What could he possibly know about outstandingness?

"Outstandingness" = post tag.

Wrong. More on the SEC-ESPN TV deal: Pete Fiutak thinks the House of Mouse is about to give the league the Arena Football/NASCAR unjustified coverage bum rush. He somehow overlooks the fact that with CBS still holding the first pick in the SEC Game O' the Week draft, ABC's late-afternoon and primetime games (i.e. their most valuable ones) are still going to get selected from the Big 10/Pac-10/Big 12/technically the ACC pool. Somehow I don't see them suddenly taking Gameday out of Columbus the day of the Michigan game because they're going to be showing Tennessee-Kentucky on ESPN2 that night.

Apparently, delusion is a virus Fran carried with him west from Tuscaloosa. The best part about Texas A&M's loss to Arkansas St. is that they still have a shot at the national title. Though I suppose those are just random nutso message-board types; you can expect bloggers to have a much more sane view of the situation, like dropping A&M all the way to fourth in a Big 12 power poll. Much more sensible.

Etc. That Rob Stone's a funny guy ... the good Senator keep us up to date on how the clock rules are (sorta) affecting game times ... the Syracuse SIDs run an awesome end-around past "reality."

A SECond look at Week 1

It's not easy coming up with new things to say about to say about SEC games that have all been well picked-over by now, but before we get to this week's SEC Power Poll ballot and the ballots of the future, I'm going to try anyway:

I promise I'll stop after this. But if you couldn't tell from the snark at the end of this post or the versificiation in this one, I think I ended up the only observer out there (well, the only one besides a handful of Dawg or Vol diehards, anyway) who felt we didn't learn any more from Florida's 56-10 demolition of Hawaii than we did from Georgia's or LSU's wins? Yes, it was a 56-10 demolition, but:

1. Hawaii is an awful team. Take the same crew Georgia murdered last January, then take away their quarterback, top four wideouts, head coach, and nine other starters. I watched both the Florida game (most of it, anyway) and the Auburn game and have no doubt in the following statement whatsoever: UL-M is every bit as good as Hawaii if not better.
2. Hawaii was playing at 6:30 a.m. Hawaii time.
3. 21 of Florida's points came from punt or interception returns.
4. The first quarter was scoreless and the first half competitive until its very end, with Hawaii forcing punts on two of Florida's first three possessions and putting together two three-first-down drives. But then they kicked to Brandon James like a buncha eejits and the bottom fell out.


I'm not saying it wasn't a good performance. I'm not saying it wasn't better than Auburn's, even if Florida and Auburn both gained exactly 406 yards (Florida did it in only 55 plays whereas Auburn took 73.) But it doesn't mean their defensive problems are solved or that the offense is already the unstoppable machine it's been reputed to be just yet.

Kickers, better get some extra tackling practice in. Friend-o'-the-blog J-Bug Big D passed on some sharp preseason thoughts via e-mail recently, and I thought I'd share this particularly prescient one:

As good as the offensive linemen are (in the SEC) the return specialists are just as talented. Tristan Davis, Robert Dunn, Javier Arenas, Captain Munmerlyn, Brandon James, Trindon Holliday, Derek Pegues. Apologies to anyone left off, but that is a pretty sizable list of guys that we KNOW are dangerous game changers.

Dunn and James already got their first TD's of the year and Arenas in particular (in my humble opinion) looked terrifying as ever. Just one more reason UT's loss isn't any reason to stop the SEC conference war drum thumping. (Well, OK, it is, but just not for very long.)

Yep. OTS already pointed this out, but it's not coincidence that the only two SEC losses from this week struck the two teams who had been consistently labeled statistical overachievers from last season. Phil Steele strikes again.

Look out. I'll go ahead and spoil the suspense by telling you Georgia's going to stay No. 1 on my Blogpoll ballot and the SECPP ballot below (I know you're disappointed) despite the loss of Jeff Owens. Why? Because a) the ball Matt Stafford threw to Kris Durham for the second Dawg TD was a frozen rope, a true thing of beauty b) A.J. Green is pretty clearly going to be ready to catch a bunch of frozen ropes in the very near future. Between those guys (UGA: 17 completions for 323 yards), Moreno and King, and Stacy Searels continuing to patch things up on the line, I'll come out and say this: Georgia has the best offense in the league right now.

On with ...



1. Georgia. Yes, the loss of Owens might hurt. But better in mid-game against GSU than against one of the SEC big boys, and the middle of the Dawg d-line isn't going to be tested anyway until 'Bama comes to town in Week 5 (no, somehow I don't think Central Michigan-South Carolina-Arizona St. have the potential to power their way of the Georgia defense), so Richt's got some times to figure things out.

2. Florida. I'd pay up upwards of 100 bucks to watch Will Demps and Trindon Holliday have a footrace in helmets and pads. For serious. I think.

