Thursday, December 20, 2007

Open letter to Terry Bowden he will not read

Hilariously awesome image from a West Virginia message board via MGoBlog.


Hi, my name is Jerry Hinnen. I write an Auburn football blog called the Joe Cribbs Car Wash.

I'll get right to the point: I'm writing to ask you to please stop debasing yourself in your pursuit of the West Virginia head coaching position. You have acted, well, desperate and needy throughout the season, but issuing a statement through a publicist (why a "publicist" and not an agent? Are you this devoted to publicizing yourself?) that WVU is your "dream job" before Rodriguez's seat had even cooled, before the Mountaineer administration had even drawn up their preliminary list of candidates, is outright groveling. Get off your knees, Terry. You are begging like a dog at the dinner table, and not even a dog that belongs in the house but a dog brought over without invitation by rude, aggravating Aunt Gertrude. Even if you got the job, aren't you going to be more than little bit shamed it took father cold-calling the WVU decision-makers on your behalf for it to happen? Stand on your own two legs, Terry. Show some dignity.

You may be wondering why I, as an Auburn fan, care in the first place. You know as well as I do you've become the easiest, quickest punchline in the Auburn fan's book of jokes. I've made my share at your expense, no doubt. Auburn fans are supposed to be indifferent at best and cruelly pointing and snickering like eighth-graders at lunch at worst, right?

Well, it's true I don't have a certain level of concern purely out of the goodness of my heart. You coached at Auburn for several years. Despite your TV and Internet writing work and famous Daddy, you are seen, first and foremost, as Auburn's former coach. I remember, clear as the conversation I had over lunch today, the clip of you turning to the jubilant locker room behind you after polishing off the Tide to go 11-0--with Pat Dye just behind you--and saying "Today, I became an Auburn man." That status got revoked on both ends a while back, but I would still prefer it if those individuals who had ever been the face of our program--anyone who had ever been "an Auburn man"--refrained from the kind of undignified "Hey guys! Look at me! Remember me? I can coach, too! Hey, hey guys!" chirping you've been engaged in lately. It does not reflect well on the choices made by the Auburn program.

But there's more than that. Me personally, I'd honestly like to see you do well, Terry. Just for your sake. Yep, I would.

As always here at the JCCW (or at least, as usual), I speak for for no Auburn fan but myself. But I haven't forgotten 1993. I haven't forgotten being in the stands for the Florida upset, still easily one of the two or three most exciting Auburn games I've ever seen in person. Haven't forgotten James Bostic pulling free on fourth down, haven't forgotten Etheridge's kick sailing through. Haven't forgotten Reid McMilion rumbling past the Hogs, or Corso picking the Dawgs that year, or sitting a foot away from my parents' old stereo and fiddling with its ancient tuner as Nix came in stone cold to save the Iron Bowl on fourth down, as Bostic broke free to cinch it. That remains the best team on radio, forever.

I haven't forgotten '94, either, Nix-to-Sanders and Darth Visor's invincibility in the Swamp vanishing in a puff of orange-and-blue smoke. Or the Interception Game against LSU. Or Dameyune Craig, who you recruited, dragging our team single-handedly into our first-ever SEC title game, one we would have won if our receivers hadn't suffered a fatal case of the dropsies.

I remember all these things, and I am still grateful to you for them. It is true, without argument, that the glories of '93 and '94 were accomplished with Pat Dye's players. But Pat Dye's players went a combined 10-11-1 in '91 and '92. So I still think fondly of you, Terry, and still wish the end of your tenure--while inevitable, while without question for the best of the program, even you can admit that, surely--had arrived without the acrimony, without all the unsightly, um, hullabaloo ... basically, with a lot more of (again) that dignity stuff for everyone involved.

I remember the other stuff, too, of course. That, Terry, you expected the likes of Markeith "the Lizard" Cooper and Demontray Carter to become successful SEC running backs. That Stephen freaking Davis carried the ball what seemed like six times a game as that uber-talented '95 team disappointed. That it took years for Tubby to undo the recruiting damage. That--let's face facts, Terry--you are short and squeaky and have the face of a baby, and that it is written into our genes that it is difficult to respect the short, squeaky, and baby-faced.

For all of that, it was you squeaking in that Auburn locker room in '93. No coach who coached their way into that locker room should ever have to wander around the media with their hat in hand hoping for a charity job. Even now, Terry, I think you're better than that.

So start freaking acting like it.

Jerry Hinnen


Hobbes said...

Well Jerry you may not speak for any Auburn fan but yourself, but you definitely said it for me.

Terry's video resume will make you want to puke though.

Anonymous said...

Aunt Gertrude? As in Gertrude Hardy? As in Fenton Hardy's sister? As in Frank and Joe's Aunt Gertrude?

Anonymous said...

Squeaky clean analysis of Mr. Short and Squeaky.

Taco Bell Soft Tacos said...

Hell yes, right on. Why did Stephen Davis only get like 5 carries a game in '95? He had pre-season Heisman talk that year!

auKarm said...

Nice job. Terry always stood under his "diddy's" arm. Even during interviews he would go on and on about Bobby and FSU. I often wondered if he realized he were the Auburn coach and not the noles.