3. Auburn. No, they weren't as impressive in Week 1 as the two teams beneath them here, but after saying they'd top the West, it wouldn't do for an Auburn fan to go dropping them after a performance in which their defense and run game were as good as they were, would it?

4.LSU. Apparently Miles has decided to short-circuit the tailback race early and declare Charles Scott the winner--he carried 16 times to Keiland Williams's 6 against Appy St. I can't decide if this should make me happy (Oh boy! We won't have to face Keiland williams!) or sad (Oh no! We're going to have to face more Charles Scott!).

5. Alabama. Man, I can't remember the last time Tide fans were this giddy. Oh, wait, yes I do: right after the throat-stomping of Tennessee last year. Hell of a win, credit where it's due, but 'Bama can't move higher until one of the above loses (or maybe just really stinks out the place one week?) or the Tide beat a team who isn't coached by a staff who takes the ball out of their Heisman candidate running backs' hands and hands it to Cullen "So Much Worse Than You Think" Harper.

6. Ole Miss. Dispatched Memphis with unusual (for the Rebels) authoritah, meaning four of the top six teams in the SEC--sorry, SC--are in the West. Been a while since we could say that, huh?

7. South Carolina. The chatter that Chris Smelley's gaudy stats only came about because the N.C. State defense has thrown in the towel is dead-on--go watch Smelley's first touchdown pass again, and you can see it's a hideous wobbler only caught because his target was open by half a mile. Now he's going to face Vandy's secondary, far and away the 'Dores strongest unit and one of the better ones in the league. Fun.

8. Vanderbilt. Eh, Kentucky's win might have been a little more impressive given the opponent, but a) Vandy will always get the benefit of the doubt here b) the 'Dores got their beatdown on without nearly so much help from the Redhawks as UK got from the pathetic Cards. Also: if Chris Nickson is going to play like that, who knows?

9. Kentucky. I'm not sure I'm ready to live in a world where Kentucky has an above-average defense. I'm just not.

10. Tennessee. I'd say Vol fans have been surprisingly level-headed about Monday's debacle, seeing as how I haven't seen any bounties yet issued for the heads of either Lincoln or the idiot replay official who cut UCLA the break on the safety. The only bounties have been issued for the coaches, and you'd think Fulmer at least would be used to it by now.

11. Arkansas. The irony behind the Hogs being wholly dependent on Casey Dick to ride in and save the day is too much to handle. It overwhelms me. I can't think straight about this team.

12. Mississippi St. After being shut out in '06 and '07 and losing to LaTech in '08, maybe in '09 State can just start the season with an automatic 0-1 record and skip the actual playing of the game? Seems like they'd avoid some of the embarrassment that way.

Injury fun

Except by fun, I mean, "hair-pulling anxiety." With the news just arrived that Khrisodi Burn-Stodd has been surgically separated into his two component quarterbacks and Chris Todd has been named the starting component, the injury picture isn't just getting fuzzier, it's just had its "brightness" turned down another notch.

To wit: Burns was the better quarterback the other night. You know it, I know it, the American people know it, I'm willing to wager Auburn's players and coaches know it. He should be our starting QB.

But if he can't practice, and Tubby says he couldn't yesterday (and might not today), I guess he's not going to be prepared as Todd. That's enough, apparently, to overturn the hypothetical deficit Todd was running after Saturday--particularly since according to Charles Goldberg (in the comment section of his blog??!?*) the plan has always been to start one half of Burn-Stodd in Week 1 and the other half in Week 2. Plus, Burns might not be able to play at all, Tubby's saying.

Now, I can admit the tone of that last paragraph is a little bit unduly ... skeptical. My ignorant jerking knee says that there's no way a laceration, even one flowing deep and wide, could keep a grade-A athlete like Burns out of action completely a full week after it happened, but I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV. If Tubby's telling us Burns can't play, he can't play, and we should just move on and invite Todd to that little get-together we're having next week. He'd enjoy it.

But, dammit, I want Burns there. It's true that before last Saturday, I wouldn't have lost any sleep over it; for starters it didn't seem as if playing Burn-Stodd, Burns, or Todd would make any dramatic difference in the level of quarterback play. Also, as I said in my Cheese Puff piece, in the offseason Southern Miss didn't look like much more of a threat than ULM was: they're replacing a ton of folks, are undergoing their own offense transplant, and weren't very good to start with last year.

Yes, well. Nevermind all that now. USM's shiny new offense took on a Sun Belt team and punted thrice; our shiny new offense took on a Sun Belt team and punted twice that many times in the first half alone. This was a battle I'd have been comfortable saying before we could probably win a few hands still stationed below decks; now that's not the case. They're coming for us, cap'n. All hands should be at the ready.

And now that Burns's all-around dynamism and Todd's occasional channeling of the spirit of Evil Brandon the other night has me convinced Burns is the man for the job, taking on what suddenly looks like a very dangerous bunch of Golden Eagles sounds like a scary proposition indeed, since either

a) Burns won't be available
b) he'll be available, will enter the game, will likely exit it again, and both quarterbacks will look ragged and haphazard for a second week.

We walloped one opponent via sheer brute force. We can defeat another. But the odds get a whole lot better if Auburn gets something substantial out of the quarterback position, and the odds of that get a whole lot better, if you ask me, when Kodi Burns gets better.

Elsewhere on the injury front, it doesn't sound like Billings or Swinton is going to make it onto the field this weekend, which along with Pierre-Louis's demise means Auburn is now apparently scrambling for wideouts and is ready to burn a couple of redshirts. But I have to ask: as wideout-crazy as this offense is, is it still really about to be plunged into chaos because it only has Smith, Trott, Dunn, Zachery, Slaughter, Hawthorne, Fannin, and Carr to work with? Forgive me if I think we'll be OK.

Some good news: the Theory of Tristan Davis was put into practice at, uh, practice. With Smith looking as bona fide as he did Saturday it doesn't look like we'd need him at running back, but geez louise would having him back on kickoffs again--particularly with his replacement now also needing to be replaced--would be nice.

*Whoops, feed reader spat out more traditional confirmation while I was working on this.

Tuesday Poetry Corner, week 1

Confession time: Occasionally, I write poems. I realize that to a majority of college football fans this is the equivalent of admitting I've contracted brain leprosy, but there it is.

For a long time, poems were something like a very intense hobby of mine. I took and enjoyed a lot of poem-writing classes during my English-majorhood at BSC and at Auburn, for instance. Eventually blogging became my hobby and I didn't write nearly so many poems, which was fine, but I liked having poems as a hobby, too. So now to keep my hand in, so to speak, I'm combining the two and introducing another new weekly feature, the JCCW Tuesday Poetry Corner. Each week it will feature a sonnet in response to some aspect of the Auburn game, a few quatrains (i.e. rhyming four-line poems) built around the week's SEC results, a handful of random bits covering national college football developments, and finally an accessible, worthwhile contemporary poem that I think you, college football fan, may actually find not-sucky if sampled.

To borrow a line of Orson's once included in a discussion of how Susan Sontag could be applied to ESPN, please put down the lighter and gas can. No, these aren't going to be chuckle-worthy TSIB-style limericks. No, I'm not pretending I'll wind up writing something earth-shatteringly brilliant. But I'm not going to throw the Auburn version of a 16-year-old's emo verse or Wallace Stevens at you, I promise. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. But it's something I want to give a shot. Here goes.



Your Auburn Sonnet of the Week:

The Dawn

He cannot sleep. All night the angry glare
Of his alarm clock yells in red, a coach
To scream You're sleepin' like a loser, swear
At him 'til dawn. The skitter of a roach
Is faint along the walls, faint as the light
That creeps into his window. And he thinks
Again, again, of Saturday: the tight-
ness in his stomach, picked-at eggs; the winks
At Tiger Walk from blue-eyed girls; his wrists
And ankles bound in tape, for strength. The pads.
The jersey taut against them. Then the kiss
Of cleats on tunnel concrete. The roar. His Dad's
Gone teary, somewhere. Then the sun--now through
his window--shining orange, hung in blue.

Your SEC Quatrains of the Week:

Croom

There's no pick-six this time. He stands, light soft
Along his glasses, inside the sideline storm:
An alternate Ben Franklin, kite aloft,
Awaiting lightning bolts that never come.

Tennessee

The kick ignores their prayers, its course laid straight
For nowhere near the uprights, so they drag
Their eyes across the field and back, their late
And desperate hope: one last redemptive flag.

Casey Dick

They mocked his family's name, agreed his ass
Should ride the pine, called-in to say his spot
Belonged to a hotshot freshman green as grass.
And now they cheer him. Now he's all they've got.

Florida 56, Hawaii 10

Some scoreboards lack a certain clarity;
The one in Gainesville doesn't speak at all
to how the Warriors practiced what we'd call
a downright Christian kind of charity.

Your National Odds and Ends of the Week:

Irony

Wow, Juice, look at all those touchdowns that you tossed!
We'd say you've finally made it! (Too bad your team just lost.)

Jamie Harper

the ball betrays him
to say his coach will one day
betray him also

June Jones

He sees the pregame smiles
erased by Rice
and calculates the miles
to paradise.

And Your Contemporary Poem You Might Actually Like, Honest, of the Week:

A Curse on a Thief
by X.J. Kennedy, available here.

Paul Dempster had a handsome tackle box
In which he'd stored up gems for twenty years:
Hooks marvelously sharp, ingenious lures
Jointed to look alive. He went to Fox

Lake, placed it on his dock, went in and poured
Himself a frosty Coors, returned to find
Some craven sneak had stolen in behind
His back and crooked his entire treasure horde.

Bad cess upon the bastard! May the bass
He catches with Paul Dempster's pilfered gear
Jump from his creel, make haste for his bare rear,
And, fins outthrust, slide up his underpass.

May each ill-gotten catfish in his pan
Sizzle his lips and peel away the skin.
May every perch his pilfered lines reel in
Oblige him to spend decades on the can.

May he be made to munch a pickerel raw,
Its steely gaze fixed on him as he chews,
Choking on every bite, while metal screws
Inexorably lock his lower jaw,

And having eaten, may he be transformed
Into a fish himself, with gills and scales,
A stupid gasper that a hook impales.
In Hell's hot griddle may he be well warmed

And served with shots of lava-on-the-rocks
To shrieking imps indifferent to his moans
Who'll rend his flesh and pick apart his bones,
Poor fish who hooked Paul Dempster's tackle box.

We'll do it again next week.

The Works, fairest-of-weather friend-style

WE LOVE YOU TUBBY UNTIL YOU DON'T COVER THE SPREAD

It's raining, so I'm not talking to you. There's not a major program in the country whose fanbase doesn't split into two camps following any result that's not unambiguous failure--hi, we're Clemson--or unambiguous success--sigh, they're Alabama. Like XTC and Adam Ant, the forces of the countries of Falling Sky and Rose-Colored Glasses are destined to clash on the battlefield of public opinion for eternity.

Auburn is of course no different, as this post at the Gold Mine asking Tiger fans to grade out the team's performance against ULM shows in vivid and depressing color. The good news is that a full 57.6 percent of Auburn fans (or Gold Mine readers, I suppose I should clarify, though I doubt too many Tide fans are making the effort to make Auburn fans look unhappier than they are) see the victory for what it is: a solid and dominant, if not perfect, win over a weak but far from helpless opponent.

But the bad news? The second-most popular option, somehow, is F, with 16.3 percent. 16.3 percent of respondents felt if they had to grade Auburn on a 34-0 shutout of a team that defeated Alabama last fall in which Auburn ran for 7 yards a carry, dominated special teams, and broke in two new coordinators on either side of the ball, the appropriate grade was F. Failure. I'd like to think I'm a fairly cynical guy about the hysteria embedded in the DNA of college football fandom, but still, come on. The conclusion I'm forced to draw is that 16.7 of the Gold Mine's respondents are orangutans with Internet access.

Now, admittedly, I seriously doubt that the set of fans who casually cruise the Auburn Interwebs and are willing to vote in a Gold Mine online poll would represent an accurate cross-section of the fans who filed into Jordan-Hare last Saturday (though the booing of Brandon Cox last year makes me think it might be more accurate than some would think). But that any cross-section of any fanbase anywhere, much less Auburn's, would feel this way after a victory this complete makes me ... well, let me think about how not to overstate this ... afraid for the future of human civilization.

BlAUggitysphere bits. Lots o' good stuff out there in response to the ULM game, starting with this lovely turn of phrase from Grotus Acorn:

Would-be skill players beware: the Auburn defense is an unending chain of demons whose only joy in life is the ruin of dreams, a bottomless pit of ravenous beasts, ever thirsting for the precious liquor they will wring from your soul. God help the soon-to-be-Croyle'd quarterback dumb enough to take a snap across from their eager maw. Mothers: send your sons to Auburn or teach them to play soccer. Your love demands no less.

To which I nod my head in fervent agreement and encourage you to read the rest of the recap. Grotus also put together some worthwhile play-by-play in which he christens our new punter Clinton "Saturn V" Durst. Word.

Will's postgame thoughts have always been must-reads, and this week's was no exception. Especially intriguing was Will's observation that 2004 also started with an "workmanlike" win over ULM, one Will described back then like so:

On the one hand, you've got a workmanlike shutout of (let's face it) one of the worst football teams in the country. To their great credit, Louisiana Monroe's players didn't show a lot of give-up on Saturday, but they also didn't show a whole lot of ability. Auburn substituted all the way into the scout team by the fourth quarter, and the closest LA-MO ever got to scoring was a couple of missed field goals. On the other hand ... Look, it's obvious that the AU coaches went into this game intending to show future opponents absolutely nothing of use, and it's safe to say that they succeeded. "Vanilla" doesn't begin to describe the blandness of the formations and plays displayed on Saturday. Try "tasteless and odorless," or maybe "invisible."

Eerie. J. Henderson was likewise moved to blockquote by said wrap-up at the TWER, though I'd also point you towards their LOLcatting of the Coleman sack and some ice cream-based humor from J.M. at the Tide's expense. Oh, and like TWER and everybody else I got a kick out of the Auburner's highlight package.

Even more: Acid's postgame grades are worth reading, as is the Pigskin Pathos's discovery of how the spread churned out three times as many rush yards as passing yards:



Also inspired are their suggestions for new pregame videos, particularly one involving Tubby, Franklin, and Jack Black.

Ca$h Rules Everything Around Me. Particularly in the SEC. Not that this is new news, exactly, but I want to say something about the SEC ESPN TV deal: Holy #@&%, that's a lot of money. To wit:

Vanderbilt, which hasn't been to a bowl game since 1982, now would pocket more from TV than Notre Dame, which has its own deal with NBC at a reported $9 million a year for football.

That said, I still don't think I was way off in thinking the SEC should have been looking for a deal at least a couple years shorter when the league will still be under the same contract while negotiating for broadcast rights from Mars. As the Sentinel points out: "We won't be surprised if, in a decade, ESPN believes it got a bargain by paying the SEC only a couple of billion dollars."

Lastly, an Alabama fan discounting the same accomplishments at Auburn he or she would respect at other schools is a surprise on the same level as the sun rising in the morning, but this still gave me a chuckle:

Florida dominated Hawaii in all phases of the game Saturday morning in Gainesville. They returned kicks for TDs, returned interceptions for TDs, threw passes for TDs, and rushed for TDs. Scored 56 points. Yup.

Auburn's new "spread eagle" offense produced a total of 85 passing yards. They had 28 yards through the first 3 quarters. Yikes. They scored on a punt return. They scored on a fumble return. They didn't dominate like they should have. Could be an interesting week against Southern Miss this weekend.

See, when someone else gets defensive and special teams scores, it makes them dominant in all phases. When Auburn does the same, it just saved their bacon because their offense sucked. Simple. (By the by, score of the Florida game with UF's defensive and special teams scores taken out: 35-10. Auburn's: 20-0. Just food for thought.)

Monday recap: UL-Monroe

Like the proverbial blind squirrel on the hunt for the nuts he loves, even the JCCW gets a prediction right every once in a while.*

Even though I'd started to believe sometime in June it would never arrive, Saturday did finally come. And despite my worries it would all be an extravagant lie, sure enough, Auburn played a football game. In fact, they played it pretty well.

It--and the broadcast of said game--go pretty much like so:

Pregame

--Coming to you live and in color via the magic of ESPN Gameplan and presented in CSS's patented "Underwater-O-Vision," it's Auburn vs. Louisiana-Monroe! Your broadcast team for tonight's game are Andy Burcham and the solidly-named Cole Cubelic. I personally think Andy should change his name to Candy Curcham for both the Three Guys named Dave announcing team symmetry and because it would just be cooler--too bad he'd probably disagree.

--Andy informs us that Burns is the better runner and Todd the better passer in the Tigers' quarterback duo, helpful news for any Auburn fans who spent the last eight months stranded in the Andes following a freak plane crash and surviving on wild llama meat and mildly-poisonous mushrooms.

First quarter

--Burcham pronounces Philip Pierre-Louis's name as first just "Lewis" and then "Pierre-Lewis," and I don't care how Philip has said his name is supposed to be pronounced: if his nickname is "Frenchy" and his last name is "Pierre-Louis," just say it "Pierre-Loueee," please. And if you need any more proof that's what should have happened, Frenchy returns the opening kickoff just 18 yards before leaving the game (and the entire season, dammit) with a knee injury. Thanks, Andy.

--Tony Franklin gets off to a less than encouraging start on making good on his "We'll run the ball, honest" promises by calling passes on Auburn's first three plays from scrimmage. The first two go for naught, but Burns--now revealed as the starter Tubby's been hiding behind the curtain--bails him out with a 17-yard scramble on third.

--Second and 8 and Lester puts together a nimble first-down run, but it's calledb ack for a hold on Byron Isom. Replay shows that the downfield blocker absolutely pancaking some helpless ULM corner is none other than Tommy "Not a Blocking Tight End, My Ass" Trott. Why, if he keeps those kinds of plays up, he could be Auburn's offensive player of the game without even making a catch!

--The hold stalls the drive and sure enough, Clinton Durst is on the field for the first play of competitive football in his life. He appears to neither wet himself nor try to "trap" the snap with his feet soccer-style, so those are good signs. As is the 40-yard fair-caught punt. ULM starts at their 14.

--Oh my. Somehow I suspect that ULM leaving Antonio Coleman completely unblocked was as likely the proper gameplan as "Have QB take snap, blindfold self, spin around 20 times, then heave in general percevied direction of the sun"--and actually, that might have been a better idea--but nonetheless the ULM left tackle shuffles amiably to the right, blocks the hell out of the moist August air, and leaves Coleman free to disembowel Kinsmon Lancaster from the blind side. Lancaster fumbles the ball into the path of Michael Goggans and it's a TOUCHDOWN! on Auburn's first defensive snap of the season. That? Was sweet. 7-0.

--After taking the kickoff out to their own 32, ULM shows that maybe they really don't mind leaving Auburn guys unblocked: they run towards a free-roaming Goggans on first down and a couple plays later watch Blackmon tear through the line on a blitz untouched by Warhawk hands. RB Frank Goodin escapes Goggans on the former play to help ULM smartly drive to the Auburn 34 in three plays, but the Blackmon hurry leads to third-and-long and ULM can't convert.

--The Warhawks try the ol' line-up-for-a-FG-then-pooch-it ploy, but for the first time I can recall in all my years of pooch-watchin', the kick from Jeremy Gener isn't so much a pooch as a full-fledged PUNT and flies out of the back of the end zone. This is the first sign we get that ULM's kickers may leave just a wee bit to be desired in the area of "not sucking."

--Todd comes on for his first series and completes pass to Slaughter for 4. But then Slaughter whiffs his block on a Lester sweep (gain of 1) and Lester, making sure the blame gets shared equally by all, drops a swing pass despite being surrounded by so many acres of space I'm pretty sure I saw a sign to his right offering it as hunting land through Pine Belt Realty. Sigh--that's two mistakes in two drives that have taken away sure first downs. Durst shanks it but gets a good roll to the ULM 38.

--This time it's Merrill Johnson's turn to dash in on Lancaster without being so much as politely tapped on the shoulder, forcing an incompletion and setting up third-and-8. Unfortunately the Warhawks finally decide to pick up a blitz and Lancaster finds an open receiver on the out for 12. Cubelic confusingly praises Lancaster for finding the space "between the corner and the safety" when there's clearly no one within shouting distance of the left flat and Thorpe--corner, not safety--was the defender who pushed the receiver out-of-bounds. I shouldn't say bad things about Cole, I know, but, like, seriously, dude ... the thing you just described as happening didn't happen.

--This Goodin guy is, sadly, good in running. (I slay me.) He darts nicely though a couple of seams and sets up ULM 1st-and-10 at the Auburn 26. But fortunately we have our first Sen'Derrick Marks sighting of the young season on second down, as he roars through the line, takes Goodin down for a loss of 3, and helps stall ULM at the 24. Radi Jabour runs out for the 39-yard field goal Gener might have attempted if his pooch hadn't been such an abysmal failure, but unfortunately for the Warhawks Jabour's attempt--wide right by a mile and a half--is as equally abysmal a failure as Gener's pooch. Tee hee.

--The zone read with Burns at the controls is a play I expect to become one of the Spread Eagle's signature calls, and Burns shows why by executing it to perfection on third-and-1, picking up seven and so badly faking out the end zone camera with the psych-out handoff all we get a replay of is bodies moving one way and heads suddenly turning the other--not that doesn't say a lot by itself. Unfortunately the drive stalls when Ziemba simply falls over while trying to get outside for a first-down screen and Burns can't find anyone on third down. Durst punts. Again.

--ULM curiously decides to go away from the little off-tackle runs by Goodin that have worked so well to this point, having Lancaster toss incompletions on first and second. Then they get even more curious by handing it to Goodin on a 3rd-and-10 draw play Coleman (amongst others) buries. Not an exhibition of sterling offensive execution, this first quarter.

--Dunn fields the punt on the Auburn 34, finds a seam for 10 yards, pulls off a stop-and-start stutter that leaves some poor ULM defender grasping air--and Chris Berman to go WHOOP! a thousand miles away in the middle of a romantic dinner with his wife, for reasons he cannot explain to either her or himself--and houses it. TOUCHDOWN! 66 yards! 12 years since it's happened, Burcham says, and won't the Sports Information guy who has to type out the "The Last Time Auburn ..." section of the media guide be pleased to finally change that. 14-0 as we head to the ...

Second quarter

--ULM opens the second quarter by meekly going three-and-out. Auburn picks up one first down on Tate's first carry of the season, but Todd panics three plays later when ULM blitzes on third down and rifles the ball at Tate when, uh, "toy rubber dart guns the ball" would have been a happier thing for me to write. Incomplete, punt. Durst is killing it--54 yards, fair catch--and obviously the D has found its footing, but man, the frustration level with the offense is starting to rise a bit.

--We're informed Blackmon looked hurt on one of the special teams plays and is out of the game. Hooray. At least the D forces a three-and-out again, and after the criticism earlier I should point out that Cubelic makes an excellent point about Craig Stevens's coverage work on receivers out of the backfield. So it's not all bad.

--Wait, Auburn gives the ball to Lester for three straight plays and gain four yards, punts, then watches a middle-of-the-field-bomb and sure touchdown bounce off the hands of ULM receiver McCall. Good coverage from Powers and the hand he gets up likely causes the bobble, but still. Goodness. Get it going, guys.

--After a ULM punt, a bad snap causes Todd to rush a throw directly into the arms of a Warhawk linebacker who drops it WHEEEEEE Lester commits a holding penalty HOORAY incompletion WHEEEEE WHEEEEEE incompletion, punt PIZZA PARTY FOR EVERYONE

--The Auburn D forces another punt before Tate finally breaks the offensive tedium, breaking loose down the left sideline for 49 yards and first down at the ULM 24. Two rushes by Lester yield another first ... and then it goes pear-shaped again. False start on Pugh. A low snap--get it together, Bosley--on 2nd-and-12 means Burns can't sell the misdirection or set his feet before launching a remarkable pass under pressure to Smith, who misses getting his foot down by a toenail. Burns can't find a blanketed Dunn on third down and it's time for Wes Byrum's first make of the season. 17-0.

--Johnson sacks Lancaster on 3rd-and-10, Auburn burns its timeouts in the hopes of blocking the punt, the punt isn't blocked, and we head to halftime.

Third quarter

--Spencer "Great Story" Pybus mocks all the folks who mocked him when he signed on Signing Day by recovering a fumble caused by Merrill Johnson (again ... he's ben all over the place), and Auburn opens the second half at the ULM 30. The way Auburn's defense is playing, a touchdown here magically changes--POOF!--the rest of the game into garbage time. Let's do it, Tigers.

--Franklin gives us a taste of the creativity that's been yanked out of the playbook for this game, bringing Fannin out of the slot on a nifty end-around that picks up 19. From there, it's nothing fancy--Lester right end for eight, Lester right end for 3, TOUCHDOWN! 24-0, and now it's just a matter of whether Auburn covers the spread or not.

--Frankly, that TD seems to have taken some of the starch out of ULM--despite the fact that they're just out of halftime, they look slower and kinda fatigued trying (and failing) to push Auburn back on first 2nd-and-1 and then 3rd-and-1. And then rather than have to bravely try a third time, one of the linemen false starts to bring out the punting unit.

--Not that anyone's looked terribly impressive in the passing game to this point, but
Chris Slaughter has looked particularly off to me--an impression that gets further confirmed when he lets a well-nigh perfect deep ball from Burns plummet directly between his hands. Auburn's quarterbacks have not been sharp, but let it be noted they're not getting a shred of help from their receivers tonight, either.

--Burns decides after that to take matters into his own hands, scrambling for 23 on 3rd-and-11, including a couple of yards picked up when he cuts back along the sideline and goes down under a Warhawk a second later. Can I ask you, politely, Kodi to just go ahead and step out-of-bounds next time? I know it's not the manliest thing in the world, but the only thing remotely good to have come out of any given pass play call tonight has been your scrambling ... and if you get hurt, that's toast.

--Precisely three plays later, Burns gets the QB draw call, scampers for 16 yards to the ULM 19, and leaves the game with some kind of shin injury. SEE?

--On first down, Isom is shoved several yards into the backfield as Lester--who I think's run as every bit as hard as Tate, just with less help from the line--struggles to get back to line of scrimmage. Way to make that whole "We won't miss Chaz Ramsey!" prediction look sharp, Byron. Andy and Cole miss it, but the coaches don't: Bart Eddins replaces Isom immediately.

--Dunn drops a third-down pass from Todd that hits him in the hands and could have gone for a first. Robert giveth, Robert taketh away.

--With the game no longer in doubt and the surge of adrenaline he craves no longer pumping through his veins, Wes "Drama Queen Thrill-Seeker" Byrum honks the 32-yarder. He jogs over to the sideline phone, calls his travel agent, and immediately signs up for a cliff-jumping expedition.

--On ULM's next possession an Auburn defender sprints off the field just before the snap, prompting an official to drop his flag for illegal substitution--forgetting for a moment that the "12 men in the huddle" rule only applies to the offense. Andy and Cole skip the "it's the first game for the officials, too" cliche, which is kind of a shame, because it amuses me for unknown reasons. On third down it's Antoine Carter's turn to fly in unmolested--oh, wait, nevermind, they tried to block him and just failed miserably--and he forces an incompletion.

--Um, Chris? That throw you made, on third down there? The one where you were sort of rolling to one side and threw a bit back across your body 10 yards behind your intended target and instead landed directly into the breadbasket of the defender, who felt so bad for you he kindly let it inexplicably fall to the ground? Yeah, please don't that any more. I'd like to stop occasionally prefacing our quarterbacks' names with "Evil" if I could, thanks. (Durst-watch: he uncorks a 58-yarder.)

--After solid coverage by Neiko Thorpe (!) helps force yet another ULM punt, Franklin finally decides "Eh, screw it" and dials up 11 consecutive rushes (!!). The first 10 of these go to Lester (19 yards), Tate (25 yards), and Eric Smith, whose balance and tackle-breaking ability look positively Kenny Irons-esque as he picks up 32 yards and leaves Auburn with 3rd-and-goal at the 3. The 12th carry goes to Chris Todd on the QB draw, and it might work--there's a hole for a moment--if Isom didn't lose control of his block and if Todd wasn't so decidedly, um, Caucasian quarterbacky in hitting the hole. Byrum hits the 19-yarder. 27-0.

--Auburn's started bringing in the second string. For the ULM offense, it doesn't matter: Zach Clayton and Josh Bynes (who's also looked quite, quite good in relief of Blackmon) smother Lancaster for a loss of two on the last play of the quarter.

Fourth quarter

--The Tigers look like they've made yet another stop when Lancaster is forced out-of-bounds on a scramble a couple yards shy of the sticks, but D'Antoine Hood gives him a good pop a full yard or two past the boundary and it's an automatic 15 yarder. C'mon, Hood! You're playing like you're an 18-year-old kid who'd never played a game of Division I, SEC-caliber college football in his life! Get it together!

--Auburn forces a punt on the next set of downs anyway--because every Auburn linebacker on the roster is bound to get himself mentioned in this recap somehow, it's worth pointing out that Chris Evans is involved in all three plays in the stop--and then finally, after one first down, the interception Todd's been begging for arrives. Naturally, though, it's not entirely his fault--he appears to fit the pass in past tight coverage into the hands of Rod Smith, but it bounces off said hands into the air and into the arms of Cardiac Jackson. Not that Todd didn't deserve to have a pick added to his line tonight, but again: our receivers have to get better.

--ULM fails to ruin the shutout when Tez Doolittle bursts inside on 4th-and-1 and blows things up but good. I didn't think 300-pound defensive tackles recovering from Achilles tears were supposed to be in position to take the handoff themselves, were they?

--After some more impressive work by Eric Smith on the next drive, we finally get to see the Chris Todd we've been hearing about; a second down completion to Rod Smith for a first at the ULM 39, then a nicely floated spiral down the right sideline to Smith for 33 more yards, then a well-placed touch pass to Slaughter over the middle for the three-yard TOUCHDOWN! 34-0. You can see why Auburn's coaches would be tempted by Todd--even if Burns can make those throws, he's not likely to make them look quite so smooth and effortless.

--Morgan Hull booted the last kickoff into the end zone and angles this one skillfully into the right corner of the endzone and sideline, leading to a 12-yard return and starting field position for ULM at their own 16. Methinks that as the evidence from this game is that there's no difference between the results if Byrum kicks off and if Hull kicks off--or that if there is, the better results are from Hull--we're going to see Hull handle kickoffs against Southern Miss. There's precisely zero point in throwing Byrum out there to risk injury and tire his leg out if Hull's just as good or better.

--Most of the game's final six minutes are gobbled up by a long drive by ULM against Auburn's second- and third-stringers; there's Jake Ricks, Gabe McKenzie, and Jonathan Vickers sightings and "Great Story" Pybus even gets the chance to tee off on Lancaster on a blitz. Eventually Thorpe makes his YouTube case by blowing some poor sucker up along the sideline, forcing fourth down, and Gener returns to try a 45-yarder. No good! It's a shutout, and frankly, Auburn's defense deserved it: with the offense executing the exact opposite of the "hold the ball, grind out long drives, give the D a chance to rest" gameplan, they could have been forgiven for giving up a TD somewhere along the way. They didn't. Kudos.

--Smith barrels into the line twice and that's it. 34-0. War Eagle!

Quick thoughts on a second viewing: The rumors you heard about Auburn going rich creamy Blue Bell vanilla for this game and waiting to break out the Moose Tracks for SEC play looked dead-on; aside from the end-around to Fannin and the zone read, there wasn't any kind of misdirection or even mild trickery on Auburn's part. It was all straight-ahead runs and sweeps, standard-issue bubble screens and curls, and the very occasional toss downfield. It's not really surprising that running this watered-down a version of an offense that ULM and their eight returning defensive starters were already well-versed in didn't set the world on fire. Plus, the receivers (and backs) were even more buttery-fingered than I remembered. Bottom line: the quarterbacks, Burns in particular when you consider how big a threat he was on the move (6 carries, 69 yards), weren't as bad as you might think.

However: Auburn's front seven looked to me as good as you might think. Coleman, Marks, Goggans, Doolittle, Clayton, Blackmon, Evans, Johnson, Bynes, Stevens--it's not just that ULM didn't have an answer for them, it's that they never seemed close to having an answer for them. 220 total yards, 3.2 a play, 11 punts, zero points: that's domination, and even if it's just ULM, domination over mid-majors is nonetheless a good sign for competence (or better) against SEC teams.

Weird note about the photo at the top of this post: al.com is now offering an "image code" (similar to an embed code for videos, though it looks like it's for bulletin boards) at the bottom of the picture page. What happened to the copyright warning I've so enjoyed blissfully ignoring?